Mind Training

Where your mind goes, energy flows

Many of us may believe that what we think is an accurate depiction of what’s “real”, that it is true, or just the “way things are” or “just the way I am.” The truth is, we are constructing our reality based on past experience, therefore, the more experience we have, the more rigid we can become and the less we will truly see. We don’t tend to believe something once we see it, we perceive what we already believe through the lenses that are familiar and most accessible. “We get lost in our own beliefs, caught up in our own life story. Narrative and belief shape perception” (Siegel, 2023, p. 163).

Why begin this essay in such a circular way? For one, it causes a pause. When we pause long enough to question what we think, why we believe what we believe, and how much of what we see is colored and skewed through the lenses we perceive through, we access the potent space where change happens. Visitor Frankl (1946), in his book that tells his story of being a prisoner in a nazi concentration camp, wrote of the space between stimulus and impulsive reactions as being where our power, growth and freedom resides. Recognizing that space is one thing, knowing how to access it and what to practice in that space is what I want to focus on in this exploration. 

I am reminded of an insight I had years ago while I was struggling with my mental health, watching myself fall down the same rabbit hole of unhealthy thinking and behavior. I hypothesized that my well-being could only be as strong as my ability to redirect my focus when it wanders or gets stuck somewhere unhelpful, including unhelpful beliefs. Additionally, I imagined the joy and freedom I would experience if when my mind did wander that it wandered to nourishing and inspiring places. I knew I was repeating and/or practicing all day long, whether I was aware of it or not, and I needed to learn how to be more intentional with my practice. When I first heard the phrase, “Where your mind goes, energy flows”, these words latched onto my psyche and became a mantra for me as I began to uncouple from the intense zoomed-in perspective I had on my own thoughts. I began to recognize that whatever I focused on I was amplifying, and I needed to figure out how to train my focus so I could feel some choice in where my focus goes.   

A more precise phrase, “where attention goes, neural firing flows and neural connection grows” displays the top-down direction as attention “is focused in specific ways with particular practices that will stimulate different areas of the brain to grow” (Villamil et al., 2018, p. 2). Equally important is the recognition that where there are neural connections currently, we are biased towards those perspectives and states as paths of least resistance at the neural level (Villamil et al., 2018, p. 2). Around this same time of early exploration I was reading a book titled The Brain the Changes Itself by Norman Doidge (2012) and learned about the ‘plastic paradox’, which refers to our brain’s ability to change and adapt to be more open and flexible as being the same neuroplasticity that can lead to repeating and creating more rigidity and resistance. A paradox indeed. So, how, and what, do we practice to support the plasticity in our brain to lean towards openness and flexibility?

Welcome to Mind Training

Meditation and mindfulness practices come from a wide variety of contemplative and ancient traditions, and due to these distinct approaches, many folks critique that there is not a clearly defined understanding of either (Villamil, et al., 2018, p. 2). In the zen Buddhist tradition meditation is described as a practice of “becoming familiar with”, as a practice of focus, as a practice of expanding consciousness, as a practice of discipline, and a practice of restoration (Kabat-Zinn, 2018). Villamil et al. (2018) refer to meditation as an intentional practice to cultivate a temporary and specific mental state of neural firing, that over time, with repetition, leads to neuroplastic changes that structurally become a new trait for the practitioner (pp. 2-3). Mindfulness, on the other hand, is often described as a practice of being present with what is here now, opening to one’s senses, or paying attention without judgement. Many mindfulness practices include kindness and non-judgement as essential components, yet some traditions refer to positive regard as a separate practice altogether (Villamil et al., 2018, p. 3). Also worth noting that there are practices described as Mindfulness Meditation, which sounds nice, but adds to the confusion of how to differentiate these practices, or whether that is even necessary.

The positive impact of such practices creates a long list of qualities, such as:

• Increased access to calm,  

• Quicker or more efficiency in regulating after being dysregulated

• Ability to shift perspectives and understand different viewpoints and experiences

• Improved cardiovascular health

• Improved immune system functioning 

• Improved gastrointestinal functioning

• Improved cognition (memory, learning, focus and communication)

• Enhanced task performance

• Successful management of emotions and stress

• Expanded consciousness (learning to be more present for yourself and your environment)

• Improved self awareness

• Better overall personal health

While this list is differentiated into separate aspects of health, what they all have in common is the qualities of health that arise when a nervous system is functioning flexibly, adaptively and efficiently. A rhythm of life that allows for the full spectrum of states, energy and emotions with a strength of resilience and tolerance so that recovery is not far from moments of activation. The claims of benefits of these practices need to be clarified as not all practices are created equally, and the benefits depend on what you do. If our goal is a nervous system (bodymind) that is more open and flexible and positive health benefits depicted in the long list above, what specific practices will help us achieve that? 

Villamil et al. (2018) propose three core techniques or skills that are essential elements to facilitate the positive results seen in meditation research. Referred to as the “three pillars” of mind training, which are:

(1) focused attention, (2) open awareness, and (3) kind intention (or what is alternatively called loving kindness or compassion) (Villamil et al., 2018,p. 3).

Three Pillar Training

Let’s begin with a brief sidebar regarding the duration of practice. Again, many different perspectives on this that range from a few minutes to many more as a daily practice. I found that rather than focusing on the ideal time to aim for, practice becomes sustainable and weaved into daily life when the bar is set low so that it is attainable. What we do daily matters more than what we do once and a while, for the most part. In order to achieve long-term changes at the neuronal and behavioral level, practice needs to be consistent. It is best to approach this as a daily(ish) practice with a set amount of time that is sustainable and realistic. If this is a lifetime habit, there is no rush to commit to a certain time duration if that will hinder your motivation to actually do it. As someone who has a diagnosis of ADHD, when I started a daily practice of meditation, my goal was 30 seconds a day. Those 30 seconds slowly shifted to be longer and my tolerance for such practices expanded. 12 years later, I meditate at least 10 minutes a day and often a few times a day. And when I occasionally miss this practice, I notice a difference in my mood and ability to focus. I am compassionate and gentle towards myself, and I am excited to get back into practicing. With consistency, a slow build, you can re-generate your mind and create a heightened state of well-being that will lead to an altered state. In other words, we can become what we practice. 

Let’s look at each of these pillars on their own, while remembering that they are complementary and interrelated in their functioning. 

Focused Attention:

The first thing that arises for me when I consider my learning, practice and teaching of Focused Attention is how effective it becomes when I approach with ADHD parts in mind. What does this mean? I don’t know about you, but reigning in my focus at times can feel frustrating and uncomfortable. Notice how you feel as you read this:

“Focused attention refers to the ability to maintain one’s concentration, manage distractions by letting go of them when they arise, and refocus attention on the original object of attention” (Villamil et al., 2018, p. 4). Research on meditation has shown that consistent meditators who have developed the ability to focus their attention display an increase in neural integration - in other words, improved communication between structures in the brain, which has a direct impact on the default mode network and one’s ability to monitor and modify mind wandering (Villamil et al., 2018, p. 6). 

Talking about the benefits of focus or the perils of lacking focus can bring up various emotions when one feels unskilled at it, feels pressure to perform it, and cannot seem to access it. I recall the multitude of times it was suggested that I start meditating and how unhelpful that felt due to my struggle with this practice. I remember trying to meditate many times and feeling overwhelmed by the process and seemingly in a worse mood and state afterwards. 

Recognizing focus as a skill to practice has been instrumental for my mental health. There are various ways one can increase their focused attention. By being aware of one’s natural tendency for the mind to wander, we must include some compassion and allowance as this happens. Focus is like any other muscle in the body, the more awareness we have and reps we get (i.e., mind wanders and we “flex” our focus to come back), the stronger it becomes. Masterful focus is less about sustaining one’s focus without “losing it”, rather, it is the fast-paced awareness of where the mind goes and ability to shift back in the desired direction with ease and agility. 

Andrew Huberman has said on his podcast several times, “mental focus follows visual focus”. As well as educating on the fact that we can focus on two things at once, however, one object of perception will be in the foreground while the other is in the background. With these reminders and advice, I tend to use my eyes to zoom in and zoom out and look around my space before I turn inwards to focus. This helps gather my attention to the here and now as I feel my mental focus align with my eyes. Additionally, my focus inwards tends to be on my breath, toggling between foreground and background as I practice sustaining my gaze at the backs of my eyelids. Above all else, patience and kindness towards myself is essential. Being frustrated or impatient or judgemental towards myself simply amplifies the stress response and keeps me in an agitated and distracted state. 

Whether you gaze at an external object for a select period of time, or internally focus on an aspect of the breath, there is an anchor of sorts for one to purposefully direct attention. Adding in the task of counting, or choosing a short window of time to practice and then releasing one’s focus, is a great way to bite-size the experience to slowly and gently build up capacity. Practices such as these are how we develop the skill to direct our attention in and out of distraction and to explore various perspectives (Villamil et al., 2018, p. 4). 

With focus one can stabilize their attention rather than be in a reactive state where the mind is seeking meaning through a lens of distress which could feel like seeing everything as if it is a problem that needs to be fixed. 

Open Awareness

Villamil et al. (2018) describe open awareness as “a state of being receptive to objects within awareness, without getting attached to them or lost in them” (p. 6). No specific object of attention as the practitioner steps back, expands out, and includes the movement and layers of what’s flowing through their perceptual field, a form of meta-awareness (Villamil et al., 2018, p. 7). 

In general, open awareness is a practice that entails remaining present of moment-to-moment experience without directing attention or focusing on any one thing in particular (Villamil et al., 2018). This is a practice of seeing the forest through the trees, the bird’s eye view, zooming out to perceive the bigger picture perhaps. Developing this practice, “allows the individual to practice engaging in a non-reactive experience to external and internal stimuli, and build the capacity to recognize within awareness thoughts and emotions as they arise and not become swept up into them” (Villamil et al., 2018, p. 7). This awareness without attachment or blind reactivity gives us access to the pause or the space Frankl (1946) referred to. We must recognize that practicing open awareness is not complete without its polarity practice of focused attention, as it is the differentiation and toggling between the two that leads to inner-clarity and a confidence and resilience that comes from self-assuredness; cornerstones of mental health. 

When we have a zoomed in perspective without access to open awareness we are likely to perpetuate the illusion of separation, seeing differences and individuals without the equally true interconnected nature of everything. A slumber induced by a culture that was founded by colonialism and its harshness of ripping people and communities from their land and their connection to spirit. The solo-self illusion is an auto-pilot way of being that reinforces the loneliness epidemic (Siegel, 2023, p. 30). Open awareness grants us the experience of shifting, expanding and stepping back to feel our interconnectivity, our inherent sense of belonging, our immense capacity for healing, and ultimately, an ability to allow this expansive nature to be what turns back in towards our own wounds and suffering with compassion.  

Siegel (2023) expands on what’s possible by saying, 

“When we speak of the “beginners mind” and “dropping beneath the filters” of our top-down mental models that define and confine how we construct and experience self, we can envision this as accessing the plane of possibility. When we see this plane as the portal through which integration naturally arises, we can envision how the release of energy from the learned filters enables integrative differentiation and linkage to emerge, to permit the natural drive of self-organization to arise, instead of being blocked by potentially restrictive and rigid plateaus” (p. 141).

Kind Intention

Neither of the two practices above are complete without a level of benevolence that weaves and permeates presence. Directing kindness towards others tends to be a lot easier than extending that same quality of care, understanding and compassion towards ourselves (for the most part). Whether we call it loving kindness, compassion, or positive regard, these are collectively subsumed under the broad term, kind intention (Villamil et al., 2018, p. 8). 

Villamil et al., (2018) refer to kind intention as a “state of mind, which embraces the cultivation of caring motivation towards all living beings” (p. 7). It is the “ability to exist in a positive, compassionate and loving (internal or external) state of mind” (p. 7). This is where we get to the heart of relationality and interconnectivity, and the Indigenous wisdom and philosophical contemplation “as within, so without”. Learning and practicing compassion and kindness towards the parts of ourselves we struggle with the most is the gateway to curating bridges, honoring polarity, and depolarizing what is causing distress. As Buddhist teacher Lama Owens (2023) writes “...there is no collective liberation without individual liberation.Understanding freedom for oneself makes it possible to understand and engage in liberatory work for the collective” (p. 55). I am reminded that the change we seek out in the world begins with cultivating that change internally. 

Self compassion and self kindness have profound psychological, physiological and behavioral impacts on those who practice it (Neff & Germer, 2024). While many folks believe that being kind, compassionate, loving, forgiving, etc., towards themselves will make them less likely to achieve the goal or success or mindset they strive for, research continues to culminate that shows quite the opposite is true (Neff & Germer, 2024). When we allow our self-critic or hostile inner-coach to berate and ridicule, this increases stress in our inner system and increases negative health risks as well as the potential of freezing during high stress moments (potentially the very moments we are trying to cultivate a pause and space to respond differently than we have in the past) (Neff & Germer, 2024). Villamil et al. (2018) highlight that when a practitioner is imagining compassion while in a FMRI there is a significant increase in gamma wave activity which is associated with high levels of synchrony among brain regions. The synchrony that emerges with gamma wave states “are highly coordinated, facilitate synaptic growth, and demonstrate improvement in neural integration (Villamil et al., 2018, p. 8). In other words, practices of compassion and kind intention improve health and well-being (Villamil et al., 2018, (p. 8). 

At the beginning of my personal development journey (aka my mental health crisis) I did not feel as though I had access to what felt like authentic love or compassion for myself. Instead, this practice began through a theory I referred to as pragmatic optimism. I had learned that those who develop an optimistic stance in life had better health overall than those who saw the glass half empty. While parts of me couldn’t access this positivity as their natural disposition, I could practice shifting and exploring the positive side of things as I knew this would benefit my health in the long run. 

Self-Compassion includes both listening generously, validating what is being expressed and felt, and creating clear boundaries as we step more fully into the role of the calm and wise leader who recognizes the bigger picture. Sometimes saying no or reminding ourselves gently and kindly why we have committed to something or how we want to show up is an important part of this practice. You may notice that sometimes you feel self compassion flow with ease, while other times it's as though self compassion isn't available, or you are convinced that in this situation self compassion isn't applicable. When we are in a survival state, we don't have immediate access to self compassion, we have a narrow field of perception, and the voice and stance of the inner-critic will appear stronger and more convincing.

Kristin Neff (2013) differentiates the practice of self-compassion as three steps, that in their own way are a reflection or a fractal of the three steps of Mind Training we have been moving through in this essay. When you notice distress, try slowing yourself down, place your hands on your body (I usually place my hands on my heart) with slow, smooth breaths.

1. Mindfulness - notice what you are feeling in your body and acknowledge the state of suffering and/or dysregulation. In other words, allow a few moments of focusing on your experience as it is. 

2. Common Humanity - acknowledge that this is a normal part of the human experience and you are not the first, only or last person who will feel this hardship. In other words, expand out to recognize your interconnected experience.

3. Self Kindness - open the door for some more safe and connected energy by using statements that provide kindness towards yourself. In other words, offer yourself the kindness you would if you were talking to a child or a dear friend. 

Another profound benefit of kind intention practices is the recruitment of the vagus nerve (Villamil et al., 2018, p. 9). Several research studies have shown that high vagal tone and high heart rate variability are associated with a healthy vagus nerve which is associated with a nervous system that can move from an activated state to a calm and regulated state with great efficiency. This is key when we consider the ability to pause and access the space between stimulus and response. When we are triggered into a reactive state, high vagal tone or a healthy vagus nerve is what supports our ability to slow down and get access to our whole brain in one or two mindful breaths rather than being blinded by activation and continuing to re-enact what we have done in the past. 

The vagus nerve is a main component of the parasympathetic nervous system and innervates the throat, heart, lungs, and down through the intestines to the colon. This gives us more information to recognize why when someone engages in kind intention or prosocial behavior, the cascade of healthy chemicals enacts a positive feedback loop that leads to better overall cardiovascular health, reduces levels of inflammation throughout the body, improves gastrointestinal processes, supports with pain management, lowers blood pressure, leads to stronger emotional and social connections, and improves emotional regulation (Villamil et al., 2018, p. 9). Practices of kind intention have immediate and long lasting benefits for the systems of the bodymind. 

Conclusion

We construct our perception of reality based on the current neural networks we have that are formulated through past experience. Practices that guide us to recognize how valuable it is to be gentle, kind and compassionate while noticing the change in our perception as we zoom in and zoom out, gives us access to the space where we can pause between stimulus and reaction to cultivate a chosen response. In this space, guided by our own loving presence and ability to hold a larger perspective as well as the multitude of individual experiences colliding, we can collaborate with the wisdom within and around us. An open, flexible, and adaptive perspective is possible for all of us when we train our mind to let go, to expand and to honor what is here now.

References:

Doidge, N. (2012). The brain that changes itself: Neuroplasticity in clinical practice. Psychotherapy Networker. 

Frankl, V. E. (1946). Man’s search for meaning. Beacon Press. 

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2018). Meditation is not what you think: Mindfulness and why it is so important. Hachette Books. 

Neff, K. (2013). Self compassion. Hodder & Stoughton.

Neff, K., & Germer, C. K. (2024). Mindful self-compassion for burnout: Tools to help you heal and recharge when you’re wrung out by stress. The Guilford Press. 

Owens, L. R. (2023). The New Saints: From Broken Hearts to Spiritual Warriors. Sounds True.

Villamil, A., Vogel, T., Weisbaum, E., & J. Siegel, D. (2018). Cultivating well-being through the three pillars of mind training: Understanding how training the mind improves physiological and psychological well-being. OBM Integrative and Complementary Medicine, 4(1), 1–16. https://doi.org/10.21926/obm.icm.1901003 

Ketamine Assisted Therapy

For my final practicum of my Master of Social Work program, I have been working at a Ketamine Assisted Therapy clinic called Bloom Psychedelic Therapy & Research Institute. A fascinating and rewarding experience as I entered this program with a desire to learn more about regulated psychedelic assisted therapy and a goal to work in a clinic like this. When I share this with folks, many express curiosity and want to learn more.

I am happy to engage in conversations and share more details or space for questions. In the meantime, here are a couple of infographics I have made. The first one, a little simpler. The second one, a bit more “academic”.

Enjoy ;)

We are Rhythm - Somatic Savvy 2025

Rhythm is the universal language of all living things, and the foundation for well-being. As we get to know our internal and environmental rhythms, we develop a deep sense of support and we access an innate inner stability. Disharmony or cacophony leads to dysfunction, disconnection and disease. Whereas harmony and coherence leads to the emergent magic that is what it is to be alive.

I invite you to consider that everything can be understood in rhythms. When two contrasting complements, or opposites in a rhythmic relationship, combine together in a balanced dance, something emerges that was not there before. The relationship changes both participants. In this way, rather than 1 + 1 = 2, it’s as though 1 + 1 = 3, because there are two parts that come together and create a third property that stands on its own. A rhythm. And when we combine rhythms within rhythms within rhythms, we have a recipe complex enough to touch what it is to be alive.

Imagine for a moment, a drum beat baseline. A simple sound that repeats at a predictable and consistent interval. From that steady foundation, incomes some percussion, aligned to the first rhythm yet with its own unique sound that has a relational rhythm that complements the drum. Then the introduction of another layer, as the bass guitar begins to add its unique contribution. Perhaps a melodic piano begins to play, a cello chimes in, and any number of other types of instruments or sounds. The emergence of a unique symphony vibrates through your eardrums and dances with your flesh.

While we are all impacted by environmental and biological rhythms, we also each have our own unique rhythm. The organs and systems of our body vibrate and move through cycles of activation and regulation as rhythms that, ideally, unite and work together. To be in-tune, coherent, harmonic, in flow, "of sound health," or in resonance, are all descriptions of a similar concept or state of being: to be aligned with the internal and external rhythms that create the emergence of this moment as it is.

There is support, direction and collaboration available when we tune into rhythm.

Consider what kind of sounds you would be noticing if all the rhythms that impact you were playing a completely different tune. The noise of the cacophony would require so much effort to drown out or to simply bare. When our rhythms are out of sync, creating noise rather than a sweet melody, we need to slow down, re-focus on one sound or instrument or rhythm to re-set a foundation. From there, the support of one foundational rhythm gives all other rhythms something to cohere to. One instrument at a time, one layer at a time, one habit at a time, one breath at a time. Re-alignment takes place until the entire unit comes back to be in “sound health.”

When we understand the various rhythms that we have conscious control over, we can access a deep reserve of support that makes creating change a whole lot easier.

Every action or thought has a vibratory component, and contributes to harmony or disharmony that emerges moment to moment. When we are unconscious to our role and impact on these rhythms, we can get stuck in negative cycles and patterns that do not serve our highest good, simply because we are feeding into incoherent rhythms and remain in what feels familiar rather than taking responsibility by generating a new rhythm.

How you breathe, how you hold space for what you think and say, how you move, how you sleep, what, how and when you eat, who and what you listen to, what sounds, sights and energy you have in your environment, etc., are all vibratory factors to consider as you move forward on this journey.

When we align vibrations to be mutually supportive, we tap into momentum. We can use this natural movement of energy, along with our wise guidance, to support our growth in a healthy and optimal rhythm of effort and surrender.

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In my upcoming Somatic Savvy series, we are bringing rhythm into our focus of attention. A continuation of what has been nourishing and successful for past participants, yet with slight format changes to curate a new unfolding for those who are ready to re-attune with rhythms. A 4-part series to re-connect you with the relational intelligence within you and around you.

The rhythm of breath as the maestro of your nervous system.

The rhythm of movement that is guided from the inside out.

The ultradian rhythm, a 90 minute pulse of effort and surrender.

The circadian rhythm, a 24 hour internal clock that balances your nourishment needs from light and dark.

The infradian rhythm, for biological females, four seasons of changes within a month long cycle.

As we learn, explore, experiment, and align more and more with these rhythms, we enjoy the flexibility, strength and connection that arises.

Are you ready to find your rhythm?

Somatic Savvy 2025 (online and recorded for your lifetime access to practice)

When: (mountain time)

Thursday January 30, 6Pm - 730pm

Thursday February 6, 6Pm - 730pm

Thursday February 20, 6Pm - 730pm

Thursday February 27, 6Pm - 730pm

Investment: $175 (via etransfer)

Previous participant in Somatic Savvy:

“The Somatic Savvy series with Marin was an absolute perfect addition to all the transfromational, albeit mostly intellectual, work I have done. I had no idea how profound it would be and how much it would shift me. It was the perfect puzzle piece I didn’t know I was missing. In the space where complete safety, non judgement and so much grace is created, miracles can happen. With Marin’s guidance, I was able to access the most subtle whispers my body was sharing and unlock healing of those parts of me that I have not been paying attention to and abandoned. Thanks to this work, I am more in love with myself and by extension, with the world around me. I’m eternally grateful” - Ola D.

Reach out with questions or for inquiry to register.

marinmccue@gmail.com

Internal Family Systems

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an integrative psychotherapy that is non-pathologizing and evidence-based (IFS Institute, 2023). It is informed by family systems theory, person-centered therapy, strength-based approach, narrative therapy, existentialism, spirituality, and attachment theory.

IFS was developed by family systems psychologist Dr. Richard Schwartz in the early 1980’s as a response to hearing clients refer to “parts” of themselves in complex relationships that mirrored external family dynamics (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). This led Schwartz to categorize three behavioral types of parts as managers, firefighters and exiles (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).

To understand how to work with your multiplicity, the Internal Family Systems model differentiates the categories of parts we have in our internal system and guides us in the process of discerning how to be with the burdens or the extreme tendencies in our system in a way that allows space to listen without judgement and understand the good intentions that are driving parts’ thoughts, feelings and behaviors. In doing so, we lead out parts to update beliefs, release patterns that are no longer serving the highest good of the system, and re-integrate parts that have been excessively burdened and exiled to the far reaches of our psyche. Ultimately, guiding us back into a state of collaboration and wholeness in our being.

Goals of the Model:

• Liberate parts from their extreme roles

• Restore trust in Self (Self-Leadership)

• Coordinate and harmonize the Self and the parts so they collaborate as a team to achieve balance and wholeness

• To bring more Self energy to external systems (as an individual heals, their Self energy can be healing for others and the world)

(Finney, 2024)

Relational Existence

Inspired by the work of Daniel Siegel (2023), let’s consider the three realms of relational existence as: inner (one’s own internal experience), inter (the dynamic relationship between things), and intra (inclusion of inner and inter as we expand into the transpersonal dimension). Let’s break these down with the framework of IFS.

INNER - The inner experience is depicted by the presence of "parts", which encapsulates our multiplicity. Parts are distinct aspects of one’s individual personality, of which can be in drastic opposition with each other, or can work collaboratively. They each have their own story and personality in many ways - versions of oneself per se. Inherited and developed over our lifetime, each part expresses with their own beliefs, unique perspectives, emotions, capacities and roles. We can simplify this with the common expression: “a part of me feels x, while another part of me feels y.”

INTER - Each part has a complex story, schema and history that impacts the relationships between parts, and between an individual’s Higher Self and parts. Some parts carry burdens (or stored ruptures) that have a frequency of dysregulation attached, and this vulnerability is often protected by other parts to avoid constant overwhelm. Some parts are in direct conflict with other parts, sometimes due to differing values or beliefs in regard to how this internal system should be led or what actions should be avoided. Other parts have been liberated and are able to engage collaboratively, creatively and with a strong sense of Higher Self energy projecting from within them. When there is a lot of stress present in the system, parts have a tendency to revert to an extreme role as a desperate attempt to control, manage, and protect the most vulnerable aspects in the system (i.e. the inner children). By being relational with our inner system, engaging inter-connectively as Higher Self to parts, we can guide a re-integration for the parts that have been isolated or separated. To be relational requires qualities like listening to understand, allowing space for emotional expression, and wise guidance to foster self-awareness and collaboration.

INTRA - Siegel (2023) refers to ‘intraconnection’ as an integration of the transpersonal experience by way of the intra-personal reality which is inseparable from our interconnected nature. This is a both/and transcendence that includes and expands on the individual experience as inseparable from that which is unseen and mysterious. Within the IFS framework, this reflects the experience of Self as the core essence of the individual's psyche, that which we all share, and aligning with multiple Indigenous and ancient wisdom and contemplative teachings, it is that from which we all come from. It is the unshakable and undamaged inner-stability that is both a wave-like state that we can emanate as well as feel enveloped and embraced by. It can also be embodied as a more solidified secure attachment figure that interacts and turns towards our parts (and the parts of others) with expansive, heart-led qualities signified as the 8 C’s and 5 P’s.

8 C’s: Compassion, Clarity, Curiosity, Creativity, Confidence, Calm, Centeredness, Connectedness

5 P’s: Playfulness, Peace, Presence, Persistence, Patience

Using his knowledge and experience in family systems therapy, Schwartz focused on healing the relationships between the sub-personalities or parts presenting in the client (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). In doing so, client’s access qualities of the 8 C’s and 5 P’s, which are affiliated with one’s innate spiritual essence (Janes et al., 2022) and serves as the internal attachment figure for parts to come back into healthy relationship with (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).

“Parts” of the Model

Managers and Firefighters serve to protect the internal system from the pain and flames of the wounds held by exiles. Both managers and firefighters are trying to maintain balance, safety, and order within the system, which includes keeping exiles separate, isolated and out of conscious awareness (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). Destructive, violent, or defensive reactions are sign-posts of managers and firefighters doing their job of keeping otherwise overwhelming emotions (i.e., exiles) at bay (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). The more exiles one has, the bigger and stronger these protectors will be. The more we release these stored traumas, wounds, or burdens, the more space opens in our system, revealing more Higher Self energy.

Managers use logic, over-thinking and control as their protective strategies, while firefighters use more drastic, harmful, and impulsive measures to keep the emotional pain of the exile out of conscious awareness (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).

Managers tend to express with the need to maintain control, to hold everything together, to problem solve and fix by over-thinking and analyzing. This is often experienced as perfectionism, self-criticism, self-judgement, excessive busy-ness or avoidance, all in an attempt to manage internal and external stressors.

Firefighters serve the role of strong reactive responses to subdue and avoid the flames of distress when the managers’ attempts have not kept that pain and discomfort at bay. They express with impulsive, compulsive, distracting behaviors, such as substance use/abuse, binge eating, dissociation, or self-harm. Their primary function is to extinguish emotional pain and protect the individual from overwhelming feelings.

Exiles are parts of the psyche that are young and vulnerable and are carrying the sensitive and heavy emotional burdens from the past (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). Exiles hold the pain and limiting beliefs of separation that were caused by traumatic events and ruptures that have not been repaired. Sometimes they hold specific memories of past experiences that have been difficult or overwhelming for the individual to process, other times they hold non-verbal, somatic sensations that have been passed down intergenerationally.

Fatimah Finney (2024) shares that rather than trying to be in Self all the time, it’s helpful to consider instead that we are the dynamic relational space where Self and parts are learning to work together. For many of us, this is a process where Self is learning how to be the leader of the system and our parts are learning how to let go of control and fear and open up to allowing this leadership. It is through our parts that we feel more Self, and as we are in relationship with them they learn that they can soften and step back as Self energy leads more fully (Finney, 2024).

References:

Finney, F. (2024). Self, spirituality & social justice. IFS: A tool for liberation. IFS Institute.

IFS Institute. (2023). About us. https://ifs-institute.com/about-us

Janes, E. E., Trevino, Z. R., Koehl, H., & Hung, Y.-H. (2022). Internal family systems and spirituality: Implications for supervision. Contemporary Family Therapy, 45(2), 218–227. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-021-09625-2

Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal family systems therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.

Winter Solstice 2024

Being immersed in my practicum at a ketamine-assisted therapy clinic has been one of the most interesting and growth-inducing experiences I have had in a while. I am being enriched as a student of therapy in regard to treatment modalities, being surrounded by a team of professionals working together to formulate treatment plans and facilitate individual and group programs and learning about the structure of a medical model business as a non-profit organization. I am also meeting more parts of myself that arise as I feel the subtle restraints as a student, restraints of a business functioning within a capitalistic society, and the restraints of the mental health field that is housed within a generally unwell system and culture.

Leaning into these tension points has been fruitful in many ways. I feel even more attuned to who I want to be as a clinical social worker, what kind of environment I want to work in and the people I want to work alongside. I feel more clarity in my vision regarding what is sustainably supportive and what is a “band-aid” fix. I feel more inspired and hopeful that regardless of what we are up against, there are so many creative and empowered people out there that are willing and able to be “cycle breakers” (an ode to a client I worked with today who lit up talking about this subject).

The funny thing about a vision and about clarity is that it is generally a right-brain mode of processing, and that does not come with fixed step by step how-to’s. It’s more of a gut feeling, a guiding light, and a fire that burns with passion and motivation. It requires practice, humility to continue learning and seeing from more perspectives. Trying things on and being ready to pivot and piece things together as they are happening. Making some plans, of course, and taking some risks to create structure and a container that can then be explored and played within. But we can’t get too far ahead of ourselves, as so much learning happens with each step and we need some flexibility to utilize what we learn.

I love transitions, the space between things, and for that reason, the equinox and solstice times of year are potent windows that I enjoy lavishing within. The days leading up to these points are times of deep reflection and creativity. And the day of is filled with intentional activities, unstructured play time, and sacred turning inwards. One thing I continue to feel inspired by and called to curate are gatherings where we can engage in ritual, learn and experience nervous system regulatory practices together, and choose to show up with and for each other in our common humanity. As I have been contemplating this upcoming winter solstice, I waffled between a live gathering online or a recording that could be shared and enjoyed at any time. While I first landed on curating the live experience, as days went by, I felt the pull to shift gears and offer something that could be more flexible and accessible.

So here it is, a free recording for you to enjoy. A bit of detail is provided on this page as well as access to the recording.

xoxoxox

Self-Compassion with B.R.I.T.A

"The goal of the practice is not perfection, it's to be a compassionate mess" - Kristin Neff

Authentic self-compassion is only accessible in the nervous system state where more safety vs danger is being perceived. When we are in a survival state, and don't have immediate access to self-compassion, the voice and stance of criticism, judgement, or hopelessness will appear strong and convincing.

Researcher Kristin Neff formulated three research-driven steps to access self-compassion. They are:

1. Mindfulness,

2. Common Humanity, and

3. Self-Kindness.

However, depending on how intense your internal experience is, fleshing out the mindfulness step with more clear structure and guidelines is helpful. A reminder I often come back to when I am noticing an internal experience of discomfort and some resistance to being compassionate towards it is: most emotions only last 90 seconds when you are able to allow yourself to feel it.

For this reason, I developed a step-by-step mindfulness support that increases curiosity and a sense of being relational with the body, making it easier to reach that 90 second mark.

BRITA:

Breathe

Recognize

Include and Identify

Track It

Address It

Integrating these two models, the first four steps of BRITA could provide more space and time to downregulate and open our system to receive more safety signals during the Mindfulness step. And the final step of BRITA: Address It, can be tagged on to the end of Neff’s steps as a way to expand what could be beneficial depending on the context you find yourself in. Let’s give it a try.

1.Mindfulness - notice what you are feeling in your body and acknowledge the state of discomfort, confusion, judgement, suffering and/or dysregulation. Place your hands on your body to offer loving touch and focus on your breath, guiding it into a smooth and soft rhythm with your attuned touch.

B.R.I.T.A

B - BREATHE: Focus on your rhythm and gently guide each breath to be smoother, softer, and more buoyant than the last. If struggling to slow your breath down, try box breath, humming, gentle touch and rocking side to side, or a double pump inhale, hold and slow release through pursed lips, sigh or hum (or any other technique you find supports in accessing calm).

Hold the hand of your breath as you move deeper to BE WITH whatever is arising in the NOW.

R - RECOGNIZE with loving presence: Turn towards and acknowledge the state you are in or experience you are having. This creates space for relationality as you notice, name and witness what arises, rather than being blended or taken over by it. Toggle back to full attention on your breath any time you feel a narrowing or lose connection to a spacious breath. When possible or ready to do so, go deeper and meet the raw sensation beneath the emotion of protection to interrupt the cycle of limiting beliefs.

I - INCLUDE & IDENTIFY with curiosity and compassion: What sensations are readily available to be felt? Where in your body and/or mind do you notice the sensation(s) or activation?

With as much descriptive detail as possible, how would you label and describe what you are feeling? How does it broadcast or express from your bodymind? Does it have a shape? Is it clear, fuzzy, empty, deep or heavy? Is there an ache, a numbness, or stuck-ness? Is it dull, sharp, mild, intense, squeezing in, collapsing in, pushing out, dense, subtle or loud? Notice and then notice more.

T - TRACK IT with mindful observance and non-attachment: Be with and feel the sensations unconditionally. Witness change with calm abiding. Observe without judgement as the sensations arise, move, shift, pulse, tingle, grow, transform, open, close and travel through your body. Can you sustain curiosity, awe, wonder and love as you create space around whatever it is you are feeling? Just witness the natural flow without an agenda, without manipulating it or trying to fix it. Send your breath to any areas of your body that need support. Allow these sensations to transform back into their true nature; energy in motion.

Let your body shake and move, or actively get moving to support your body in releasing the surge of energy that may have built up in this activation.

*By walking through the first four steps Breathe - Recognize - Include and Identify - Track it, we have given ourselves the space and capacity to regulate our nervous system and regain access to higher cortical functions in the brain. This is how we access space from our struggle so we can turn towards it with care, courage and wisdom, otherwise we are trying to fight or coerce our survival system from within our survival system. Now continue on with Neff’s final two steps.

2. Common Humanity - acknowledge that this is a normal part of the human experience and you are not alone in what you are feeling.

(i.e., “I am not the only one who feels this way. This is a common human experience. I am not alone in this feeling.”)

3. Self Kindness - open the door for some more safe and connected energy by using statements that provide kindness towards yourself.

(i.e., “May I remember to be patient with myself. May I remember to breathe slowly and allow myself space and time to feel this so it can move through me. May I remember that it is okay to feel many different things at once.”)

*Depending on the context, here are some further ideas to explore after completing the self-compassion process

A - ADDRESS IT:

• Assess Basic Needs: example "HALT" (am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired?)

• Bilateral Stimulation (physically with movement and emotionally with holding/including opposites)

• If this activation arose during a conversation with someone. Now is a good time to re-enter that conversation and share what you experienced. This is an opportunity to apologize if needed and re-engage from a place of calm connection and conscious communication.

Give this a try before you feel activated so you have some familiarity with the steps. And then next time you notice you are dysregulated or struggling with a sensation, thought or emotion, turn inwards and walk your way to authentic self-compassion.

xo Marin

Somatic Savvy - musings as I create the booklet for this series...

Did you know….On average, 95% of what you think today, you also thought yesterday. One of the many ways that we are creatures of habit. You are what you repeatedly do…..think, believe, move, who you surround yourself with, etc. We are the amalgamation of every past moment. Yet, some past moments and some patterns seems to occasionally be quite loud, or dominating, or isolating. As if to narrow our sense of self into a tight or limited expression of what could be much more expansive, liberated and adaptive.

Anyone who suffers with intrusive thoughts or patterns of thinking that are infused with darkness or the weight of the world knows that thoughts can make us sick and thoughts can make us well.

We cannot change the past per se or decrease the trauma of events that were too fast, too soon, unjust, harmful or that lacked the support and resources for repair and rehabilitation. What we can change is how we think about the past and how we utilize our thinking and being power in general.

For example, little me. This is a photo I didn’t know existed until a couple of days ago. And it delights me to have this gift of a moment in time frozen in a photo, as a mirror for what had been frozen inside of me for many years afterwards. My younger brother was born on my fourth birthday, and we joke now as adults about my struggle to share my birthday with him, my birthday twin. This photo captures the moment I first met my brother at the hospital, after my birthday party was interrupted and cut short for his arrival. There are a lot of emotions expressed in this little one’s face, and looking at this I can sense in my body the memory of joy, sadness, frustration, and confusion. I sense it now with love and nurturance, whereas when I was not in relationship with my bodymind/soma, I struggled to understand or allow these sensations when I felt them.

There is “what happened” in the past or the pain point we struggle with, and then there are the patterns of behavior we develop to cope with that pain. The patterns of behavior are evoked by the nervous system state or neural platform that signals to seek safety and/or cope with varying degrees of activation, extreme energy conservation and/or numbing.

When we learn to listen and notice our nervous system expressing these discernable neural platforms, we can develop the ability to skillfully navigate in and out of each state and observe as we change how we perceive, relate, connect, listen, move, think and speak.

The practices within the Somatic Savvy series are opportunities to turn towards your soma (i.e. your bodymind) and offer repairing modes of reconnection so that what has been veiled and separated can be re-integrated. And the tension from holding can be released.

To experience the somatic realm more fully is to listen, feel and bare witness to the reactions and expressions of the body that arise in the form of sensations, feelings, emotions, movements (i.e., twitches, impulses to reach, stretch, roll, twist, shake, tremor, etc.), visuals and various other types of communication that generally skips conscious processing. The wise Maya Angelou expresses the importance of this work with her words: “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.”

To be savvy in your soma is to be in the practice of understanding and utilizing your innate power to be in compassionate relationship with your self, which accompanies the ability to alter your own mood, physiology, emotions, beliefs and perspective. As well, through practices of reconnection we access a deeper knowing that we have always been connected and are far more interconnected than we may realize. Ultimately, this is a spiritual awakening within your body, a felt experience of remembering your divinity, while still honoring and embracing your humanness.

A process of learning how to turn towards your body, to awaken and nurture your aliveness, and come back into relationship with the parts of you that need validation, collaboration, love, support, and guidance. Echoed in the words of Indian yogi and mystic Sadhguru, “Self realization is a process of radical inclusion.”

Somatics is a pathway to embody your wholeness more fully.

Somatic Savvy - online group series - start September 26

Somatic Savvy - what, why, for who?

Being impacts doing

I have noticed in my social policy classes in my MSW program there is a tendency to focus primarily on how to change the system to be more equitable, or how to engage in promoting policy changes that shift rules and regulations to actually meet the needs of those who are being left behind.

From the get-go I felt a pull to include the lens of individual wellness in these macro level change realms. I truly believe that regardless of what systems and accountability checks we have in place, if those with power (or folks in general) remain in a reactive state, carrying unprocessed trauma in their bodies, and are making decisions from wounding or to avoid discomfort, we are going to find ourselves continually missing the mark on what we are trying to create. In other words, what we do is intimately impacted by our state of being.

divisiveness - is it a symptom of a lack of relationship with discomfort?

I have an interesting mix of books I am currently reading, all of which share the theme of discourse around “woke” culture yet from varying perspectives. While I tend to do my best to not have multiple books open simultaneously, this is an intentional choice that is helping me steep in the arguments for and against, or in other words, the divisiveness around “woke-ness.” To be honest, it’s only been a couple of weeks since I felt my understanding of the term “woke” become clarified. And it is the book The Identity Trap by Yascha Mounk (2024) that helped crystalize this for me.

Mounk (2024) explains “woke” culture as synonymous with a term he has coined called the “Identity Synthesis.” This is to encapsulate the phenomenon in our society that has led to a growing tendency to categorize within groups of identity such as race, culture, body aesthetics or abilities, socioeconomic status, and the various array of gender specifications, to name a few (Mounk, 2024). He also makes the case for how this phenomenon has grown and been adopted so broadly, as well as what he deems as the plethora of negative outcomes that have resulted (Mounk, 2024).

“My concern about the identity synthesis is that, in its own way, it too makes it harder for people to broaden their allegiances beyond a particular identity in a way that can sustain stability, solidarity, and social justice” (Mounk, 2024, p. 14).

While I agree with some aspects of his argument, there are also some glaring deficiencies in his explanations for how we got here and what to focus on to move forward.

He says,

“The lure that attracts so many people to the identity synthesis is a desire to overcome persistent injustices and create a society of genuine equals. But the likely outcome of implementing this ideology is a society in which an unremitting emphasis on our differences pits rigid identity groups against each other in a zero-sum battle for resources and recognition—a society in which all of us are, whether we want to or not, forced to define ourselves by the group into which we happen to be born. That’s what makes the identity synthesis a trap” (Mounk, 2024, p. 16).

Mounk (2024) goes into depth about the rise of social media and a whole generation of young folks who have been infiltrated with messages regarding identity and institutional racism, and stepped into the business or professional world soon after demanding change. While I see how social media played an integral role in bringing “woke culture” to our doorsteps, what he doesn’t acknowledge is that what seems like new information to some people (like white folks discovering systemic racism) has been commonplace and seen as “the way things are” for many marginalized and BIPOC folks for generations (Reed, 2021).

I have been sitting with this conversation for some time now, trying to find my footing in this discourse and sphere of social justice activism that expresses with identity markers yet in the next breath acknowledges race and many markers of identity as a social construction (Mounk, 2024). I have written about this in several of my papers in my school program, exploring the literature and doing my best to listen to the arguments on as many sides of this discourse as I can.

Something clicked for me today while at the gym while listening to a podcast called Divesting from Whiteness (Reed, 2021). The host, Joquina Reed was interviewing author Pixie Lighthorse. Pixie Lighthorse floated into my ether a couple of weeks ago with her book The Wound Makes the Medicine (2024), which was a profound book to listen to. I searched her out on my podcast app, as I do when I find someone I want to hear more from. In this episode from December 3, 2021, they begin to speak about white guilt and the struggle many white-bodied folks were facing as they tried to get involved in activism and were either propelled by white guilt or overwhelmed and stunned into inaction.

Not only could I relate to that intense push/pull in my system when I reflect to that period of time, but it also dawned on me, perhaps what we are seeing today, the huge influx of the Identity Synthesis and how it is so often weaponized, misunderstood and a pathway to further separation, is because of how many white-bodied people are being moved into adopting language, ideology and action from a place of white guilt, and/or unprocessed grief and trauma.

Now don’t get me wrong here, I also think it is far more complex than one determinant factor to explain. And I am not saying white people are the only one’s with unprocessed trauma in their bodies (obviously), nor are white-bodied folks to be blamed for getting in the way of social justice movements and collective healing. But I do see how the unique nature of “white guilt” could propel a vital movement like the Identity Synthesis in a misguided direction. To me this encapsulates what I have been exploring for months….what are the various protective mechanisms we humans deploy when discomfort arises, and we are not taught or skilled to be with it? Some common defense mechanisms are to get into action to “fix it” or avoid and distract at all costs, or blame someone or something else to divert that discomfort elsewhere.

I do not agree with Mounk (2024) in his assertion that the Identity Synthesis, or woke culture, is the problem. I think the problem is we focused too much on the system we wanted to create, what we needed to “do out there in the world”, and we left out the necessity of turning inwards and focusing on who we are being before we got into the doing.

Those with the most power will continue to benefit from our confusion, our polarizations, our othering, our blaming, and until we do the work to look inwards and learn how to be with these states internally, we will have a hard time knowing how to grow and come together.

“…demagogues thrive when societies are deeply polarized and decision makers are out of touch with the views of average citizens. While the advocates of the identity synthesis often point to serious problems that do urgently need to be remedied, the principles they champion and the solutions they offer are likely to drive more voters into the arms of extremists” (Mounk, 2024, p. 18).

So, why share this now?

I am fascinated with what we humans do when we feel discomfort. To be clear here, what fascinates me is the shared experience of subconscious protective mechanisms that we deploy to evade, avoid, explain or blame our discomfort, when the alternative is to feel it, be with it, allow it, and remain grounded and connected while we feel uncomfortable.

For many of us, this is a skill we did not have modelled or taught to us in our youth. It is something we need to learn as adults, and find more ways to model and teach this way of being benefits future generations.

Let’s learn, practice and grow this skill together

Somatic Savvy is a series created to come together and get better at being with what we are feeling. We learn and practice ways to hold space for the intelligence that is our body and embody more fully our inherent ability to lead a heart-centered way of being.

Not sure if Somatics is for you? 

Our symptoms of pain, stress, unrest, anxiety, depression, instability and disconnection from self and others are multifaceted and are often not the result of one thing we are doing or not doing. Culturally, systemically, historically, and globally, there is a lot to be stressed, anxious, angry, overwhelmed or defeated about. Somatic practices are not meant to be an avenue of taking personal responsibility for all the pain, heartache or struggle you experience in life - it is much more complicated than that.

However, when we feel incongruence inside or are struggling with chronic or recurring symptoms, we certainly do not have the energy, space and time needed to collaborate and problem solve the way we need to in order to guide our world in a more harmonious direction. Somatic practices guide us back to our inherent flexible and resilient state where healing and growth occur as human nature. The question becomes, once you feel stable and connected in your being, what will you do?  

Are you ready to explore, experiment and get more comfortable with the very real discomforts of life?

WHERE:

ZOOM/ONLINE

WHEN:

• THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 26 (6-715PM MT)

• SUNDAY OCT 13 (10-11:15AM MT)

• THURSDAY OCT 24 (6-715PM MT)

• SUNDAY NOV 3 (10-11:15AM MT)

• THURSDAY NOV 7 (6-715PM MT)

• THURSDAY NOV 28 (6-715PM MT)

Investment:

$175

To register, or inquire, send me an email at marinmccue@gmail.com

xo

Marin

References:

Mounk, Y. (2024). Identity trap: A story of ideas and power in our time. PENGUIN.

Lighthorse, P. (2024). The wound makes the medicine. Row House by Spotify Audiobooks.

Reed, J. (Host). (Dec 3, 2021). Exploring the mythology of progressive whiteness with Pixie Lighthorse (No. 4) [Audio podcast]. Divesting from whiteness. https://www.joquinareed.com

Divisive Times Require Bold, Brave and Compassionate Leadership

“All too often our so-called strength comes from fear, not love; instead of having a strong back, many of us have a defended front shielding a weak spine. In other words, we walk around brittle and defensive, trying to conceal our lack of confidence. If we strengthen our backs, metaphorically speaking, and develop a spine that’s flexible but sturdy, then we can risk having a front that’s soft and open...How can we give and accept care with strong-back, soft-front compassion, moving past fear into a place of genuine tenderness? I believe it comes about when we can be truly transparent, seeing the world clearly—and letting the world see into us.” - Roshi Joan Halifax

As I listened to this conversation yesterday between Tara Brach and Dr. Gabor Mate on the Sounds of Sand podcast, I was moved by the wisdom, vulnerability and relatability in what they shared. We are at a crucial time when it has become more apparent that silence and inaction are perpetuating harm, yet action and speaking up can also be divisive and harmful when it comes from our fear, our wounds, and our reactivity.

I am in the process with a few of my fellow students in my MSW cohort of organizing a talking circle with students and faculty of social work at the University of Calgary. I am moved to be in action in a way that is guided by the embodiment of compassion. We all need more examples around us of how to show up in difficult conversations during divisive times, modelling how to listen and express understanding while also leading towards a common humanity.

As Tara Brach says in this episode, we can’t seek a common humanity at the expense of another human. We need to be in action on behalf of ending suffering for all, and that requires holding space and being with the suffering without blame, hatred, or othering - or at the very least, holding space for those reactions as valid while also creating space for perspective, understanding and moving towards love.

I have been playing with the question of ‘what would love do?’ in moments when I pause and feel into what feels blocked or confused in my system. Tara mentions the work of Frank Ostaseski and his prompt, ‘what is love asking?’ Both of these questions are guiding us towards the state of a more fully embodied Self. The Self that is compassionate, loving, patient, understanding, reassuring, expansive and wise. As an embodied state this leads to the wise discernment that is depicted in the quote at the start of this post. A strong back or spine is flexible and sturdy as it creates security internally from a deep knowing of truth and presence, and a soft and receptive front, or heart, that can see and feel the reactivity in others (and ourselves) as a symptom of the immense suffering we are all learning how to be with.

As we move forward let’s do so with the intent to validate and allow for suffering. When I listen and understand your suffering, this does not mean I negate or diminish my own or anyone else’s suffering. Let’s move away from the colonial framework that pits us against each other, that assumes we are separate, that feeds off our competition and individuation, and says there are winners and losers. There is a way forward in this, and it starts by turning inwards and learning how to be gracious, loving and patient with your own suffering. Today, slow down and breathe, feel and listen to your body, and then hold space with the prompt…”what is love asking of me? or what would love do”? See what happens.

xo

Further Resources:

Documentary - Where the Olive Trees Weep

Book - Letters to my Palestinian Neighbor

Book - I Shall Not Hate: A Gaza Doctor’s Journey

Ancestral Work

I was watching a webinar hosted by Akilah Riley-Richardson a couple of weeks ago, and am continuing to have some profound insights from the reflection questions and prompts she shared. As a couple’s counsellor that specializes in BIPOC relationships and the impacts of historical, intergenerational and present-day trauma of interlocking systems of oppression and white supremacy culture, she highlights how difficult intimacy can be when there are valid survival strategies in one’s internal system that both protect and keep others at a distance. While I am not a part of the BIPOC community, and I recognize that I have more privilege than many others in this world, I am also aware that due to intersectionality, the context of the environment, my ancestral make-up of British (colonizer) and Irish (colonized) heritage, along with a long line of Mormon pioneers, I too have unique survival strategies in my system that I have inherited.

I will share some of the reflection questions and exercises she walked us through, and I invite you to move through this process as well. Some important context first. I have been on the path of connecting with my ancestry for several years now. It started with a desire to move from a place of being ashamed and disconnected from my lineage to a place of compassion and understanding. I am lucky that my grandparents on both sides, along with some uncles and aunts, have been doing ancestry work for many years, slowly accumulating information to fill in quite a comprehensive family tree. Going back five to eight generations now, I can see where my ancestors were born and where they died. As I studied this somewhat overwhelming map, I became more attuned to the timeline and the hardships that they went through in their personal, familial and cultural spheres. I mention this because when I sat through Akilah’s workshop I felt primed and connected to my ancestry in a way I have not experienced before. My responses to her prompts will reflect that.

Another note I will mention is that due to one of my foundational approaches to life being informed by Somatic Internal Family Systems, my responses to some of the prompts below took me into some internal work of being with what was arising to tend to and mend relationships that arose as needing some love and repair.

The first activity that I will share is one that Akilah referred to as The Theater of Oppression. Referring to the interlocking systems of oppression, intergenerational and historical trauma, and the inescapable bombardment of pressure and meta-narratives of white supremacy culture as The Theater. When considering you are in the theater of oppression, how would you finish these sentences, I am…… and this shows up in my (intimate) relationship(s) when I…….

Here goes:

In the theater of oppression, I am both oppressed and the oppressor. This shows up in my intimate relationship when I project my anger and desire for control towards him and persuade myself that if he changes certain habits than I would be more open and attentive to others. And, when I feel small, insignificant and “in trouble” when my partner expresses valid disappointment or unease in a decision/action I took. I cower in “I’m bad,” “I’m wrong,” “I’m in trouble”. “I’m not included or wanted“. “I cause others pain,” “this is all too much and I must collapse and hope for rescue”. 

I’m noticing this and bringing in compassion. I feel the hurt and disappointment, and I’m breathing in a way that communicates it’s okay to feel this and be with it. I used to collapse into despair and shutdown my system when I felt I had disappointed someone I love and respect, or done something seemingly reckless that left me feeling “stupid” or “unworthy”.  

As I show myself compassion and understand this behavior as part of my ancestral makeup that I can heal and evolve by staying present with it, it shifts and changes. The process of acceptance is a state of being, and being does not mean not doing. It’s a doing from a pure state of being, rather than doing from the colonial consciousness of most reactions. 

Moving on now to ancestral questions. Akilah asks us to consider the family narratives we grew up with and how they impact all of our relational dynamics (internally and externally). She asks us to ask ourselves, what strategies and/or beliefs have I inherited from an Elder or ancestor in my lineage?

As I sat with this, I wrote:

My body is to be tamed, controlled and punished.

I want to belong but I am fearful of belonging. Belonging is dangerous. Rather than truly belonging and trusting others, it’s better to be in control, be a trickster, and get what I need through self-preservation and perseverance.

It’s not safe to know who I am. Protect by remaining untethered. Wrapped in shame and guilt.

Akilah’s next prompt was to hold these responses in the light of our awareness, hold these ancestral stories and strategies with compassion and the societal and familial context that had them adopt these behaviors or beliefs. She referred to this as the Intergenerational Compassionate Network. As I did this, I felt the existential pain of my ancestors and the desire to belong to a religion that would answer the unanswerable questions. I felt the roots of colonial consciousness taking hold as the options were presented as buy-in or be gone. I felt the grief and turmoil of starvation and death all around me, and torturous acts that ripped all those involved away from their heart’s and their hope.

With this experience, I found myself feeling deeper awe, strength and gratitude to be a part of the ancestral line I was born into. I feel the immense opportunity and privilege to heal the ruptures and unbridled emotion that I was born with, and the gifts this provides me in the work I do now. I feel compassion for their hardship, their limited choices, and their courage to keep going even when it appeared dark and terrifying.

I also feel immense gratitude for Akilah Riley-Richardson, and her gift of working with couples and sharing these powerful prompts and experiences for many to learn and benefit from. My path of embodying a heart-centered way of being more fully continues, and I am clearer now on how that impacts and directs my choices and what I do. I hope this has sparked some insight and inspiration for you as well. For more content like this, head to Akilah’s website.

xoxo

Decolonizing the Therapy Space - podcast interview at Kindred Roots

I am excited to share this episode with all of you. I sit down with Hannah Barrett at Kindred Roots Therapy, a fellow MSW student, to talk about our experiences in decolonizing work. The sound is a tad bit spotty at times, and there is an option to download a transcript or watch as a video - depending on your preferred way to ingest information.

A blurb about this conversation….

“In this episode of Unfiltered Therapists, Hannah and Marin discuss their experiences and reflections on decolonizing the therapy space and engaging in anti-oppressive work. They explore the importance of land acknowledgements and the challenges of navigating white saviorism. They emphasize the need for continuous learning, self-reflection, and taking action to dismantle oppressive systems. They also discuss the impact of cancel culture and social media on perceptions and fear of judgment. In this conversation, Hannah and her guest discuss the importance of taking action in anti-oppressive practice and decolonizing spaces. They emphasize the power of collective support and the need to know that you're not alone in these efforts. They also explore the concept of self-compassion as an act of resistance and the role it plays in dismantling colonialism and oppressive systems. The conversation highlights the importance of mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness in cultivating self-compassion. They recommend reading 'Decolonizing Therapy' by Dr. Jennifer Mullen as a resource for understanding and challenging oppressive systems.”

Here it is

I would love to hear your reflections ;)

Self-Compassion as Embodied Resistance (to the shapeshifting expression of colonialism)

Today is the summer solstice. A day that represents a threshold as the midpoint and longest day of the year. A day to be in ritual in whatever way serves you as we welcome our shadows to be illuminated and supported with the power of immense light.

As I reflect on the first half of this year I recognize a theme of embodying ideas, concepts and goals more fully. Less emphasis on doing or performing, and more on being with and co-creating. I have been immersed in literature, conversations and practices that share anti-colonial frameworks, and I have remained curious on this path of deconstructing colonial consciousness. I sense, see and trust a deep rhythm that manifests as breath, energy levels, day and night, highs and lows, expansion and contraction, and I feel guided and in awe of these opposing forces that collaborate as synchronistic waves. Today I will be devoting myself to diverse movement, opening myself to nourishment that awaits in flow, and enjoying sweet moments of rest, listening and honoring what has become clearer within me over these past several months.

Before I shift gears into the flow of the day, there is something I have been playing with and exploring that I feel compelled to sit with, write about and share. My understanding of mental health has been shifting as I have recently learned about a new (to me) concept called sanism (or mentalism). Sanism expands the focus from the individual who suffers with mental health issues to look instead at the systematic perpetuation and marginalization of individuals who are diagnosed and pathologized within the medical health system (MacPhee & Wilson Norrad, 2021). As an ‘ism’, it cannot be separated from the interlocking systems of oppression that collide and amplify based on intergenerational trauma and aspects of an individual’s identity that are deemed as “other” within the dominant Eurocentric ideology. As such, I cannot attempt to Universalize what anti-sanism, or what a lived experience of sanism, looks like. For me, anti-sanism is an embodiment of self-compassion and relationality as it requires we step out of a deficit-lens, blame or dualistic categories of well/un-well.

Relationality is a core concept within many Indigenous paradigms (Wilson, 2019) and the more I open myself to the wisdom of relationality, the more I understand non-dualism and a path forward that is radically inclusive and inherently healing. To be relational with myself and others reminds me that how we listen, engage, and relate with each other can lead towards learning and understanding (for all involved) or can further the harm and internalization of oppression (Johnstone, 2021). There is a tendency within the mental health field to rely on diagnoses, categories, medication, individuation, and self-development to “fix” or “cope” with the hand we have been dealt as individuals. I am all for self-empowerment and development, and when we expand our perspective to recognize the way historically and present-day society (i.e. norms, expectations, meta-narratives, etc.) impact our individual mental health, we see that focusing on the individual to create solutions is not enough.

An example of sanism that I found to have a far-reaching relatability is how grief is described within the medical model as a sequence of emotions that lead towards a resolution with indicators of what is deemed “normal”. This template creates eligibility criteria for those on bereavement leave, and substantial exclusion of other stories of grief that do not fit this meta-narrative (Johnstone, 2021). People experience grief in multiple ways, and we add suffering to this experience when we categorize it, compare it, and judge it on a scale of normal to abnormal.

For me, I have sat with the concept of anti-sanism and my desire to embody it as a quality or verb rather than strive for it as an external and future destination. This brought me to the exploratory sentiment that self-compassion is embodied resistance to sanism. Self-compassion asks us to be relational with ourselves, to empathize, validate and soothe our own internal experience by normalizing and welcoming it. It leads us to ask our suffering what it needs and listen to our body rather than force or ignore it. Self-compassion guides us to see there is no part of ourselves that is inherently “less than”, to question what/how we view “difference”, and to pause to see more perspectives. Self-compassion guides us back into our bodies, a place that can be more than just uncomfortable to inhabit fully. Yet it is this path of embodiment that connects us more fully with our ability to see a broader perspective and take action against systems that seek to keep us distracted.

Referring to mental health stigma keeps the focus on the individual and misses the fact that there’s an entire Industry that benefits from us being distracted talking about stigma. We must talk about the impact of intergenerational trauma due to colonialism and oppressive systems that continue to impact our individual and collective mental health. 

How we participate in the system matters. The process of unlearning sanism is riddled with discomfort as we see ourselves, others and the world perpetuating a narrow and capitalistic driven medical model approach to mental health (which inherently erases the experiences of many). As we shift our individual and collective consciousness, we will be increasingly disruptive, yet in loving and inclusive ways. As we do this, we engage in less othering and blaming, and work towards banding together, united as human beings who deserve to live in an equitable society. 

And so I begin to end my thoughts here for now. I venture out in my day with the energy cultivated from putting these thoughts together to share with you, and I choose to lean into the practice of self-compassion as embodied resistance to the systems that seek to keep me (us) in a contracted and distracted state. I choose expansion. I choose to lead by example by modelling self-compassion internally and reflecting it externally. I choose to see the light and dark with a welcoming and spacious lens. I choose to take action with love, understanding and the wisdom of a resilient heart that holds us all in our highest light.

Happy Solstice

xo

References

Johnstone, M. (2021). Centering social justice in mental health practice: Epistemic justice and social work practice. Research on Social Work Practice, 31(6), 634–643. https://doi.org/10.1177/10497315211010957 

MacPhee, K., & Wilson Norrad, L. (2021). Learning and unlearning: Two social workers’ autoethnographic exploration into mad studies. Journal of Progressive Human Services, 33(1), 40–61. https://doi.org/10.1080/10428232.2021.2007456

Wilson, S. (2019). Research is ceremony: Indigenous research methods. Langara College.

Weaving and Integrating

Year two of my MSW program started at the beginning of this month. Our first class of the spring semester was Social Justice & Theory, taught by Professor Yahya El-Lahib. On our first day of class, Yahya said that he will know he has done his job in this class if we all leave with more questions than answers. The timing of this class, with this professor and his skillset in facilitating, feels like synchronicity. The support and reminders I received over these past few weeks were what I needed to go a layer deeper and spiral a level up. I see myself more clearly now than I ever have before, I am embodying qualities more fully, and I certainly do have many questions that I recognize require space, grappling, and collective dialogue. 

As I sit here gathering my thoughts, I feel into my intention for writing this morning. There are multiple threads at play, all important pieces to encapsulate the context and nuance of what I am experiencing and perceiving. Too many threads to speak to in a blog post, as I recognize more and more that without relational dialogue, I am creating an island of my perspective and my understanding, which is valid and might be interesting, but is inherently lacking valuable and important input, growth and perspectives from others. I am questioning how I want to present myself, how to represent others, and how to share learnings, insights and quandaries while remaining open and fluid to new information as it arises and the relational field of others' lived experiences. What I am feeling into is recognizing that the more embodied and present I am, the less solid or confident I am in writing down anything that may appear as “matter of fact” because as soon as I observe what I want to share it already begins to transform. 

While I feel tempted to go into detail, the way I would if I were conversing in person with someone who wants to hear what is shapeshifting inside of me and what is influencing that shapeshifting, that feels misaligned in this context of a blog post. Perhaps some blog posts in the future would be better served as recorded conversations, maybe getting back into podcasting, as the relational piece of information sharing, learning and integrating requires more than one voice being heard. This brings me to a big thread that I feel compelled to speak to. Throughout this class I see and feel clearly the danger in Universalization. My experience, what I need, what works for me, etc., cannot be used as a Universal template for everyone. I am reminded of one of the inquiries I engaged in throughout the writing of my book several years ago, the seeking of a universal template of sorts that is the key to wellness or health or happiness. This drive to learn and grow as an individual, and then use those learnings and insights to support others comes from a genuine place, yet it is deeply misguided in many ways. Paradoxically, there is potentially a universal template that appears when we hold space for this complexity.

As I feel into that, I also recognize that what I do believe is that we all could benefit from embodying Love for ourselves and for each other. However, how we do that, what that looks like, and what might be in the way is vastly different for each person or group of people. This is where the concept of nondualism is extremely supportive. There are multiple truths, and this is not an exploration of finding the one right way. The more we can hold space for multiple truths, multiple lived experiences, and multiple ways of being and knowing, the closer we get to this essence of Love. 

Throughout this class I came to realize that I have a strong reaction of discomfort when I am in the presence of what is being portrayed as “different” than me. I look for what makes us the same, I feel our interconnectedness, our one-ness (which is important). However, my lack of skill to hold space and honor difference blocks me from truly knowing and loving the person or people I am with. It erects a divide between us. How can I truly know you if I can’t sit with and honor what makes you different than me? When I notice this discomfort within me, I have an opportunity to ground myself and remind myself of the importance to practice remaining present and open to learn and know that difference is beautiful and vital to our existence.

I was watching a show a few days ago about farming, and they spoke to the importance of maintaining diversity of plants in the fields. The fields that are homogenized lose their vitality and eventually the soil becomes weak and will not produce growth. The soil that maintains diverse plant life is nourished by this diversity, while the interconnection of the roots supports the ecosystem above and below ground. I find this to be a wonderful analogy to support why diversity of people, cultures and lived experiences is vital for the health, nourishment and vitality of our humanity. 

As I sit with this supportive analogy, it reminds me of the parallel to our inner experience as well. To truly be compassionate towards ourselves, we must honor our inner diversity. More specifically, the parts within that we may struggle with are to be radically included and loved so that they receive the nourishment they need to transform (if transformation is what happens organically after inclusion).

“When we stop trying to fix or get rid of our Parts, and instead listen to them with curiosity and compassion, we create a space where healing can happen.”

- Michelle Glass (2016)

“Demons do not occur in a vacuum; they are often inherited. The way to change things is to address the underlying issue, through feeding our demons what they actually need instead of what they seem to want.”

- Tsultrim Allione (2008) cited by Jenniffer Mullan (2023), p. 12

This leads me to another thread that has been integral to what is happening within me and around me. I am questioning my perspective on mental health and the (over)use of self-regulation. Yahya pointed out some literature and ideas for me to explore, including sanism and the work of anti-sanism. While this concept has been around for a long time, it has minimal research or literature due to its lack of attention in academia. 

In an article titled Mental Health, Mentalism and Sanism (2015) by Jennifer M Poole and Tania Jivraj, they explore the history of the Mad Movement and the underlying message from these folks that rather than focusing on mental health stigma as the problem, we need to get down deeper to the root of the problem, which is a cultural and systemic perspective that vilifies “abnormal” mental health as something that depicts “something is wrong” and is often mediated with medication or institutionalization.

Additionally, they recognize that mental health issues often plague the individual with being perceived as unstable, dangerous and unpredictable. Self-regulation, as it is often taught, is a tool wielded to teach the person to take responsibility for their dysregulation, and an underlying message may be internalized regarding the goal to “fit in” and function in society as it is. It is important to note here that some reading this might have an automatic dualistic reaction (as this is an inherent quality of an imperialist, capitalist, white supremacist culture) that anyone who is mentally unwell either wants help to “fix it” or is so unwell they don’t realize they need help. Or perhaps there is a reactive thought that says, if society was to accept people who are mentally “unwell” and different from the “normal mentally sound” person then everything about how we function together would need to change. I have also had the thought that anyone who has mental health struggles are inherently out of balance and would benefit from interventions that lead to balance. So how is this line of thinking perpetuating a misconception of mental health?

The work of those engaged in the sanism or anti-sanism movement are not trying to advocate for a one-size fits all solution, and of course there will be scenarios when access to medication or education or more support is needed or asked for, but that is certainly not the case for everyone who has mental health “abnormalities”. Just because someone sought help at one point in time does not mean that person should be viewed as weak or less than or unpredictable as a part of their being. Along with this is the opportunity to see this incessant paradigm in our culture that views mental health “struggles” as a negative and as something wrong with the individual. These negative perceptions become internalized and perpetuated as those who struggle view themselves as weak or less than and may continually seek support trying to fix what society has deemed as an imbalance. In fact, any form of oppression can become internalized as the “abuser” of the oppression embodies this message and the “abused” takes on this belief as well. 

“In her foundational article on the ex- (mental health) patients’ movement (1990), Chamberlin argues that in the early days of organizing, ex-patients (also known as consumers, survivors, consumer/survivors, users, refusers, lunatics, crazies, or Mad) identified mentalism and sane chauvinism as a set of negative assumptions which most people, including ex-patients themselves, held about ‘mental patients.’ More recently, mentalism has been defined as the systematic subjugation of people who have received mental health diagnoses or treatment. Like racism, mentalism may result in blatant discrimination, but will be most commonly expressed in “multiple, small insults and indignities” known as “microaggressions” (Kalinowski and Risser, 2005: p. 1). These microaggressions will include low expectations and professional judgements that such individuals are helpless, incompetent, violent, and irrational (Chamberlin, 1990)” (Poole & Jivraj, 2015, p. 200) 

How this has landed for me is in my journey of understanding and embracing the parts of me that express with various forms of neurodivergence. I realized that I was carrying a belief that when my neurodivergence was “getting in the way” of being able to go along with what was being asked of me or what I had decided is the behavior of a well-functioning human being, I automatically perceived this as an area of my life that I needed to practice more self-regulation. Inherent in this messaging is a belief that parts of me are not okay as they are, something is wrong, and I need to further develop the skills and tools to regulate so I can show up in a way that meets the expectations of others. Important to note here that there is much of what I just shared that I still hold as important to consider. Of course I want to function to the best of my ability, and of course I want to be able to show up for others, collaborate and co-create and strengthen relationships. Of course. However, I do not need to perpetuate the message that something is wrong with me or that it is my responsibility to self-regulate when I feel “unstable” or sensitive or over-stimulated or when I hear and feel the part of me that activates brain/thought “glitches”. 

A simple shift in perspective opens me up to recognizing that it is important to listen and hold space for discomfort and ground myself without that meaning I will feel “regulated” or comfortable or that the discomfort will be gone. This feels like grounding and being with what I am feeling rather than needing to pause everything to “regulate” before I can continue on. I am often reminded that we actually curate more connection and balance within our systems when we stop trying to force, vilify, or ‘let go’ of what has been conceptualized as “wrong”, and instead soften with love, acceptance and welcoming.

When I focus on grounding, being with what’s here and loving it, the outcome generally is what I had previously been trying to force through manipulation of my experience. When I carry the story that “something is wrong with me” and “I must regulate myself before I move forward” I am exacerbating the negative loops and steering myself further away from an integrated sense of self that is inherently loving and fully capable of a creative and functional existence. 

While I do advocate for mental wellness and support for those who feel unstable in their own bodymind, one of the most effective steps in counseling with others has been the experiential learning and adoption of self compassion. There is a powerful shift that happens when the gentle acceptance of compassion flows into one’s system, which includes mindfully attending to the felt sense of the body, recognizing the common humanity in the experience (i,e. Feeling less alone in the experience), and offering oneself kindness and grace in the form of nurturing phrases or gestures (Neff, 2013).  

An important aspect of this shift in perspective on mental health is that rather than focusing on the individual as the site of the problem that needs to be fixed, we expand out to focus on… 

“oppression, power, privilege, language, multiplicities of mood, emotion and ways of being, de-categorization, contextualization, connection, and the intersection of identity with multiple forms of oppression. In this theoretical place, we find mental health approaches that include but are not limited to feminism, antiracism and anticolonial work, critical race work, critical psychiatry, antipoverty work, anti-oppressive practice (AOP), social determinants of mental health approach, queer studies, narrative analysis, critical disability studies, sociology of the body, and, of course, Mad Studies.” (Poole & Jivraj, p. 201)

The final thread I would like to speak to is one of an even more personal note. As I have been grappling with all of this, I sought out some support from my friend Linda who shows up with skills and knowledge from her long life as a learner and her chosen scope of using craniosacral tools to hold space and support others. So much of my journey in these last few years has involved reflection around distrust of community, grappling with power (i.e. imbalances, power over, power together, abuse of power, etc.), a desire to belong and to embody the discernment between boldly believing I Matter without teetering towards I Matter More. 

In the past few weeks this has come to the surface of my experience again, as information regarding a leader in one of the communities I have been a part of has been accused of a pattern of sexual misconduct. As I sat with this information, I noticed my own familiar reactions of first feeling overwhelmed, followed by self-doubt, some fear, and telling myself things that equate to “I don’t matter”. 

Sharing this with Linda, while on her table, I tapped into a part of me that was quite mad. I sat with her and she appeared as a little me, five years old, with her fists up ready to go toe to toe. I visualized the family I grew up in and saw my siblings and mother cowering away from my father, and little me stepping forward to stand up for everyone and protect, because no one else would. I realized this little one had her tail between her legs. She was scared, she didn’t want to do this on her own, but at that time it was what she felt she had to do. I felt so much love and compassion and understanding for this little one. And as I sat with her, validating her experience, I saw hands holding and a circle forming. This little one, in her posture of fear and fierce protection ready to battle, could finally relax as she felt this posture is not needed when she is holding hands with others who are standing up together in a loving way. I felt the embodiment of I Matter as my place in the circle of people holding hands felt important and valuable, and a very clear discernment of how that was not at all portraying I Matter More.

I sense that the pain I often feel in my low back is connected to this posture of fear and fierceness to protect, and the more I relax into the support that is around me and within me, this little one will get the message on repeat that she doesn’t have to do it alone anymore. She is, I am, we are, supported. We all matter, and we all need to learn how to take turns centering those who need more support without that inherently meaning anything about who matters more. 

References:

Glass, M. (2017). Daily Parts Meditation Practice: A journey of embodied integration for clients and therapists. The Listener.

Mullan, J. (2023). Decolonizing therapy: Oppression, historical trauma, and politicizing your practice. W. W. Norton.

Neff, K. (2013). Self compassion. Hodder & Stoughton.

Poole, J. M., & Jivraj, T. (2015). Mental Health, Mentalism and Sanism. In School of Social Work (pp. 200–203). essay, Ryerson University.

A framework to practice - practicum complete

Here we are. My final offering within the container of this practicum, yet certainly not the end of this work. As I close this chapter I do so with gratitude, humility and a deep desire to continue this journey of learning and exploration. Before I settle into a pause for rest, I felt a surge of creative energy move through me after my presentation this morning which has resulted in this blog post. Below is a bit of a summary, new thoughts and connections weaving in, and a prelude to the recording attached at the end of this post. 

Within the Hermetic tradition (dated between 200 - 500 BCE), an occult sect of spiritual seekers and alchemists, one of their core principles, according to the text The Kybalion (Atkinson, 1908), is referred to as the law of correspondence. Aptly described as “as within, so without, as above, so below, as the Universe, so the soul” (Atkinson, 1908). In other words, due to the interconnected and fractal nature of existence, everything is a reflection of what it is connected to. I first read The Kybalion ten years ago and I immediately felt alignment with much of the philosophical structure it illuminated regarding how to perceive life. This is what sparked my rabbit hole exploration and initiation into rhythm, nondualism, vibration and sound healing.

I heard and felt similar teachings and supportive practices as I moved into the world of yoga. There are several prominent ancient yogic texts and I found myself most drawn to The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali (dated between 200 CE to 500 BCE). Translated from sanskrit by Swami Satchidananda (2014), I continue to revisit and reframe these teachings as my experience and understanding of yoga deepens. Patanjali refers to the practice and the state of yoga being in the now, and liberation is achieved when we recognize how to quiet the fluctuations of our mind and see/be the true self shining steadily beneath, which is the reflection of source or Brahman within each one of us. When we learn how to release ourselves from the shackles of our own perceptions and thinking, we have a template for liberation in the outer world. I find this translation to be a beautiful illustrative example of ancient wisdom that we are continuing to learn how to emulate. 

Most recently, in the webinar series I have spoken about many times now featuring Tiokasin Ghosthorse (2021), he mentions “as within, so without” as a wisdom teaching within the Lakota culture, represented by the symbol X. As my affinity for symbols has increased exponentially over these past few weeks, I am now enjoying the play with X and the clear depiction of the V reflecting its inverted shape below it. 

As someone who is fascinated with ‘change,’ and how to be the most effective, efficient and expansive change-maker, I am more clear on a few steps because of the exploration I have been on during this practicum project. I have been a long-time advocate of the belief that the change we seek externally begins on the inside (i.e., “be the change you wish to see in the world” Mahatma Gandhi). I now understand that when it comes to things like white supremacy culture and racism, these are embedded into our systems like a virus (Menakem, 2021) and conditioned into our psyches in ways that many of us don’t see. In order to deconstruct this, we must be ready to meet the “colonial shattering of identity” that is being fiercely protected at the subconscious level (Drichel, 2013; p. 49). This is not easy work.

This requires us to understand the history of colonialism and white supremacy culture and the various ways we continually recreate this box we live within (Ghosthorse, 2021). Again, as Audre Lorde (1984) reminds us, “The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” When we see the tools we are wielding to continually recreate domination, othering, disconnection and division (Okun, 2023), we then need a ritual that will help us put those tools down and practice reconstructing with tools of heart-centeredness (hence, the framework). 

I share in this recorded presentation a few questions you can use to support the process of questioning what we perceive with justifications like “this is just the way it is.” These questions come from the work of the Bias Free Framework (Eichler & Burke, 2006), as they point out three three major forms of bias that intersect and perpetuate bias when we are unaware of them. I re-worked these “red flags” into questions so that they are (potentially) more tangible reminders that we can work with. 

• Am I maintaining hierarchy and status quo?

• Can I notice, shift and examine multiple perspectives?

• Am I using dualistic language or comparison that is inherently exclusive or uses “power over”?

Massive change is possible, and what these, and many other, wisdom teachings are pointing us towards is to take responsibility for our inner-world/work so that we can begin to reflect a new way of engaging and being together in the outer world. If everything is relationships (Wilson, 2019) as many Indigenous teachings guide us to recognize, then the way we become agents of change is through the pathway of our inner-work. When we change the way we relate with ourselves, this changes how we relate with others, which reflects outwards and influences everything we are connected to (which is everything). While we might see the change needed out in the world, what we have intimate access to change is what is happening on the inside, and that is where we must begin. It is certainly not where we end though, as the path of change requires that we engage in the world and practice new ways of relating and creating. 

This framework I have co-created through practice, inspiring conversations and the insights garnered from other creators in this field, is structured to settle the chaos of activation. It is a supportive energetic field to meet ourselves with an open and infinitely stable heart-centeredness so we can engage in the world from and with heart-centeredness. It is meant to be flexible and adaptive as there are innumerable situations that it could be used, yet it leads to the same way of being relational, heart-centered, and ready to improvise, connect and collaborate in presence. 

Important to note here, this is a framework for ally’s who are interested in doing the intrapersonal and interpersonal work to deconstruct bias and colonial consciousness in an effort to be a part of deconstructing systemic racism and colonial tenets that are foundational in our culture. As my practicum supervisor reminded me last week, when someone has arrows pointed at them or are the target of the oppressive and harmful rhetoric and behavior, as ally’s it is not our place to be the “tone police” or tell them how they could regulate themselves better (Harcourt, 2024, personal conversation). This is a framework for you to choose to explore and practice, and not something to impose onto others. 

I will allow the recording of my final presentation to do the rest of the talking for this post. 

Thank you for your attention and willingness to join me on this journey. I would love to hear your thoughts, ideas and experiences that have arisen from this work. 

Presentation Slides



References (for blog post)

Atkinson, W. W. (1908). The kybalion: A study of the Hermetic philosophy of Ancient Egypt and Greece. A.F. Seward & Co. 

Bronstein, E. (2024). Learn with Einat Bronstein. IFS Learning Hub. Retrieved February 2024, from https://learn.ifs-institute.com/programs/values-and-beliefs-in-the-therapy-room/modules/february-2024-lorem-ipsum/lesson/watch-learn-with-einat-bronstein/.

Drichel, S. (2013). Towards a “radical acceptance of vulnerability”: Postcolonialism and deconstruction. SubStance, 42(3), 46–66. https://doi.org/10.1353/sub.2013.0034 

Eichler, M., & Burke, M. A. (2006). The Bias Free Framework. Canadian Journal of Public Health, 97(1), 63–68. https://doi.org/10.1007/bf03405218

Ghosthorse, T. (2021). Deprogramming the colonial mind: Re-languaging regeneration. Restorative Practices. https://restorativepractices.com/product/re-languaging/

Lorde, A. (1984). The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house (Comments at the “The personal and the political panel,” Second Sex Conference, New York, September 29, 1979). In Sister outsider (pp. 110–113). Sister Visions Press. (Original work published 1979).

Menakem, R. (2021). My grandmother’s hands: Racialized trauma and the pathway to mending our hearts and bodies. Penguin Books. 

Okun, T. (2023). White Supremacy Culture. WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE. https://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/

Patañjali. (2014). The yoga sutras of patanjali (S. Satchidananda, Trans.). Integral Yoga Publications. 

Wilson, S. (2019). Research is ceremony: Indigenous research methods. Langara College.

A path forward with chaos and rigidity - Week 12 of my practicum

My protective mechanisms have been strong this week. It feels like resistance to sit down and work on this blog, it feels like an anxious undertone that makes me uncomfortable in stillness, it feels like fear of not being enough, and it shows up with waves of brain fog and confusion when I start to think my way through what is causing this inner turmoil. All of which lead towards a strong push/pull towards dissociation and shutdown. 

I am not surprised that I have been feeling this resistance, as the content of this blog post has brought me closer to parts of myself that prefer to remain unseen and unchecked. And as I near the end of this practicum, I am also feeling some internal pressure to finish this in a way that includes all the threads and loose ends that have surfaced or have been dropped along the way and weave them together in a coherent, flexible, considerate, and inspiring formation. While this desire to finish well makes sense and is welcome, I notice it has more intensity and fear in it since my system is already tipped towards activation and resistance (i.e. more danger signals than safety signals).

With that initial context laid out, as I sit here this morning, preparing myself to move back in towards what has become rattled, ready to read through my notes and formulate a coherent blog post, I feel proud of my patience and how compassionate and gentle I have been with myself this week. I have learned to trust the rhythm of my nervous system, my persistence in this work, and the importance of welcoming and nurturing what arises. That is how my system receives the safety signals it needs so that I can regulate after being dysregulated and either take action to repair what has been ruptured and/or go deeper into my psyche in a warm and welcoming way. 

Another important piece I am compelled to share is that I am astutely aware of the important guardrail in this work that has been spoken by many equity deserving groups, which states: “nothing about us without ut.” I have been grappling with this as I recognize that the inner work I have been showcasing centers myself often, and is micro level work, which is valid and important yet certainly not sufficient nor complete. The framework I am working towards sharing is also not complete without authentic relationships with equity deserving groups in pursuit of mezzo and macro change. As I approach the end of this practicum, and sit with what I am learning, how I am feeling, and how to weave it all together in a way that fosters structure yet honors space for continued growth and exploration, I acknowledge that this work is not done, and in many ways this is just the beginning. 

With that said, in these final couple of weeks, I see value in suggesting a framework or map that reduces cognitive load while practicing the habit of noticing bias or the protective impulses that surface during conversations that include oppression, privilege, race and the multitude of ways that colonial consciousness has impacted our internal and external systems to compare, judge, ignore and vilify the “other.” More specifically, how to stay or cultivate grounding and nervous system regulation in otherwise activating situations or conversations, so that understanding and connection can be prioritized (internally and externally). Noting the complexity of this content and of the human psyche at the individual and collective level, I recognize that seeking a simple framework needs to also include and honor this complexity, as there is no such thing as “one size fits all.” This led me to the dance between rigidity and chaos. 

Rigidity and Chaos

I was reminded this week of a non-dual contemplation that is quite supportive when engaging in the work of creating new habits, seeing self more clearly (with radical inclusivity), and practicing harmony and alignment as a way of being, and that is the inclusion and balance of chaos and rigidity. Too much rigidity (i.e. structure, rules, containment, expectations, etc.) leads to atrophy as it holds tight to what is without the important input that comes from surrender, spontaneity, play and openness to novelty. On the other end of that spectrum, too much chaos (i.e. uncertainty, erratic energy, disorder, etc.) is exhausting and de-stabilizing, as we need some structure and predictability (occasionally) to organize and make sense of our experience, providing form for the performance of presence as living and breathing energy. However, the ideal is that these two seemingly opposites merge and dance together in balance so that a third entity of harmony and creative congruence emerges. 

As an example of chaos and rigidity balancing in complex systems, neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett (2020) describes the evolution of the brain as a process that included continuous re-organization as it became larger and more complex over time. This reorganization process is one of “segmenting and then integrating” to become better equipped for the complex job it is required to do (Barrett, 2020, p. 19). I hear the echo in Daniel Siegel’s (2017) work that I highlighted in my previous post regarding integration being a process of differentiating and then linking. 

Barrett (2020) uses an analogy in her work describing the brain as a complex network of airports, with some airports being small and supporting local traffic, while other airports serve as international hubs with the capacity for large and diverse amounts of traffic and connections. If we consider the path of an airplane to be an impulse of communication along a neuron, impacted in various ways by neurotransmitters and neuromodulators as the weather and traffic control staff, we can imagine the far-reaching impacts of weather changes, re-routing, familiarity or novelty in a travel path, as well as some airplanes travel short distances only and some “reach far across the brain and act as long-distance connections” (Barrett, 2020, p. 34). 

A major hub for communication input and output is both immensely efficient as well as a potent spot of vulnerability, which is not a problem when this network is dynamic, adaptive, and continuously in flux (or under construction) in various ways (Barrett, 2020). When there is space, expectation and allowance for chaos, the rigidity of the structure is required to be more flexible and agile. Some changes happen fast, instantaneously, with the support of neurotransmitters and neuromodulators, while others are slow, by way of brain plasticity “and the flexibility of neurons with multiple jobs” (Barrett, 2020, p. 39). 

“Brain hubs, like airport hubs, make a complicated system efficient. They allow most neurons to participate globally even as they focus more locally. Hubs form the backbone of communication throughout the brain” (Barrett, 2020, p. 34).

What I am finding interesting and helpful in this metaphor is the depiction of the most complex network we know of - the human brain - and the clear inclusion of both rigidity (i.e. structure, neural networks/hubs) and chaos (i.e., constant change, adaptability). This also provides some solace for me while I am in this process of intentionally deconstructing multiple flight paths and hubs in my brain, and unless there is some structure to support the re-routed path, it will revert back to where there is structure and support available. With that visual of how change works, I find it easier to access patience, repetition and persistence. 

The framework is still under construction, and will be shared in my next blog post. In the meantime, I will pave the way there with a story of my recent experience in a hot-topic conversation related to oppression and “othering” and offer space for you to practice pieces of what will be included in framework along the way.

What Happened

This past weekend, I was in the kitchen puttering around getting ready to leave for the afternoon, and I heard my brother in another room ask my partner what he thought about the trans folks in sport conversation happening in the cultural lexicon right now. I felt my ears perk up, my temperature increase slightly, and I impulsively inserted myself into this conversation spouting off what I think about this balance between inclusion and fairness as I strolled into the room they were sitting in. The way I was responding (to this question that was not asked of me) had a lot of the “power over” energy, which I am hyper-aware of at this point based on the past several weeks of deconstructing this within myself. I was fired up. When my soap-box had a pause in it, my partner stepped in to share what he thought of the situation. I heard a narrowed-scope in his perspective that centered on the current status-quo of sports, that in my opinion, lacked empathy and compassion towards trans people in general. My temperature rose further, my eyes tightened and narrowed on my “prey”, and I jumped back in to “educate” him on how that common narrative he was perpetuating is harmful and not complex enough for this complex situation. My partner reminded me at that point that this was not a conversation that I had been invited into, and I became much more aware that my tactic to convince and educate was a perfect example of how not to engage in hot topics like this one.

My brother then turned towards me and asked my opinion on the topic. Feeling his calm curiosity I accessed mine with much more ease, as I said the ideal situation would be one that allowed a case by case discussion and openness to inclusion rather than a blanketed decision either way. I then said that perhaps the sport needs to evolve so that we can re-imagine what inclusion and fairness looks like. And in reflection afterwards I also recognized that this conversation was missing the important and necessary perspective of those intimately involved and impacted, and as bystanders expressing our personal opinions we were centering ourselves, once again, in an arena that requires a centering of those with the arrows pointed at them. 

I apologized for being so dominating and became curious about that encounter as a point of reflection for me to examine, practice and repeat how I could have engaged differently to create a conversation that could have gone deeper and actually led to more understanding. 

As I have shared in previous posts, my intention of discerning between “power over” and “right use of power” has led me to a few key reminders that I am in the process of reviewing and repeating so that I have access to them when I need them most. I recognize that in moments that I am triggered and my reaction has the energy of “power over” in it, I have a choice to slow down and access patience as I remember that “power over” signifies stuck energy. If I can be curious and elevate safety signals, I can open and trust the intelligence within and the space shifts into one that offers connection and healing. In my many years of consciously curating change within myself, I know that being aware enough to observe my impulsive reactions is vital, and then I must access a framework or step by step process that will help me make a new decision or respond in a way I have not responded before, and that’s when my habits truly start to change. In other words, I need a new route for this airplane to travel and maybe even a new hub for connections, and this requires some major deconstruction and construction. 

Safety Signals 

At the level of the nervous system, in order for connection to happen or to remain in connection, which is where change is possible, there must be a critical mass of safety signals present (Dana, 2021). Safety signals are being detected subconsciously through pathways that are constantly appraising the internal and external environment, including the space between or quality of relationships (Dana, 2021). As soon as the critical mass of signals lean towards danger (regardless of the objective validity of that appraisal) our nervous system is wired to narrow our perspective, seek safety and get away from danger, and enact thoughts and behaviors that have “worked” in the past, regardless of whether they are healthy or objectively productive (Dana, 2021). What tips someone towards a critical mass of danger signals is subjective, depending on their current tolerance and resilience, which fluctuates, as well as their past experience(s) (Dana, 2021). 

Let’s use my scenario from the weekend as another example. When I was in the kitchen and overheard a question being asked, I immediately shifted into a hyper-aroused state (teetering towards a critical mass of danger signals) that narrowed my perspective and brought me into a defensive stance that included the energy of “power over.” How do I know this? Although I was not fully conscious of this at the time, it is easy for me to reflect and see that I did not feel curious about what my partner’s response would be, instead I had a one-track mind that said I must insert my opinion here and ensure that this conversation is led by what I have to say. There is no space for a conversation with that mindset. Naturally, with my energy coming in hot like that, my partner was also put into a defensive stance, and very quickly I was ejected from the conversation.

A fascinating aspect of this phenomena is that depending on the current levels of safety and/or danger being detected, that will also influence the way the current moment, and the stimuli present, is being perceived (Dana, 2021). For example, as I was activated this week I noticed that I had a fairly constant sensation like I was an injured baby bird that required delicate handling. This led to me being more distant and protected, less vulnerable with those around me, and quick to judge others’ comments or actions as disingenuous or too difficult for me to engage with fully. This is not how I always feel, and it was obvious to me that my system was filtering stimuli through a lens that was looking for danger and was ready to engage in behaviors of defensiveness or disengagement.

When there are more danger signals than safety signals present, we tend to repeat the same thoughts we have in the past, shunt energy flow away from the more creative and explorative aspects of brain functioning, close ourselves from connecting with those around us, and engage in defensive and protective behaviors of thought and action (Dana, 2021). Inversely, when there is a critical mass of safety, our nervous system relaxes enough to be open to new information and connection, and most importantly, we access a state where healing can occur (Dana, 2021). 

So, with this in mind, how might I have engaged in this conversation about trans rights and the intersection with sport, fairness and inclusion differently? First, when I heard the question asked as I was in the next room, I could have paused to feel what was shifting inside of me (this elevates safety signals as we would not pause to feel if we were actually in danger), which would have allowed me to notice the stance of “power over” as it emerged. I could have paused with that sensation and met it with a warm welcoming as I breathed slowly, smoothly and rhythmically, with an intent to generate some regulatory energy (which increases safety signals). as a supportive rhythm internally). In this momentary centering of myself and my own nervous system, I then could have reminded myself of my intent to be curious, to seek understanding and connection rather than to convince anyone of my way. With that I could have expanded out to the centerless center (a Buddhist teaching) and the notion that the center is everywhere (as Tioakisin Ghosthorse (2021) shared) as I included others perspectives and experiences with, again, the intent to listen and understand (which is a form of Self-Compassion and more safety signals). The goal in these situations is to cultivate more understanding and model a way of showing up that invites others into connection and perspective shifting without force (which also impacts my ability to remain calm, connected and curious). People can change their minds, but it is not likely to happen or be sustainable if it is done with “power over”, and in any event, we are not deconstructing colonial consciousness and constructing a new way of being and relating if we use the same tactics that got us here (an echo of Audre Lorde’s (1984) declaration). 

As practice, let’s explore this a little further together to see what can transpire with this burgeoning awareness around the qualities to embody in the space between impulsive reaction and heart-centered response. 

Let’s talk about race

I have been exploring a considerable amount of research regarding the root cause and various manifestations of defensive reactions in race-related conversations within the white-bodied population. With understanding we can shift our language to carry more safety signals and invite others (and ourselves) to venture into a terrain that was previously too uncertain and fragile to intentionally step into. 

There are two main protective techniques that have surfaced in my research, which can be categorized as aversion or avoidance and dismissal or denial (Knowles et al., 2014; Menaken, 2021; Miller & Josephs, 2009; Norton & Sommers, 2011). Within these categories there are multiple ways these strategies can surface, including a mix of both. If you feel open or curious to do so, take a few moments with the energy of these defensive experiences. 

Aversion or Avoidance 

What arises for you as you consider what that protective strategy feels like or could look like? Could you perhaps close your eyes for a few moments, breathe mindfully, and ask yourself, what does aversion or avoidance feel like and look like in my body? Try it out. 

When I sit with aversion and avoidance, I feel the energy of looking away. I feel a tightening in my body, a pulling up and away from, or a turning my back towards what I am trying not to look at, trying to not let in to my field of vision. I feel a bit like my body is saying it doesn’t have room or capacity to take anything else in, or such discomfort with uncertainty that my body tightens up as if to not allow anything else to enter. 

How about Dismissal or Denial? 

What do you notice with the energy of these words? How are they similar and/or different from aversion and avoidance? Perhaps you could again close your eyes, breathe slowly, rhythmically, calmly, as you sit with how dismissal and denial shows up in your body?

For me, I feel my head want to shake ‘no’ as I pull away, like a shaking off of something that has reached out to me. Or a pushing away as I reach out and disconnect from whatever has touched me. There’s a similar sense of not having the space or capacity to take something on, or in, yet a bit more intensity or tightening as I am rejecting what seems to want to enter into my psyche or field. 

It is important to validate and welcome these impulsive protective reactions, because their intent is protection and they are operating on an old or outdated program that needs loving guidance to release what’s stuck and curate a new way (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). This warm welcoming towards our protective mechanisms begins to elevate safety signals. When we can be curious and welcoming to what we are experiencing internally, we create an environment where energy can continue moving and learning, and conscious choice becomes available. When we resist, vilify, or ignore what we are experiencing, we contribute to danger signals, the energy gets stuck and grows louder, and we remain in a nervous system state that requires protective mechanisms to continue driving our bus (Bronstein, et al., 2023; Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).

What brought me into a place of feeling unable to fully ground myself for a few days this week was the recognition of my protective strategy in race-related conversations, which until recently I had been blind to. On Thursday afternoon I attended an inspiring webinar with special guest Sulyn Bodnaresko. Bodnaresko (2024) presented her doctoral thesis which was the summation of three years of research with Indigenous populations on the topic of how to resist settler colonialism. Her research has not been published yet, so I am mindful to not share too much. However, one of the eight steps she outlined on this quest of resisting settler colonialism was the importance of recognizing if and when we have a move towards comfort or claiming innocence as a protective mechanism. I recognized this immediately as a form of aversion and dismissal, and something that my system deploys as protection. I have been aware of this impulsive reaction within me for a while, but would become blended with it quickly (which makes it difficult to observe it, connect with it, and support it to release what is keeping it stuck) and have felt shame and embarrassment around this part. Yet I also feel grateful to now have the words and understanding to be able to describe what I am feeling and remain with it long enough to continue learning about it, and support it to release and update how it shows up in my system. 

This is a part of me that is so strong that it tends to lead me towards dissociation and shutdown. When I feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed by the content I am reading or conversing about, this part of me creates some distance by conjuring a state of innocence and a push towards retreating and hiding in comfort. I have come to realize that this is the injured baby bird feeling that believes it is too fragile to continue on or to handle what is here now. I recognize it is an outdated belief, but I still feel it intensely and it still has the power to take over my system, which then leads to a polarization as other parts within me are ashamed and embarrassed that I would retreat into comfort and shelter myself in my perceived innocence.

Now, let’s be clear. I am not saying that I should always be doing more, and I am certainly not trying to label self-care, rest and relaxation as a negative or as if I (or others) are not worthy or deserving of such important aspects of well-being and longevity. In fact, as I felt myself in a tizzy this week I absolutely curated more space for rest, breath, and meditation, and I was mindful to be very compassionate and patient with myself as I observed myself move towards shut down and retreat into the cocoon of my own comfortable existence. Allowing that is what elevates safety signals and guides me back into regulation more efficiently. Seeing this pattern and holding space for it is what will change it. No force or self-flagellation needed. I can trust that my system will continue to re-organize towards further levels of complexity and inclusion, I just need to do the work of seeing myself more clearly and curate practices that move me towards a critical mass of safety so the intelligence within me can do its work as well. 

Feeling this injured baby bird energy within me got me thinking about white fragility in general. I visualized how many white-bodied people are born into this modern world with a blindfold that blocks the reality of race-related oppression and white supremacy culture. Meanwhile, those most negatively impacted by systemic racism and colonialism are not blindfolded to this reality, or rather, they do not have the privilege of being blindfolded in this way. I think the fragility white-bodied people experience comes from this unveiling of what we have been blind to, which exposes our senses to something that we have never spent time developing the ability to process and this creates extreme sensitivity and defensive mechanisms to make it stop. A mix of shock, grief, shame, desire to fix, and immense confusion regarding what to do all makes sense as this reality becomes more clear and we begin (hopefully) the long journey of re-organizing what we had previously thought to be true. 

I often remind myself that without the proper resources and support, my system wisely refuses what could otherwise be really important for it to take in and integrate. We need to feel the space available for new information, we need to feel safe to be vulnerable, to feel discomfort, and open ourselves to a new way of being. Sustainable change does not happen with force, it needs to be collaborative and welcoming. These wise defensive mechanisms work together in creative ways to skirt around the discomfort and protect the underlying wound and the pain of which has not been resourced well enough (yet) to be guided into healing and integration (Bronstein, et al., 2023; Menakem, 2021; Miller & Josephs, 2009; Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). 

If you feel open to another experiment, what happens inside of you when you read the words ‘white privilege’? Can you sit with that for a few moments, invite the concept into your mind and body, perhaps close your eyes and be mindful to continue breathing in a rhythm that supports presence and grounding.  

What’s your reaction to this? Perhaps you recall charged times in the past that you have engaged in this topic of conversation? Perhaps you have a strong stance on this and feel passionate about your experience and perspective? Perhaps you feel some layers; maybe discomfort, some anger, some distraction, some confusion, some shame? Perhaps you notice some of the ‘look away’ energy of aversion or avoidance? Is there push or shake it off energy of dismissal or denial? Perhaps a claim of innocence and a desire to retreat to comfort? Or does the concept flow in with acceptance and curiosity? Maybe it gets stuck or tangled somewhere due to its complex nature? Perhaps distraction or dissociation begins to take over?

Before we move on, if you have the ability to do so, bring your attention to your feet. If they are touching the ground, notice that and maybe push down for a moment and then release. 

Feel your breath, slow, low belly and low ribs expand on the inhale, and everything relaxes on the exhale. Maybe a hum or a sigh on your next exhale. 

You could also take a moment to look around your space, or close your eyes and imagine a scene that feels nurturing and welcoming, looking for details like shapes, colors, shadows. 

Feel your breath and allow your attention to expand with your inhale, and relax with your exhale. Perhaps you can invite in some compassion, patience, curiosity or any other quality that you sense would be supportive for you right now. 

If you feel you have reached your capacity for this conversation today, then choose compassion and honor the wisdom of your body and step away whole-heartedly. Come back when you feel your energy reserves have elevated and you are ready to continue on. Otherwise, let’s explore white privilege a little more. 

There are some common misconceptions about white privilege within the white-bodied community. They are common because we have been blind to them, and they are reinforced by the way our culture keeps us in an activated state, which keeps us prone to feel defensive and unable to take in new or complex ideas. This conversation, and topics of racism, colonialism, and white supremacy culture in general, requires a lot of patience, space to pause and regulate, and patience as we hold space for ourselves and others at different points on this journey of deconstructing, understanding and re-organizing. Here are a few things to consider:

White privilege does not mean white-bodied people inherently have an easier life or that they didn’t have to work hard (and continue to work hard) for the life they have. As Emmanuel Acho (2021) poignantly explains, acknowledging white privilege is simply “saying your skin color hasn’t contributed to the difficulty in your life” (p. 33). Understanding the impacts of any ism, as a person who is not categorized within that particular ism, requires stepping out of one’s own experience to listen, learn and imagine what it might feel like to be in a body that is objectified as that ism. 

This is such an important part of the conversation of white privilege. When white privilege comes up, many white folks express feeling unseen or invalidated in their own struggles (Miller & Josephs, 2009). When our nervous system is activated in defense, our thinking and perspective naturally narrows, and this makes it hard to see outside our own experience. It keeps us in a dualistic way of thinking, a form of separation. When we talk about the pain and systemic disadvantage imposed on racialized folks, that does not mean that anyone else’s pain is seen as less painful or less meaningful. There is space for all of our pain. What is being asked of us is to allow others to be centered occasionally in the cultural lexicon so we can hold space for those who are not receiving an equitable amount of consideration and understanding. In order for these conversations to amplify all-ship and deconstruct colonialism, it is vital that these conversations are framed so as to not threaten one’s concept of deservedness, and this requires we do not equate the reality of white privilege with personal merit (Knowles et al., 2014). Again, the wise words of Emmanuel Acho (2021): 

“What I’m saying is that a white person’s skin color isn’t the thing contributing to holding them back, and that for all black people, their skin color contributes to what’s hard about their lives no matter what other privileges they might enjoy” (p. 37). 

Knowing this is one thing, creating and holding a safe space for these conversations and welcoming the momentary defensive triggers as they naturally deploy is a skill that we need to practice. As I have mentioned previously, when I feel the defensive stance of “power over” in someone else or instability in my own system, my impulsive reaction is to also engage in “power over”. This is a difficult habit to change, and one that requires consistent presence and practice, as I feel that reaction and choose to pause, breathe, turn towards what feels upset in my system, and remind myself I have a choice here that can lead to deeper connection and understanding. 

We need to cultivate the ability to feel our own difficult feelings, as well as allow others the space for their difficult feelings to arise, and remain present to feel and be with these parts of us floundering in discomfort rather than avoid them or seek quick resolution by projecting onto others (Knowles et al., 2014; Menakem, 2021; Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).

We covered a lot this week. Pause, breathe and feel what is arising for you. What if you allowed it, welcomed it, and breathed with it for a few moments? Notice what happens. 

References

Acho, E. (2021). Uncomfortable conversations with a black man. Flatiron Books. 

Barrett, L. F. (2020). Seven and a half lessons about the brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

Bodnaresko, S. (March, 2024). Reciprocal citizenship: How one settler is learning to give thanks for the gift of living on these lands. The Newcomer Knowledge Hub

Bronstein, E., Henriques, A., Hull, T., & Rothman, A. (Hosts). (2023, October 29). Exiles and the healing process with Einat Bronstein [Audio podcast episode]. IFS talks: An internal family systems therapy podcast. Apple Podcast. 

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/exiles-and-the-healing-process-with-einat-bronstei

n/id1481000501?i=1000633021353

Dana, D. (2021). Anchored: How to befriend your nervous system using polyvagal theory. Sounds True. 

Eichler, M., & Burke, M. A. (2006). The Bias Free Framework. Canadian Journal of Public Health, 97(1), 63–68. https://doi.org/10.1007/bf03405218

Ghosthorse, T. (2021). Deprogramming the colonial mind: Re-languaging regeneration. Restorative Practices. https://restorativepractices.com/product/re-languaging/

Knowles, E. D., Lowery, B. S., Chow, R. M., & Unzueta, M. M. (2014). Deny, distance, or dismantle? How white Americans manage a privileged identity. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 9(6), 594–609. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691614554658

Lorde, A. (1984). Age, Race, Class and Sex: Women Redefining Difference. Sister Outsider Crossing Press, 1–7. https://www.colorado.edu/odece/sites/default/files/attached-files/rba09-sb4converted_8.pdf

Menakem, R. (2021). My grandmother’s hands: Racialized trauma and the pathway to mending our hearts and bodies. Penguin Books. 

Miller, A. E., & Josephs, L. (2009). Whiteness as pathological narcissism. Contemporary Psychoanalysis, 45(1), 93–119. https://doi.org/10.1080/00107530.2009.10745989

Norton, M. I., & Sommers, S. R. (2011). Whites see racism as a zero-sum game that they are 

now losing. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 6(3), 215–218. 

https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691611406922

Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal family systems therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford 

Press.

Siegel, D. J. (2017). Mind: A journey to the heart of being human. W.W. Norton & Company. 

Story-telling with Symbols - Week 11 of my practicum

Above is the recorded version of the blog post below, which includes a couple of guided experiences that are not included in the write-up. Enjoy.

A good place for us to start is to create a clear understanding of the context of this project and some insight into why we start here with the spiral. 

This project began with inspiration from the work of Resmaa Menakem (2021) who opened my mind to the possibility that racism and the legacy of colonialism resides in the bodymind like a virus. Rather than pointing outwards to solve these systemic issues, I wanted to explore and experiment with what it looks like to turn inwards and begin the deconstruction of colonization from the inside out. 

As we move through this presentation together, and I share about my experience doing this work, let’s be in the practice of noticing our reactions or impulse to defend, blame, or point our finger outwards, and instead, remind ourselves to turn that finger back in and spiral inwards to be with what is arising, as the first step (not only step!) needs to be taking responsibility for the change we desire from the inside out.

Symbols

In the book Decolonizing Trauma Work (2016), Renee Linklater refers to the work of Couture (2005) who says “traditional learning modalities eventually bring one to think intuitively, to think with the heart, to think Circles, to understand and utilize dream, metaphor, and symbol” (p. 13).

Throughout this journey I had a few potent symbols arise for me that became both intriguing features for reflection and exploration, as well as anchors at times that I felt lost or destabilized. As a practice of bridging Indigenous methodologies with Western academia, I have chosen to outline this presentation as a story told through symbols. I will share parts of my process as I approached my own psyche to begin deconstructing colonial consciousness by re-centering my heart, and how that led me to discern the significance between of discerning between "power over" and "right use of power".

Land Acknowledgement

As a heterosexual, able-bodied, neurodivergent, cisgender female, and fourth generation Canadian with English and Irish heritage, I am aware that I am a settler on this land I call home in Calgary Alberta, and, in many ways I have unjustly benefited from the devastation and harm of colonization. While I am in the process of deconstructing colonial consciousness within myself, I have come to see colonial history as causing a legacy of separation from the Earth, which is reflected as a separation from self. And from that heightened awareness I have a deeper reverence and understanding of the medicine that is the land beneath me, around me, and within me. 

I am grateful to feel peace and connection on this traditional land of the Blackfoot confederacy, the Metis Nation Districts 5 and 6, and the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta. Which consists of Siksika, Kainai, Piikani, the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, including Chiniki, Bearspaw, and Goodstoney First Nation.

Take a moment to feel and reflect on the land you call home and the areas you feel connected with, or would like to foster a connection with.

Ouroboros

The snake eating its tail (also known as the Ouroboros (Geller, 2018) provides a bit more context for the beginning phase of my project. 

To deconstruct colonial consciousness, one must be prepared for, and develop trust in, renewal or death and rebirth. A continual letting go of what was and a welcoming of what is here now. 

Referring to the work of Micheal Naas, Drichel (2013) denotes that deconstruction is always referring to the self or autos, and as such, he goes on to say, 

“deconstruction cannot but rekindle latent memories of a prior traumatized state—a colonial shattering of identity, or a wound inscribed at the heart of an identity no longer coinciding with itself—the recurrence of which is being anxiously defended against…(which manifests as) unresolved trauma and lingering vulnerability: a vulnerability that, rather than being “radically accepted,” is being defended against at all cost” (p. 49).

Additionally, this symbol reminds me that we are multifaceted and multidimensional beings and we attract and reflect what is already within us. As we develop the skill of observing ourselves intently in the process of deconstructing, de-centering and re-centering, this symbol came to symbolize the importance of welcoming and holding space for the occasional vortex of confusion I would find myself in. 

Lastly, this symbol also captures the ongoing process of colonization being something that is continually recreated, and until that cycle can be seen, understood and disrupted, it will continue.

Professional/Personal Orientation

It is vital that we practice shifting our perspective from the individual, or micro, to the collective of the mezzo and macro. Just as a wave is in motion, it rises and rests, in a continuous pulse like the breath. 

Colonization ravaged the world as settlers arrived in spaces inhabited by Indigenous peoples, to then meticulously and violently separate them from their land, their spiritual rituals and traditions, and often pitted against each other as the fight for power, privilege and freedom served to divide and conquer (Menakem, 2021). The legacy of supremacy lives within us and is sustained through our systems, our language (Ghosthorse, 2021), and our continued indoctrination of separation and othering in white supremacy culture (Okun, 2023). From the lens of my personal and professional orientation, I recognize the need to balance micro and macro as “social problems require complex and sustained intervention at all levels of social work practice” (Rothman & Mizrahi, 2014, p. 91). 

Expressing the sentiment of Paulo Friere in The Pedagogy of the Oppressed, Audre Lorde (1984) emphasizes that, 

“the true focus of revolutionary change is never merely the oppressive situations which we seek to escape, but that piece of the oppressor which is planted deep within each of us, and which knows only the oppressors' tactics, the oppressors' relationships” (p. 6). 

Resmaa Menakem (2021) expands on this by stating that individual work is vital as healing from intergenerational and present day acts of violence and domination must begin with your body. He continues, 

“​But it does not end there. In order to heal the collective body that is America, we also need social activism that is body centered. We cannot individualize our way out of white-body supremacy. Nor can we merely strategize our way out. We need collective action — action that heals.”

Researcher and Educator, Kimberly Todd (2019) writes,

“Decolonizing needs to begin first internally in the mind, the body and the spirit and then move outward to transform existing colonial structures” (p. 164).

Activist and Buddhist Minister Lama Rod Owens (2023) writes,

“...there is no collective liberation without individual liberation. Understanding freedom for oneself makes it possible to understand and engage in liberatory work for the collective” (p. 55).

Case Description

As for my own individual liberation, one of the parts of my psyche I was curious to explore and get to know more in this project appeared to me as a “black hole.” Coinciding with the black hole was an intense internal flail, as if a part of me was free-falling in that black hole, which would leave me in a place of feeling overwhelmed and ungrounded. 

My theory was that this “black hole” and the "inner flailer" (as I had come to call her) was the legacy of the wound Drichel (2013) refers to as “a colonial shattering of identity, or a wound inscribed at the heart of an identity no longer coinciding with itself" p. 40.

Drichel (2013) continues to describe how the recurrence of this violent separation is "being anxiously defended against…(which manifests as) unresolved trauma and lingering vulnerability: a vulnerability that, rather than being “radically accepted,” is being defended against at all costs.” (p. 49)

I could sense this lingering vulnerability, and this immense sense of separation, but I was not clear on how the anxious defense was showing up in my system - other than the strong impulse to be distracted when I tried to move inwards to be with this constellation of parts on my own. 

During Week 7 of practicum I had the support I needed for this inner journey with a craniosacral session and conscious breathwork session. My main intention was to explore “power over” versus “right use of power”. 

I detailed these experiences in depth in my week 7 blog, so here I will simply point out some highlights and what has become more clear in my integration process. 

The infinity loop surfaced early in my first experience on that fruitful day of receiving support. I saw it as a continuity between present and past. Rather than time being linear, I felt and saw how updates in presence can reframe and influence the past, and when we reframe the past that can change the way we show up in the present. 

As I welcomed and held space for the black hole, it shapeshifted into a fluid, sticky-web or tar like substance that the flailer was stuck in. It dawned on me that this part that flails was not lost and falling in a black hole, but was being held down and trapped with “power over” energy as a protective mechanism, by this black goo. I realized that when I felt the similar energy of separation, I would quickly sense that flail and the "power over" energy trying to contain and protect me from feeling this, and I would then react by wielding power over as a reflection of what is happening internally. 

As I felt awe and understanding of this reactive loop, I sat curiously with this protective webby-tar with the question of what else it might want to do in my system if it didn’t have to protect me from feeling this flail or wound of separation, and I sensed it shapeshift again into an intelligent matrix of interconnection.  

In my breathwork session I had a visual of a strong and violent hand thumping down on my heart like a loud drum beat or the violent yet life-saving act of CPR. I recognized the beauty and intention of care and support in this resuscitation, yet was drawn to the energy of "power over" in such acts. To me this represents moments in time that we learn to engage in “power over” tactics to fix, to heal, to save lives, to rescue, and because it works or it worked once, it also perpetuates violence. 

Through exploration of the space where disconnection happens, I landed on key qualities and reminders to practice leading from the heart rather than implementing “power over” or reacting to “power over” with “power over.”  

- patience and choice 

- See “power over” as stuck energy

- trust in the intelligence that is here, that we are, that the earth is. In moments where I sense “power over” energy in someone else, or the discomfort inside myself that had been historically met with “power over” to fix, avoid, or inoculate what felt unstable, instead I can now invite in the re-membering to open up to the higher intelligence that is within me, within others, in the space between, and I can collaborate there, rather than charge forward as if I have to do it on my own.

- Lastly, I named this as a healing space

Upon further reflection and inner work, I have come to realize that this little one who flails was holding a core belief that she is alone and it is not safe to trust anyone. The paradox that struck me and led to an important shift was the recognition that the intelligent shapeshifting matrix of interconnection is the exact medicine or antidote to this belief of separation, loneliness and lack of trust. 

When this intelligent goo was restraining this flailer with "power-over" energy rather than supporting her as interconnection, my system was continually re-creating the original wound, perpetually returning to what was stuck in the past.

Drichel (2013) surmised that,

"...in attempting to protect itself, the organism infects itself over and over again with the memory of the outside force that threatened and continues to threaten it in order to incorporate that threat into the organism, to bring it to conscious recollection in order that it may no longer threaten. This repetitive seeing therefore acts as an immunization, attempting to provide resistance and defence against any repeat attack" (p. 50).

The problem is, when this defense against the defense is not resolved, the threat we seek to inoculate is on the inside and we have built up so much protection that we now become ill from the inside out; akin to an autoimmune disease (Drichel, 2013). 

As I continue to practice re-centering my heart and de-centering power-over, the flail quiets and dissipates as this little one is nourished and supported rather than restrained.

Social Work Action

What has become more clear to me throughout this process is reflected in the words of Audre Lorde (1984) who says, “The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” One of the master’s tools is “power over” and I am confident that my experience has helped me understand the danger and harm of utilizing “power over” in the name of helping. Lakota scholar and teacher Tiokasin Ghosthorse (2021) details the importance of perceiving the English language as one of domination, possession, separation and containment, and, he says, we cannot liberate ourselves or wake ourselves up with the same language that put us asleep or boxed us in. Ghosthorse (2021) also makes reference to Einstein's infamous quote that similarly cautions, “we can’t solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” This has brought me to a place of being mindful and attentive to the words I choose, and the importance of re-centering my heart as I de-centralize “power over”. 

Tiokasin (2021) shares a lesson he learned from his mother, that the thinking mind, which thinks it is THE Intelligence, is actually a seed of the heart. In Lakota, this means we think from our heart, and our brain’s are a tool of the heart. Our intellectualism comes from the thinking mind, but our intelligence is from the heart. While much of the English language is continuously distancing us from this intelligence, it is our work to slow down, be mindful of the energy within the words we choose to use, and come back to leading from our heart (Ghosthorse, 2021). 

Final Reflection/Readiness for Practice

As I integrate my learnings and experience from this project, I am more clear in my direction and desire to align with a social work model of practice that is both transformative (Braidotti, 2019) and eclectic with interdisciplinary relational accountability and equity as core features (Hanrahan, 2011). This must include a critical framework that encourages the ongoing deconstruction of ‘power-over’ (internally and externally) by way of tangible practices that are focused on re-centering the heart. As a transformational social worker, I must embody a holistic approach and align with ontologies of relationality and interconnectedness (Besthorn, 2003) and collaborate and co-conspire with other visionary and creative practitioners (Baldwin & Dylan, 2018).

Additionally, I feel called to heed the suggestion of Resmaa Menakem (2021) and create safe space for white-bodied people to come together to build a culture around reckoning with generations of trauma that has led to the perpetuation of internalized and systemic racism, as well as building capacity and antifragility around racialized topics of conversation. These will not be spaces of exclusion, and all are welcome to be a part of this journey and experience. 

System’s change requires individual work in dismantling implicit bias and updating mental models, participation in healthy relationships and seeing/questioning power dynamics, and a broader scope and experience to deconstruct and reconstruct (from the heart) our policies, practices and resources (Kania et al, 2018).

May we remember to recognize the interconnection between intrapersonal and interpersonal, and come to see that how we interact with ourselves and the world around us has the potential to change the entire Universe (Wilson, 2019).

References

Baldwin, C. & Dylan, B. (2018). Critical social work: Past, present and future. Canadian Social Work, 20(1), 7–14.

Bhambra, G. K. (2014). Postcolonial and decolonial dialogues. Postcolonial Studies, 17(2), 115–121. https://doi.org/10.1080/13688790.2014.966414 

Boetto, H. (2017). A transformative eco-social model: Challenging modernist assumptions in social work. British Journal of Social Work, 47(1), 48–67.

Braidotti, R. (2019). A theoretical framework for the critical posthumanities. Theory, Culture and Society, 36(6), 31–61.

Ellis, C., Adams, T. E., & Bochner, A. P. (2011). Autoethnography: An overview. Historical Social Research, 36(4), 273-290. https://doi.org/10.12759/hsr.36.2011.4.273-290

Geller, P. (2018, September 30). Ouroboros - description, uses and Interpretations. Mythology.net. https://mythology.net/others/concepts/ouroboros/ 

Ghosthorse, T. (2021). Deprogramming the colonial mind: Re-languaging regeneration. Restorative Practices. https://restorativepractices.com/product/re-languaging/

Hanrahan, C. (2011). Challenging anthropocentrism in social work through ethics and spirituality: Lessons from studies in human and animal bonds. Journal of Religion and Spirituality in Social Work, 30(3), 272–293.

Kania, J., Kramer, M., & Senge, P. (2018, June). The Water of Systems Change. FSG: Reimagining Social Change. 

Linklater, R. (2016). Decolonizing trauma work: Indigenous stories and Strategies. Langara College. 

Lorde, A. (1984). Age, Race, Class and Sex: Women Redefining Difference. Sister Outsider Crossing Press, 1–7. https://www.colorado.edu/odece/sites/default/files/attached-files/rba09-sb4converted_8.pdf 

Menakem, R. (2021). My grandmother’s hands: Racialized trauma and the pathway to mending 

our hearts and bodies. Penguin Books. 

Okun, T. (2023). White Supremacy Culture. WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE. https://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/ 

Todd, K. L. (2019). Shedding of the colonial skin: The decolonial potentialities of dreaming. Decolonizing the Spirit in Education and Beyond, 17(28), 153–175. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-25320-2_11 

Why this matters - Week 10 of my practicum

I am feeling a reverence for this practicum journey. I am grateful for the opportunity to research, explore and create on such an important and fascinating topic. And I am excited to feel into how this chapter wants to close, leading the way for what wants to happen next. I am in a place of sitting with how to organize my experience in these last few blog posts, a reflective presentation summary for a supervisor, a final presentation to a live audience, and an experiential workshop I will be facilitating regarding this process (on March 23 at YogaMCC). What have I learned? What does completion look like at this point? What is the story I intend to tell? 

As part of my integration and organization process, I have landed on what these next three weeks may look like in terms of content creation. First, I feel called to explore my ability to articulate, again, why this all matters, both as a reflective exercise as well as to increase my calm confidence in conversations with folks who have strong opinions one way or another, or are new to the process of digesting and metabolizing this content. I also want to include some experiential education regarding what I have learned and how that informs the direction my gaze and energy is flowing towards, which will be the topic for next week’s blog. Lastly, I am drawn towards utilizing symbols to organize the headlines for my autoethnography, and will begin with that process two weeks from now as I explore creative ways to present this as a final project. 

One of my favorite integrative reminders comes from the work of Daniel Siegal (2017), a researcher, author and psychiatrist that focuses on mental health and attachment in the developing and “developed” brain. He teaches the importance of differentiation before the work of integration. Integration, Siegal (2017) says, “is more like a fruit salad than a smoothie" (p. 87). I have found this visual to be potent in my various integrative processes, as this denotes the goal to see and know the parts and pieces involved, explore the relationships and space between things, and then mindfully link or come back to wholeness without blending or losing the boundaries or uniqueness of each part being included. For Siegal (2017), the process of integration is one that optimizes well-being and healing, as harmony emerges between the extremes of chaos and rigidity. 

As I have learned more about cultural humility and competency, there are striking similarities as integration or collective wellness is a process of differentiating between groups and individuals, recognizing similarities, and bridging those differences in the name of connection and human-ness (Intercultural Development Continuum, 2024). As Audre Lorde (1984), writer and renowned activist states in her paper Age, Race, Class and Sex: Women Redefining Difference:

“Too often, we pour the energy needed for recognizing and exploring difference into pretending those differences are insurmountable barriers, or that they do not exist at all. This results in a voluntary isolation, or false and treacherous connections. Either way, we do not develop tools for using human difference as a springboard for creative change within our lives. We speak not of human difference, but of human deviance” (p. 2).

As I circle back to the focus of this blog post - why this matters - I hope you already feel the importance of this content. The points I explore below are not exhaustive, in fact, there are many more reasons why this work matters. The reasons that stand out to me and that I share come from my positionality and perspective in what brought me into this work and what keeps me motivated to continue on despite the moments of a bit too much chaos or stagnancy (Siegal, 2017). I hope that part of my work here is what inspires you to keep learning, reading, and listening to folks who are in “other” groups, as the more we open ourselves to others’ perspectives, the closer we get to the truth.

Why This Matters

1. This project began from the seed of curiosity regarding how to better engage in conversations related to systemic racism with folks who appear resistant, defensive, or exhibiting some version of denial. The topic of race and race-related issues can feel like a field of landmines, and nothing about that analogy invokes a sense of safety. Once our nervous system is activated, hypervigilance and over-thinking keeps us in an activated state, and a multitude of mental and physical illnesses and struggles are likely to manifest or worsen (Levine, 1976). When we remain in this head-driven way of being, disconnected from the wisdom that is within us, it is easier to go along with the Western culture’s status quo that  asserts qualities of individualism, competition, and dualism as necessities for “success” (Okun, 2023). This incessant “othering” leads to a stance of inherent superiority that manifests as “the right to dominance” (Lorde, 1984, p. 2). 

   These are attributes of a culture that continues to operate within the confines of colonial thinking, and we will all benefit in various ways by deconstructing these tenets systemically and internally so we can unite as a collective, and optimize our individual health and well being. We must learn how to feel again, how to remain in discomfort long enough to release and transform what is stuck in our psyches. This is a journey that brings us back into our bodies, back into a heart-led way of being. 

   Topic aside, learning how to engage in difficult conversations of any kind is a valuable and transferable skill set. 

2. According to Miller and Josephs (2003), one of the challenges “in analyzing white identity is that the issue cannot easily be raised without putting the white person on the defensive and arousing considerable persecutory anxiety and counter-hostility” (p. 103). What this tells me is that there are important and powerful feelings being triggered in these conversations, (in Internal Family Systems language) “trail-heads” (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020) that lead to the underlying pain and wounding. From this perspective, these conversations are potent opportunities for cultivating wellness for ourselves, each other, and our planet. 

   Moving in to be with the feelings that arise during race-based conversations is not meant to be a form of penance or self-flagellation (Menakem, 2021; Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). When we are under-resourced in our ability to understand how to ‘be with’ and stay present and connected while experiencing intense emotions, avoidance and denial feel like a saving grace (Miller & Josephs, 2009). 

   When someone feels “under attack” (or in other words, a critical mass of danger signals) it is common to engage in erroneous ‘othering’ and lean hard into dichotomous categories that further feed a sense of separation (Wong, 2018). The label white privilege has intense emotional substrates attached to it, as those who accept this label of privilege often feel shame or guilt, while those who deny this label tend to experience feelings of anger or indignation (Dobbs & Nicholson, 2022). Deny or accept, these emotional substrates are intense and it makes sense that without understanding or support in how to be with and process these emotions, there is a tendency to project blame, defend our identity we perceive as being under attack or completely shut down and avoid due to the sheer overwhelm of it all (Wong, 2018). Without a critical mass of safety signals, there is no hope for the important process of deconstructing and critically examining ‘whiteness’ (Lawrence & Bunche, 1996). 

3. While there are many white-bodied people who fully acknowledge white privilege (Dobbs & Nicholson, 2022), this does not equate to a productive conversation or understanding of what to do with this knowledge (Miller & Josephs, 2009). And of the nearly half of the white-bodied population who expresses some or full denial of white privilege, this is correlated with a higher likelihood of furthering discriminatory systemic behavior by way of preserving the normalcy of microaggressions and implicit/explicit bias and attitudes that “oppose affirmative action, social welfare spending, and liberal immigration policy” (Dobbs & Nicholson, 2022, p. 14).

   This also sheds light on a common sentiment conveyed by white folks who say that we (as a collective) have transcended race (Miller & Josephs, 2009), often coupled with the proclamation of an ideal quintessential ‘color blindness’ (Lawrence & Bunche, 1996). Not understanding that racism is built into our society leaves many white-bodied folks blind to the continuation of daily microaggressions (Miller & Josephs, 2009), and therefore, unable to be effective allies. Miller & Josephs (2009) suggest that growing up with the white supremacist cultural tenets of a “competitive, individualistic, materialistic, and status-conscious society” has intensified the “traumatic social mortifications” we experience in our youth and this unconsciously sets us up to be ill-equipped to recognize the impacts of white-ness (p. 96). 

   For white-bodied folks, doing the work to first acknowledge that white privilege exists is a vital step in reducing discriminatory behavior, but we need to go deeper in order to change our default thinking and reactions towards a more inclusive, equitable and heart-centered way of being. 

4. Immense skill is required to honor differences while recognizing commonality (Agate & Finney, 2023). Strategic essentialism is a philosophy that attempts to support this vital aspect of integration (Mounk, 2023). It says that for the sake of agreeableness, we must use definitions and categories, yet we must also hold onto the equal truth that they are social constructions (Mounk, 2023). A common argument in opposition to race-based conversations is that to acknowledge race as a social construction and then use it as the sole or primary prism to examine any phenomena (i.e., white privilege) perpetuates a dangerous contradiction (Mounk, 2023). White privilege is not the only form of privilege or supremacy that is wielded and the cause of harm and imbalance in power. 

   This is an area of the conversation that requires we revisit nondualism, and its merits in conceptualizing the complex reality of multiple truths simultaneously. Privilege takes many forms (Liu, 2017), and shapeshifts based on context and intersectionality (Crenshaw, 2018). As a form of power, it also influences whether someone feels able to engage in various forms of ally-ship (Case et al., 2020). 

   While I agree that we must be mindful to not simplify or monolithically reside in the prism of white privilege or white supremacy culture at the center as the only problem (Mounk, 2023), it is vital that we do not use this as reasoning to side-step race-based conversations altogether. I propose that white privilege and white supremacy culture are important for us to understand, deconstruct, and critically examine so that we can engage in race-based conversations without the fragility of unprocessed wounds needing fierce protection (Miller & Josephs, 2009; Menakem, 2021). And, an equal truth is that we need to recognize the root of white supremacy culture and the resultant white privilege that connects us all as we share a similar wound from “...a colonial shattering of identity, or a wound inscribed at the heart of an identity no longer coinciding with itself—the recurrence of which is being anxiously defended against” (Drichel, 2013). 

5. “Colonization has sought to sever bodies from land, history, ancestries, languages and spiritualities. It has sought to take the myriad ways in which people commune, connect and participate in the world and to dismember them” (Todd, 2019, p. 160).

   Part of this work is recognizing that the intergenerational wounds and ongoing process of colonization “continually recreates itself” (Todd, 2019, p. 160), and affects us all. Tiokasin Ghosthorse (2021) refers to this as the box that we are held within. This box is held together through authoritative thinking, or “power over '' that constrains and controls with time, and the linear thinking of one beginning and ending (Ghosthorse, 2021). This is symptomatic of dualistic thinking, i.e., a superior and inferior, us versus them or “othering”, and prioritizing newtonian cause and effect, all of which use violence and erasure to dissuade and invalidate “other ways of knowing and being in the world” that are outside the EuroWestern standard of accepted science (Todd, 2019, p. 160).

   Both Todd (2019) and Okun (2023) would add to this colonial box as being held together by the economy’s obsession with wealth, hustle, and seduction for more. Scholar and activist Jack Forbes refers to this insatiable desire for more as a cannibalistic ego or Wetiko disease (Luna-Firebaugh, 2010). In his book Columbus and Other Cannibals: The Wetiko Disease of Exploitation, Imperialism and Terrorism (2008), Forbes implores we come back to our interconnectedness and give to the world rather than remaining in a state of wetiko that devours, dominates, and extracts (Luna-Firebaugh, 2010).

6. Lastly, anyone who is interested in personal growth and being of help and service to others will benefit from the pulse of perspective that includes micro to macro level thinking. We are complex beings that are inherently relational (Wilson, 2019), which aligns with the notion that sustainable change doesn’t happen in a silo. Who we are, how we relate, and how we show up in each moment is inseparable from the systems we are a part of (Kania et al, 2018). 

   Expressing the sentiment of Paulo Friere in The Pedagogy of the Oppressed, Audre Lorde (1984) emphasizes that “the true focus of revolutionary change is never merely the oppressive situations which we seek to escape, but that piece of the oppressor which is planted deep within each of us, and which knows only the oppressors' tactics, the oppressors' relationships” (p. 6). 

   Resmaa Menakem (2021) expands on this by stating that individual work is vital as healing from intergenerational and present day acts of violence and domination must begin with your body. He continues, “​But it does not end there. In order to heal the collective body that is America, we also need social activism that is body centered. We cannot individualize our way out of white-body supremacy. Nor can we merely strategize our way out. We need collective action — action that heals.”

I suggest that what we need is more support in these conversations, more people who feel resourced and capable to sit in discomfort, and alignment in our collective goal of harmonious relationships that lead to the deconstruction of systemic racism within ourselves and the environments we live within. While I have shared my own ongoing journey of deconstruction of colonial consciousness, I am clear about what is required of me next. System’s change requires individual work in dismantling implicit bias and updating mental models, participation in healthy relationships and seeing/questioning power dynamics, and a broader scope and experience to deconstruct and reconstruct policies, practices and resources (Kania et al, 2018).  

References:

Agate, J., & Finney, F. (2023). Intercultural development continuum (IDC). Intent, impact, and 

intercultural competence: How to successfully navigate difference (Online Course). Retrieved January 5, 2023, from https://courses.ifs-institute.com/. 

Case, K. A., Rios, D., Lucas, A., Braun, K., & Enriquez, C. (2020). Intersectional patterns of prejudice confrontation by White, heterosexual, and cisgender allies. Journal of Social Issues, 76(4), 899–920. https://doi.org/10.1111/josi.12408

Crenshaw, K. (2018). “She coined the term ‘intersectionality’ over 30 years ago. Here’s what it means today. Time Magazine. time.com/5786710/kimberle-crenshaw-intersectionality/.

Dobbs, R., & Nicholson, S. P. (2022). Inverting the Lens: White Privilege Denial in Evaluations of Politicians and Policy. Perspectives on Politics, 1–19. https://doi.org/10.1017/S1537592721004102

Ghosthorse, T. (2021). Deprogramming the colonial mind: Re-languaging regeneration. Restorative Practices. https://restorativepractices.com/product/re-languaging/

Intercultural Development Continuum. Intercultural Development Inventory. (2024). https://www.idiinventory.com/idc 

Kania, J., Kramer, M., & Senge, P. (2018, June). The Water of Systems Change. FSG: Reimagining Social Change. 

Lawrence, S. M., & Bunche, T. (1996). Feeling and dealing: Teaching white students about racial privilege. Teaching and Teacher Education, 12(5), 531–542. https://doi.org/10.1016/0742-051x(95)00054-n 

Levine, P. A. (1976). (dissertation). Accumulated stress, reserve capacity, and disease.

Liu, W. M. (2017). White male power and privilege: The relationship between white supremacy and social class. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 64(4), 349–358. https://doi.org/10.1037/cou0000227

Lorde, A. (1984). Age, Race, Class and Sex: Women Redefining Difference. Sister Outsider Crossing Press, 1–7. https://www.colorado.edu/odece/sites/default/files/attached-files/rba09-sb4converted_8.pdf 

Luna-Firebaugh, E. M. (2010). Jack D. Forbes. Columbus and Other Cannibals: The Wetiko Disease of Exploitation, Imperialism and Terrorism. The American Indian Quarterly, 34(1), 120+. https://link.gale.com/apps/doc/A219578878/AONE?u=googlescholar&sid=bookmark-AONE&xid=a08f8434

Menakem, R. (2021). My grandmother’s hands: Racialized trauma and the pathway to mending 

our hearts and bodies. Penguin Books. 

Miller, A. E., & Josephs, L. (2009). Whiteness as pathological narcissism. Contemporary Psychoanalysis, 45(1), 93–119. https://doi.org/10.1080/00107530.2009.10745989

Mounk, Y. (2023). The identity trap: A story of ideas and power in our time. Penguin Books

Okun, T. (2023). White Supremacy Culture. WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE. https://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/

Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal family systems therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.

Siegel, D. J. (2017). Mind: A journey to the heart of being human. W.W. Norton & Company. 

Todd, K. L. (2019). Shedding of the colonial skin: The decolonial potentialities of dreaming. Decolonizing the Spirit in Education and Beyond, 17(28), 153–175. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-25320-2_11 

Wilson, S. (2019). Research is ceremony: Indigenous research methods. Langara College.

Wong, Y.-L. R. (2018). “Please call me by my true names”: A decolonizing pedagogy of mindfulness and interbeing in critical social work education. In Batacharya, S. & Wong, Y-L. R. (Eds.). (2018). Sharing breath: Embodied learning and decolonization (pp.253–277). essay, AU Press. Retrieved November 18, 2023, from https://ebookcentral-proquest-com.ezproxy.lib.ucalgary.ca/lib/ucalgary-ebooks/reader.action?pq-origsite=primo&ppg=264&docID=5574863.

What's becoming more clear - Week 9 of my practicum

“Self-Realization is a process of radical inclusion.” 

Bhambra, 2014

In the book Decolonizing Trauma Work (2016), Linklater refers to the work of Couture (2005) who says:

“traditional learning modalities eventually bring one to think intuitively, to think with the heart, to think Circles, to understand and utilize dream, metaphor, and symbol” (p. 13).

I feel a natural curvature happening this week, one that takes me into phase three of this project, which includes a spiraling back to the “beginning” to re-imagine and re-focus as I reflect on where I have been and where I now see this going. While this practicum has a window of time that suggests I move towards a sense of completion, Tiokasin Ghosthorse (2021) reminds us that there is no beginning and no ending, as this journey is a continuum, and we are a spiral, a relational reverberation, and a fractal experience of multi-dimensionality that is highlighted in the phrase ‘as above so below’.

I am mindful that I do not want to attempt to tie loose ends prematurely or create an expectation for myself to have everything figured out, especially not while I am still very much in process. Ghosthorse (2021) mentions this several times in his online series in reference to the Lakota word Wacan, which speaks to the pure energy of life and the continual choice to consciously apply mystery to everything. The way this resonates with me at this point is a reminder to embrace uncertainty, allow myself to be surprised, and to hold my beliefs loosely.

Resmaa Menakem (2021) says that when trauma is decontextualized, in other words, when we don’t see trauma as energy stored in the body and impacting individual and collective choices, it looks like culture. Much of our Western culture is the byproduct of unprocessed (and more often than not, misunderstood) trauma. As we deconstruct colonial consciousness, we must deconstruct our language (Ghosthorse, 2021) and the implicit biases and impulses that are a legacy of the trauma we have inherited (Menakem, 2021; Okun, 2023). 

With that in mind, I propose another change to my project’s title. In honor of simplifying, orbiting relationality and healing, and centering a heart-led way of being, I am moved towards the title:

Re-centering the heart to deconstruct colonial consciousness: An autoethnography

I set out on this project to see myself more clearly within the landscape of colonization and white supremacy culture while I engaged in an honest and vulnerable process of sharing. In many ways I was seeking a deeper connection with parts of me that I felt had been both traumatized and indoctrinated from intergenerational and present day experiences as a colonizer and as the colonized. It was important to me to articulate why I was embarking on this path and what I was discovering. As a white-bodied, middle-class, able-bodied, heterosexual, neurodivergent, Canadian cis gender female, who is passionate about the “helping” and “healing” profession, I am aware of the harm perpetuated by folks like me whose good intentions are tainted by lack of awareness and white saviorism (Cargle, 2020). The profession of social work has been scrutinized for many years as towing the line of oppression as “helping” can only go so far when it’s enacted within the confines of an institution regulated by systemic racism and patriarchal domination (Maylea, 2020). I have become astutely aware that I am not interested in simply making the status quo more comfortable for myself or those around me, and for that reason, my audience and scope for this project, and my next steps as a social worker, have become more clear. 

To add a bit of context, I attended a webinar this week titled Social Work 101: Unlearn and Practice Authentically, hosted by Kim Young (March, 2024). She spoke to many issues that are perpetuated by the social work profession, including too much focus on micro or individuals and not enough emphasis on the macro of systemic change. Additionally, she made a powerful proclamation that no one needs to be rescued, what people need is equitable access to resources and support that arrives in the form of relationships and ‘walking with’ rather than ‘power over’ (personal conversation, March, 2024). This echoes the aspects of my social work education that I have focused on and why I deem it a top priority to align with a model of practice that expands beyond the limitations of an individualistic, patriarchal and positivist paradigm that is currently embedded within and constraining the field of social work (Boetto, 2017).

At the end of her presentation, I asked Kim Young something along the lines of:

“I hear often that to create change we need to do it from the inside. However, I am hesitant to get both feet inside an agency or institution and am wondering if it is necessary to have that experience to truly be an agent of change?” 

She responded by sharing her own experience of working within various agencies and nonprofits, and that it is vital to have connections with folks on the ‘inside’ and ‘outside’ as co-conspirators in the pursuit of systemic change (personal communication, March, 2024). This lit me up. Aligning with the Indigenous wisdom of relationality (Wilson, 2019), rather than a singular focus on what I can do as an individual, I am reminded to focus on my connections and relationships, and foster a network of co-conspirators at various levels and positions in society.

While I recognize the need to balance micro and macro social work as “social problems require complex and sustained intervention at all levels of social work practice” (Rothman & Mizrahi, 2014, p. 91), it is the centering of relationships that shifts the epistemological underpinning of practice and its social objectives (Payne, 2020). What this tells me is that my broader goal of deconstructing colonialism and restructuring systems of equity and heart-led ways of being must include the individual and collective work of developing existential intelligence (Gardner, 2020) and dismantling of “ism’s” (Wong, 2018).

For these reasons, I have come to recognize the need for a social work model of practice that is transformative (Braidotti, 2019) and eclectic (Hanrahan, 2011), with a critical framework that encourages the ongoing deconstruction of ‘power-over’ and how that shows up in what we think we know, how we came to know it, and how we developed our skills and responses (Fook, 2015). Transformational social work is a holistic approach that relies on visionary and creative practitioners (Baldwin & Dylan, 2018) who embody the ontologies of relationality and interconnectedness (Besthorn, 2003). Similarly, an eclectic approach with interdisciplinary practice honors relational accountability and equity as core features (Hanrahan, 2011).

With all of that said, at this point in my project, in my career, and in my life in general, my ideal audience are folks who I can co-conspire with through educational and somatic experiences that lead to deconstructing colonial consciousness of our individual psyches and ban together to be more effective in deconstructing colonial tenets of society. 

Deconstruction can be quite disorienting and discombobulating. It is an experience of differentiating, and at times, falling apart, in the midst of coming home to what is infinitely stable and enduring. As I rebuild what has been pieced apart, I am reassured by Tiokasin Ghosthorse (2021) who reminds us that this is not a process of re-connecting with self, as that language is what is keeping us separate with the illusion that what we seek is something outside of us, or something that is not inherently a part of who we are already. Coming back to interconnectedness is a coming home to re-membering that we never have been separate. To me this brings life to Bhambra’s (2014) words at the start of this post. What could be more radical than the recognition that who we are is inherently inclusive and interconnected. 

References:

Baldwin, C. & Dylan, B. (2018). Critical social work: Past, present and future. Canadian Social Work, 20(1), 7–14.

Besthorn, F. (2003). Radical ecologisms: Insights for educating social workers in ecological activism and social justice. Critical Social Work, 3(1), 66–107. https://ojs.uwindsor.ca/index.php/csw/article/download/5632/4602?inline=1.

Bhambra, G. K. (2014). Postcolonial and decolonial dialogues. Postcolonial Studies, 17(2), 115–121. https://doi.org/10.1080/13688790.2014.966414 

Boetto, H. (2017). A transformative eco-social model: Challenging modernist assumptions in social work. British Journal of Social Work, 47(1), 48–67.

Braidotti, R. (2019). A theoretical framework for the critical posthumanities. Theory, Culture and Society, 36(6), 31–61.

Cargle, R., Hayes, S., & Plummer, S. (2020, June 30). SWCAREs: Social work so white W Rachel Cargle. YouTube. https://youtu.be/WA5ZwkfHLCA?si=3Y566IvNxRY2d5j5 

Fook, J. (2015). Critical social work practice. International Encyclopedia of the Social Work; Behavioral Sciences, 287–292. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-08-097086-8.28022-7

Gardner, H. (2020). Existential intelligence: Why now? https://www.multipleintelligencesoasis.org/blog/2020/7/8/a-resurgence-of-interest-in-existential-intelligence-why-nownbsp

Ghosthorse, T. (2021). Deprogramming the colonial mind: Re-languaging regeneration. Restorative Practices. https://restorativepractices.com/product/re-languaging/

Ginwright, S. (2018). The Future of Healing: Shifting From Trauma-Informed Care to Healing-Centered Engagement. Medium. 

Hanrahan, C. (2011). Challenging anthropocentrism in social work through ethics and spirituality: Lessons from studies in human and animal bonds. Journal of Religion and Spirituality in Social Work, 30(3), 272–293.

Linklater, R. (2016). Decolonizing trauma work: Indigenous stories and Strategies. Langara College. 

Maylea, C. (2020). The end of social work. The British Journal of Social Work, 51(2), 772–789. https://doi.org/10.1093/bjsw/bcaa203

Menakem, R. (2021). My grandmother’s hands: Racialized trauma and the pathway to mending 

our hearts and bodies. Penguin Books. 

Okun, T. (2023). White Supremacy Culture. WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE. https://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/ 

Payne, M (2020). The social construction of social work theory. In Modern Social Work Theory (5th edition) (pp. 3-31). New York: Oxford Press.

Rothman, J., & Mizrahi, T. (2014). Balancing Micro and macro practice: A challenge for Social Work. Social Work, 59(1), 91–93. https://doi.org/10.1093/sw/swt067

Wilson, S. (2019). Research is ceremony: Indigenous research methods. Langara College.

Wong, Y.-L. R. (2018). “Please call me by my true names”: A decolonizing pedagogy of mindfulness and interbeing in critical social work education. In Batacharya, S. & Wong, Y-L. R. (Eds.). (2018). Sharing breath: Embodied learning and decolonization (pp.253–277). essay, AU Press. Retrieved November 18, 2023, from https://ebookcentral-proquest-com.ezproxy.lib.ucalgary.ca/lib/ucalgary-ebooks/reader.action?pq-origsite=primo&ppg=264&docID=5574863.

The standstill in the midst of deconstruction - Week 8 of my practicum

“The imperative behind this work is that decolonization is a process in which everyone should engage. Decolonization is for everyone, because it works to reconnect humanity to all facets of their being. Since colonialism has attempted to sever the means of communing with the world through dehumanization, dispossession and erasures, returning to relational ways of connecting is an act of renunciation of colonialism and, more importantly, an act of renewal. Decolonizing needs to begin first internally in the mind, the body and the spirit and then move outward to transform existing colonial structures” (Todd, 2019,  p. 164).

Timing and synchronicity has me in a deep pause this week. I won’t be writing much, as I have started this blog a dozen times and continue to find myself at a standstill as I notice the words and phrases I habitually use are actually disempowering (Ghosthorse, 2022). I am in a being state, in a way that is foreign yet familiar. The more I try to put words to it the more disconnected I feel from myself. I find it fascinating that I lost my voice last week, and I am now in a state of shifting how I communicate. So what brought this on?

I am inspired, held and shattered from listening and learning from Tiokasin Ghosthorse of the Cheyenne River Lakota. In a series called Deprogramming the Colonial Mind (2022) on the Restorative Practices website, I find myself experiencing a swift dismantling of the conceptual framework I have been living in. It is a gift, and it is disorienting. 

What has become more clear from the guidance in these lessons from Tiokasin Ghosthorse (2022) is that English, as a language, is one of domination, possession, separation and containment, and he says, we cannot liberate ourselves or wake ourselves up with the same language that put us asleep or boxed us in. He makes reference to Einstein's infamous quote that is similar, “we can’t solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” And I heard the parallel to Audre Lorde’s (1984) cautionary reminder, “the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” 

Ghosthorse (2022) shares a lesson he learned from his mother, that the thinking mind, which thinks it is THE Intelligence, is actually a seed of the heart. In Lakota, this means we think from our heart, and our brain’s are a tool of the heart. Our intellectualism comes from the thinking mind, but our intelligence is from the heart. While our language is continuously distancing us from this intelligence, it is our work to make the journey back to our heart by seeing the box we are living within and shifting our language so we are not using the same language that boxed us in (Ghosthorse, 2022). 

This reminded me of a Sioux (pronounced Sue) Native American saying that expresses the sentiment that the longest journey you will ever make is from your head to your heart. I remember the first time I heard this phrase spoken. It rang through my system as wisdom, and inspired me to begin a long explorative expedition to discover this journey home to my heart. 

Learn more about the Sioux Native Americans here

This project has become an integral part of that journey for me. The disconnect I have felt throughout my life, the shame, the desire to seek for something elusive yet that I knew I would know it when I found it, have all led me to this moment. As I turn the corner of the halfway point in this project’s timeline, I sense some final puzzle pieces falling into place in what feels like a serendipitous way, which has me in awe. 

As the walls of my language crumble around me, I am reminded of bell hooks (1996) words that as the dismantling happens and we momentarily lose the ground, anchor to love. Rather than over-analyzing, trying to figure out how to describe the ‘how-to’, or attempt to speed up or get entangled in an agenda of progress, I am allowing this process to unfold and I surrender to where I am now. With that, I merge with interconnectedness and the presence of energy animating my body. I listen and I turn towards the rhythms of the Earth to remind me that I am her, and she is me (Ghosthorse, 2022). 

Xo

Bye for now

Marin

P.s. I highly recommend you register for this course to watch the pre-recorded videos with Tiokasin Ghosthorse. 

INTERMEDIATE: Deprogramming the Colonial Mind: Re-Languaging Regeneration - Restorative Practices ELearning Platform

References:

Ghosthorse, T. (2021). Deprogramming the colonial mind: Re-languaging regeneration. Restorative Practices. https://restorativepractices.com/product/re-languaging/

hooks, b. (1996). “Contemplation and Transformation.” In Dresser, M. (Ed.) (1996). Buddhist 

women on the edge: Contemporary perspectives from the western frontiers, 287–92. 

Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books.

Lorde, A. (1984). The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house (Comments at the “The personal and the political panel,” Second Sex Conference, New York, September 29, 1979). In Sister outsider (pp. 110–113). Sister Visions Press. (Original work published 1979)

Todd, K. L. (2019). Shedding of the colonial skin: The decolonial potentialities of dreaming. Decolonizing the Spirit in Education and Beyond, 17(28), 153–175. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-25320-2_11 

Exploration of my psyche - Week 7 of my practicum

Although I was quite sick to start this week, I also felt excited and ready to do a deeper dive into my psyche. For several weeks I have been looking forward to my craniosacral and breathwork sessions scheduled for this past Thursday, and they did not disappoint. I wrote for two hours Thursday night to capture the happenings in these two interconnected and spiritual journeys (i.e. craniosacral and breathwork) and am still unpacking and processing the insights that emerged. While it may be a bit premature to share what happened, I also believe there is value in sharing while it’s raw, inviting you into the process of integration.

For those of you who have not experienced or do not know much about craniosacral work or breathwork, much of what I share below may sound quite bizarre. I am not trained in craniosacral therapy, and have only experienced this specific modality a handful of times. When I had my first session with Linda White last Spring at Healing Tree I knew she was someone I would continue to work with for some time. Every session I have experienced with her has been profoundly supportive.

I am trained and facilitate breathwork and have experienced sessions more times than I can count. Dawn Zentner is a breathwork practitioner I have known for many years, and while I have been honored to support her in some breathwork journeys, this was my first time being on the receiving end. You can find her facilitating by looking her up on instagram or at The Practice Calgary.

While there are obvious differences in these therapies, there are also lots they share in common. They both have the potential to be deeply spiritual, and grant us access to what is happening beneath the iceberg of our thoughts, habits, beliefs and behavior. They are somatic therapies that turn towards sensations, visuals, reactions, impulses, and thoughts with a curiosity that leads to deeper levels of awareness that we don’t normally have access to. A glaring difference is that craniosacral is facilitated by regulating/calming the body, while this form of breathwork seeks to consciously activate the body. Another aspect of these experiences that is unique for me is the fact that I have access to many tools that allow me to collaborate quite a bit in these sessions. I will happily elaborate, engage in discourse or explore possible meanings with anyone who feels compelled to reach out regarding these two powerful experiences I had on Thursday.

Before I move further, I must also acknowledge that I recognize that this project has a strong element of personal development within it, and I am mindful that this teeters towards White Saviorism when there is not an equally present element of active engagement and support in dismantling the systems that are founded on colonial and racist rhetoric, beliefs and actions (Cargle et al., 2020). I humbly acknowledge that I can do more to support and show up for equity deserving people and communities in our/their advocacy for creating change, and I am sharing this now as a way to hold myself accountable to this vital part of the work. I also acknowledge that I have needed to do this deeper dive into my psyche to understand the grip systemic racism and the history of colonialism has in my psyche, as I believe that by knowing how and experiencing liberation internally, we have a structure and framework to understand how to engage in liberation externally. The work may begin with personal development, but that is certainly not where it remains nor where it ends. 

The Magic of Thursday

As I prepared Thursday morning for my craniosacral and breathwork sessions, I felt excited to have loving care and support in my exploration. I reminded myself to be open to what arises while also being clear on what I was curious to illuminate, both for my own direction and to share with the practitioners I would be receiving support from. Along with that, I had a few points of interest to weave in….

1. One of the clear intentions I had was to discover more about my impulse to “power over.” The way this landed for me Thursday morning was a desire to discern between “power over” and the “right use of power”.

2. As I desire to have my internal system operate more like a holacracy, rather than a traditional hierarchy, I found myself curious to explore and discover the qualities or elements of my internal system’s “constitution” that will serve as guidance and support in my sense of Identity.

3. I also noted a deep curiosity to understand more about my sensitivity to discomfort, how OCD may be playing a role in this, and how “power over” gets wielded as a reaction to discomfort 

4. Lastly, I am curious to turn towards the parts of me that have used power over or have been exiled by power over, and to reconnect with these parts from Self.

I imagine that as you read through what transpired in these two sessions you will see how these intentions impacted my journey, and some wisdom that could be landed on. I intend to make those connections more obvious in coming weeks, but for now, let’s move into the unfiltered reflection from Thursday night as I captured the days events…

What a day! I feel myself hesitate as I sit down to attempt to capture all of the amazing insights and experiences today brought to fruition. What a gift it is to have loving support to help me move deep into my psyche and remain steady in the spaces of connections that require more time, patience and curiosity. 

With Linda, she was excited to hear about my practicum project and where I was at with it. She said she had been thinking about me, and I felt honored to cross her mind like that. I shared the pieces I had written above, including some context about being mostly cognitive with the project thus far, and having moments of confusion. She picked up on that and after I had shared she asked me about the confusion. I shared more about recognizing how big this project was and how I needed to narrow down what I was looking for, or my trailheads to simplify the process, as well as recognizing that I needed to take more time to cultivate safety for myself rather than assume I could just close my eyes and go to what felt “big and scary.” That reminded me of the black hole and the inner flailer, so I spoke to that as well and the concept that colonialism enacts a violent shattering and separation of self, which is what I assumed this black hole and flailer were connected to.

She took her time to help me feel safe and grounded on her massage table, as she gently held my feet. My lower body felt as though it wasn’t present, while my upper body twinged and twanged and twitched with energy pulsing. I patiently sent love and welcoming to my legs, and around the same time Linda and I both noted that my legs felt more present. My feet however still felt cold and flat, and I mentioned this to Linda so she could bring more attention there too. She placed her hands at the soles of my feet and within a few moments I felt them melting, warming, relaxing. I also felt a slight movement in my feet and legs, similar to walking or cycling, and as I named that, I saw the visual of a figure 8. Linda asked me what that represented for me, and I felt into a cycle. I then saw the figure 8 as one part being in the present and the other part being in the past. A cycle that can reinforce stagnancy and beliefs, but also can be the catalyst for change as we update/change our present that will influence our past, or if we reframe the past that can change the way we show up in the present. 

As I felt very calm, relaxed and connected, I said I was intentionally turning towards the black hole. As I saw it, I felt neutral towards it. This ominous aspect of my psyche that I often felt so much resistance to turn towards or experienced with overwhelm, appeared with ease and didn’t evoke any charge within me. Linda validated this experience as meaning I was very much in my Higher Self and differentiated from this part of me that I often experience as being blended with. I walked in it, around it, and if anything it just felt ominously innocuous. 

As I remained in this black hole, I noted that it is a vastly different experience to be in there by choice versus my usual experience of being blended and tossed in there. That had me curious to explore if there was a part trapped or stuck in there. The black hole began to shift and change to be seen and experienced as a fluid, sticky tar like substance that the flailer was stuck in. It dawned on me that this part that flails was not lost and falling in a black hole, but was being held down and trapped, “power over”, by this black goo. I commented about how I realize now that this part is being held captive with power over energy, and when something touches this within me I then react by also wielding power over as a protective mechanism. 

Linda asked me something along the lines of: “Rather than fighting ‘power over’ with ‘power over’, what else might you do?

I love this question so much. The part of me stuck in the goo seemed to get quite activated by this question as it appeared to be the key to her escape, and yet she didn’t know the answer and felt the pressure to have an answer. This evoked what felt like the beginning trickle of activation in my belly moving up towards my heart, a sensation that felt familiar yet subdued enough for me to have space around it, noticing it. It felt like I was moving towards being blended with the part that is trapped, yet I was still grounded and in a critical mass of safety to also feel very much still in my Higher Self. While I didn’t have an answer to her question yet, I have kept that in my back pocket and will come back to that later on. I reminded this part of me that she doesn’t need to have the answer, and its not her job to figure that out, that I (the higher Self) will answer that. I sensed that the part that was trapped was not able to leave with her or my own agency at tht point. So I turned towards the goo with the assumption that it was holding her down and I needed to get its permission or become relational with it so I could go deeper. As I did that, I sensed there was no ill-will coming from it. I sensed that it was doing the job of protection. With the experience I have in this work, I have learned to revere my protectors as a vital step in the relationship building process. So I did. I also apologized to it for being scared of it and not seeing that it was just trying to protect. Checking in to see what else it might want to do in my system if it didn’t have to protect this part the way it does, I sensed it as a mass of intelligence, and its ability to shapeshift as a matrix of interconnection.

I was then able to move in deeper and reconnect with the young part it had been restraining. I recognized in that moment that this little one, 4-ish years old, had been flailing and this intelligent goo rained down on her to stabilize my system. Why had she begun flailing? I don’t have a clear answer for that question yet. She was scared and lonely and confused, yet within seconds of my Higher Self moving in, she opened herself to my presence. I checked in with this big terrorized energy she had been holding onto, flailing in, and felt 50% of it was not mine, and instead was inherited. I began to pass that energy back through my family lineage, and heard many of my ancestor’s remark that some of it is theirs but around 50% is also not theirs, as they kept passing it back. 

I sat with her for a while, taught her how to breathe into her central axis, and reminded her several times that she’s not alone anymore. I heard another part chime in momentarily that I better keep her on a short leash or be ready to restrain her. As if this little one was a wild animal that parts of my system were fearful of. I reminded my system that I am here with this little one, and yes she will need some updating, and some guidance, and some learning, but that’s okay, I am here. 

I have been reading chapters from the not-yet released book The Neurobiology of Connection by Natureza Gabriel (The Neurobiology of Connection | Natureza Gabriel | Substack), and he recently shared some key aspects of infant development that are vital for the healthy growth of a human nervous system. Part of this is the recognition that human beings require their first 18 months out of the womb to be treated as similar to womb time, in the sense of close connection swaddled on their caregivers front body (0-9 months) and on their back body (9-18 months). With these images fresh in my mind, and my knowing that I did not receive that as an infant, I then imagined a 0-9 month old version of me on my chest, a 9-18 month old me on my back, a toddler me on my lap, and this 4 year old close by ready to hold my hand in between bouts of wandering and playing. Young parts of me that I have contacted through previous spiritual sessions like this one, yet this presentation of how they nested on my body was a new way for me to imagine how I can care for these young versions of me that need my attuned secure attachment.

With that, the session came to an end. 

In the afternoon, my wonderful friend Dawn came over to support me in a breathwork journey. I described my morning session and the fascinating and surprising pieces that had and were unfolding. My intention for breathwork was to continue with integration as well as continue with the inquiry around noticing the impulse to fight “power over” with “power over” and what could be done in that space instead, yet also wanting to be mindful to not engage in this question cognitively. 

As we began, Dawn set the space with prayer, calling in supports and guides, reminding me of my wisdom and to trust my breath. Within a few minutes I began noting sensations that were standing out in my awareness, specifically a U-shaped intense energy in my lower jaw, surrounding my face. As Dawn placed her hands on the space beneath my collarbones, I felt my energy ground down into my body and the intensity in my face began to soften. As my breath rhythm picked up in pace and volume, my spine began to rock like a wave in a building oceanic storm. Dawn invited me to soften that motion and notice what happens. I immediately felt more awareness travel through my body. I felt more embodied and connected in general. I also noticed twitches above my right eye, at my eyebrow, and it moved in a bit of circular pattern around my eye. It felt like an entrance, a portal, I said. 

As I described what I was noticing, I did so with a gesture of my right hand into a strong fist that rested above my heart space. I became curious about the force or intensity of that gesture, and invited my fist to soften as well, and to pulse gently in the rhythm of my breath and the now soothing movement of my spine. Within a few moments I had a visual of a strong and violent hand thumping down on my heart like a loud drum beat or the violent yet life-saving act of CPR. Dawn asked what that represented for me and I spoke of “coming back” after a heart had stopped. Dawn asked me how that made me feel and as she did I was struck with sadness and began to cry. I felt the terror of a violent moment right before a heart stopping, and the violent act of resuscitation to bring the heart back. I recognized the beauty and intention of care and support in this resuscitation, yet such sadness that that is what so many people experience.

I noted that this feels like moments in time that we learn to engage in “power over” to fix, to heal, to save lives, and because it works or it worked once, it also perpetuates violence. I felt as though I was experiencing both the one who is being resuscitated and the one doing the resuscitating, and I felt a similar wound that was being acted out from as well as being implanted to be carried forward and passed on.

Dawn helped me tune into the warmth of my heart and the safety and support that is here now, and I felt an opportunity to update my system with “another way” to engage in these moments that appear to require violent resuscitation. I imagined the many moments in my life that I wielded “power over” and I recognized that was a learned behavior and was protecting the wound inside of me that experienced the shock of a heart-stopping moment. I began to flow warmth and love into those memories. This was less about seeing clear scenes or staying in one place, and more about feeling the energy of “power over” throughout my life and infusing this unconditionally loving energy into the space that is there. 

Dawn asked me what I can bring into those spaces where I sense “power over” wanting to fight “power over”, and my first responses came: patience and choice. As I felt the nurturing rhythm of my breath, the soothing pulse of my movement, and a gentle interconnected version of CPR resuscitating my heart, I also noted that in this space there is trust - trusting in the intelligence that is there, that we are, that the earth is. In moments where I sense “power over” energy in someone else, or the discomfort inside myself that had been historically met with “power over” to fix, avoid, or inoculate what felt unstable, instead I can now invite in the re-membering to open up to the higher intelligence that is within me, within others, in the space between, and I can collaborate there, rather than charge forward as if I have to do it on my own.

I felt my awareness begin to shift towards imagining myself in the womb, continuing to vibrate with this powerful loving message of support and care, patience and trust, and then sending that same understanding back through my lineage. I imagined, without detail, moments in time that there were experiences of shock that “stopped someone’s heart” and the learned behavior of violence to fix it or defend it or turn away from it, and I sent warmth and love everywhere. Again, I was asked what is in that space rather than power over, and as I felt into it, I said Choice. I sensed this melting of energy flowing in so many directions, compared to what previously had felt stagnant and stuck. This led me to also name that this is a space to see and recognize stuck energy. We wield power over when energy is stuck. Lastly, I named this as a healing space. 

Dawn then asked me if there was anywhere in my body that I noticed anything that felt like stuck energy. I scanned through and noted a point at the back of my head on the left, and while my legs were currently supported with a bolster, I have recurring tension and stuck energy in my low back and would like to remove the support of the bolster to see what happens there. Once lying flat on the ground, I felt movement in my spine, rocking up and down, and a side to side in my pelvis. Dawn offered to hold my legs to mimic or ‘take over’ this motion so I could see what happens. She lifted my legs and I coached her to find the motion that matched what I was feeling. Within seconds I felt emotion, tears, and soon after could name that I was feeling fear. The words to describe it came out as “I have lost my feet. I have lost the ground.” She brought my legs down to regulate for a few breaths and offered to do that again if I felt inclined to explore. We tried again but this time with keeping my legs on the ground while creating the same motion. Now it felt similar, but more like I was walking, very grounded, rather than free falling. And then back into stillness. I noted that as a fascinating experience to move through. I felt this steady, always present part of me as being in all three experiences of free falling, walking and stillness, and this felt profound. What had felt scary and separate now felt normalized and just a part of the experience of living. 

I noted that my mind was going to potentially the first separation wound, when Source energy differentiated to create life. And the many moments in one’s life, for example, exiting the womb, where there was a shock of separation and a desperate action to “make it stop.” These intense moments of separation that could feel like momentary free falling, yet I now felt the continuity and the cycle as free falling was simply a part of the journey.

The figure 8 appeared again. I began to feel as if I were free falling, while also very aware that I was laying on the ground and safe. I also noticed that it felt like there was a well of space around my heart. Something I had never felt quite like this before. Previous journeys and experiences had led me to drop some deep protection around my heart, and occasionally feel that my heart is wide open, raw and ready for connection, yet not much nuance in between those two extremes. Now I felt this space around my heart. It had a protective energy to it yet without being a block or wall of any kind, quite the opposite in fact.

The free fall stopped feeling like a free fall so much as simply a leg of the journey. As if I was “falling” down one side of the figure 8 and trusted that the cycle would continue and would carry me up the other side. Nothing to flail about. Despite this knowing, I noticed my body begin to tense up as the feeling of free fall continued. I had to bring conscious attention and reassurance and guidance to my body to relax and allow. 

And we concluded there. A short debrief and sharing of appreciation for each other. And now I sit here, writing, trying to capture it all. What a gift. 

References:

Cargle, R., Hayes, S., & Plummer, S. (2020, June 30). SWCAREs: Social work so white W Rachel Cargle. YouTube. https://youtu.be/WA5ZwkfHLCA?si=3Y566IvNxRY2d5j5