My Ketamine Experience:

I went into this practicum with a desire to experience ketamine for myself, as it seemed silly and irresponsible to guide others in an experience that I had not myself been through. Unfortunately, the regulations at the clinic are tight and there was no wiggle room to reason why I would be guided through an experience without a pre-existing diagnosis. So I ventured elsewhere, and I reconnected with someone who I met during a breathwork facilitator training several years ago who offers various guided psychedelic experiences in her home. After one call with her I felt the synchronicity in our style and skills, and that was enough for me to feel supported and safe to have this experience with her. 

I went into the experience with a few intentions. I generally just wanted to know the medicine more intimately as a facilitator. I also was curious to become more relational with my anxiety, as I was noticing a sense of “rush” at the beginning of client sessions, and in general, I was having a hard time slowing down and tending to this anxious part of me when I felt it. And, knowing the feedback I was getting from my supervisor regarding bringing in more directiveness into my sessions, I was curious to understand more about the parts of me involved in what felt like a gap in my ability to facilitate masterfully. 

On Sunday October 6 I had my ketamine assisted session. It was a low dose experience, which allows for interaction with the guide and the medicine, whereas a high dose is an internal journey that does not include any conversation or interaction. High dose serves a purpose as well, and is something that I will explore next time.

Reflecting on my journal from that day, I expressed how this medicine and experience had similar positive qualities to other psychedelics I have ingested in ceremony, but is short lasting and quite gentle. I felt open and connected to myself in a heightened way. With a few prompts from my guide I was brought into a state of seeing a young version of me, one who I have seen and worked with many times before. She is four years old and trying extremely hard to prove how much knowledge she has and can occasionally become defensive with “know it all” energy. I saw how hard she is working to be seen but it became so much more clear that she was in a role that is not aligned with her natural or innate gifts. I saw a plant in the room that took on the relational qualities of this little one. A plant with many leaves drooping down towards the ground, and one tall leaf standing with strength, touched by a sunbeam streaming through the window. That one tall leaf, connected to source, reflecting strength and nourishment through its roots so all those connected to it benefit.

I felt this strongly as this little one inside of me, innately connected to source and not needing to prove her knowledge or worth.

My guide spoke the words “No Knowledge is Needed here, She is Already included” and the tears began to flow down my cheeks. I commented that that sentiment felt extremely important, as my little one relaxed more and more feeling seen and understood within her non-cognitive and innate knowledge, and released from the cognitive role of proving her knowledge. I saw her shift as she relaxed, and the concept of an internal divine council came into my being.

After some time and space for integration, we collaboratively shifted to turn towards my anxiety. I saw it appear in front of me like a balloon version of me, so full of air it looked like it was close to popping. I sensed my body and many parts of me tighten up, almost in apprehension that this thing might pop and I needed to be on edge. I was able to calmly stay with it, notice the various reactions within me and yet remain open and curious enough that there was space to get to know it. I got the impulse to reach towards it and imagine a little air valve attached to it that I could simply turn gently to allow some air out. I watched as the balloon version of me softened a bit, and my whole system followed suit.

I smiled as I felt the ease move through me and I began to notice all of the positive qualities about this balloon version of me. I noted how much energy is there and what a gift that is to be able to access that energy. I spoke of its ability to motivate and move me in various directions, to provide structure and direction to ensure I actually do what I say I want to do. I felt overwhelmed with compassion and appreciation for this part of me, and what a gift to recognize that when it’s too full of air I can slow down and gently let some of that air out. 

The session concluded and I felt immense gratitude for what had transpired. It was clear to me that low dose ketamine paired with skillful somatic and internal family systems models of practice generates a spacious experience. What had previously felt too overwhelming or intense was able to soften enough that I could access it with more compassion, curiosity and collaboration.