Over the next several weeks I continued to notice a bit of “rush” and “anxious” energy, specifically at the beginning of sessions, and I began to sense there was a lack of structure, or directiveness, in how I was approaching these beginnings. It felt very similar to what was lacking in key moments throughout sessions. For example, when a client was exploring a desire to be silly he noted that he also felt embarrassed and some worry regarding how to be with the embarrassment. I noticed a part of me react with uncertainty as well, and so my invitation for him was to turn towards that and be curious with it. However, had I been able to access more directiveness in that moment, I could have asked “I wonder if we can be curious about where this embarrassment comes from? Does it just show up in certain situations or do you notice it in other relationships or scenarios?” We could have gleaned much more information about this polarization arising within him.

Being affirmative and compassionate is necessary to build rapport, trust and safety, and I also need to be ready to push a little. I envision this as a mama bird who recognizes the baby bird is ready to fly, and needs to nudge them out of the nest so they can feel their own wings flapping. I want to provide an experiential environment that feels safe and creates space to explore, and I do not want to be simply a salve. I want to support others to get to the root of what ails them. I am not a gas station that clients come visit every time their tank empties, or someone they turn to because it feels good in the moment. I am interested in helping along a discovery process regarding what is depleting their system and keeping them stuck so that they can liberate from that cycle and experience how powerful and intelligent their bodymind truly is.

While I do access this gentle and consistent directiveness in some aspects of my facilitation, I began to recognize that when I felt a bit unsettled, I would lose touch with this wise directiveness altogether. Wise directiveness feels like being investigative towards the nuanced and subtle clues and cues that point towards what’s stuck, stagnant, excessive or in need of connection and an update. It means taking risks occasionally and inviting in inquiries that may feel uncomfortable or be met with resistance (or maybe even anger). When I am grounded and centered, I can trust that I can meet others in that and continually shine a light on what’s here now, with a prompt like, “I notice that something about what I just said made you tighten up, can you tell me what’s happening for you? Does that remind you of something/someone?”

I think what made this all so fascinating to me was the deep familiarity I have with my directive part and curiosity regarding what was blocking it from feeling integrated and accessible.

This seemed like a perfect time to step into a supportive environment with someone I trust who could guide and walk alongside me as I ventured inward. I made an appointment with Linda White and headed in for a craniosacral session. 

We began our time together with a short discussion regarding what I was noticing and what my intention was for the session. I shared about my desire to slow down beginnings and gain a better relationship with the directive part of me.

As we moved into the session, laying on her table, I could feel my whole body was quite activated. The familiar feeling of the young part of me with two parts of her own, expressing with a “know it all” attitude and an equal and opposite “I don’t know how!”, which culminates in systemic anxiety. This young part that was featured in my ketamine experience was trying to figure out what to do until I connected with her and reminded her that her role is not to fix or figure anything out, she can rest in her innate connection to source. I realized here that she was continuing to step outside of her innate role because no other part of me seemed to be filling that void of structure and directiveness, so she was trying to do it all - because she is super smart and magical after all. 

It was interesting to imagine that the part who is skilled at directiveness had been exiled in my system long ago. When I was very young, this part showed up from a place of believing and feeling that I was not okay if others are not okay, or I’m only safe if I’m regulated and I cannot be regulated if others around me are not regulated. It believed “I must fix others so that I can feel safe.” This part had a stint of being a bully with a strong need to control and avoid my own pain by distracting myself with utilizing power-over others. Later on this part developed into an advice giver and a coach that, again, was trying to settle those around me so that I could relax and feel safe. It tended to be quite bossy at times, and other parts of me learned to not appreciate this and wanted this directiveness to relax and go away. Eventually I realized this part was negatively impacting my relationships in many ways and this is when this directiveness was exiled; pushed away and excluded with the mindset that it’s not needed and it only does harm.

The thing about exiles though, they still wreck havoc in intense ways, consciously or subconsciously. So, this need to control, fix, and engage in “power-over” would come out intensely every once and a while, and this further created a separation and general dislike of this part in my system as it was deemed to be the source of trouble and shame.

Due to this part being in exile, I also found myself reacting intensely when I felt and heard directiveness in others. It had been banished and shamed in my system, so of course I struggled with knowing how to relate or be with others when a part of them expressed with similar qualities. I would react with judgement and disdain, sometimes with fire as I would lean in defensively to go toe to toe to meet power over with power over. Other times I felt overwhelmed as though I was a small child who was fearful and sad as if I was in trouble. I saw all of this so clearly as I laid on Linda’s table. 

I realized it was time to welcome my directive part back into my system, appreciate it for its wisdom and gifts, and update my system and other parts regarding how things are different now and what this directive part offers us. 

My young “know it all”/”I don’t know how!” part was anxious about this, and I recognized she needed my attention first. I saw myself as young and frustrated and full of energy and not feeling the support or allowance to be fully who she is. She needed to express, emote, and let it her rage rip through her. As I have done many times before with parts like this, I imagined a neutral and expansive space and invited this part to express and emote in whatever way it needs to, and reassured her that I am not like the other adults she knows and I will hold space for whatever she needs for however long it takes. She began to bellow sounds and emotions and chaotic movement rippled through her. In this imaginary space, every sound and movement she expressed was colored with paint that exploded from her body and splashed all around her. What began as heart-wrenching pain, anger and frustration shifted as she giggled and played with her magical expression that colored the space around her. This felt like liberating exuberance. She was finally in a space where her non-sensical magic, playfulness and sense of creation had free range to be expressed and explored. She did not need to explain it, rationalize it, or prove what she was capable of to anyone. Her innate skills are not congitive, logical, linear, or structured.

Because there was a lack of healthy directiveness in my system, she had learned to take on various roles that are more left-brain oriented, but her inherent gifts and skills are more of the right-brain quality; sensorial, intuitive, non-linear, expansive, and creative. 

With this little one fully immersed in her magical space, I was able to shift my attention more fully to the sensations in my body and the intention of inviting the directive part back into my system. I felt a burning sensation in my heart, and it appeared to me as a tangled ball of yarn. I began to unfurl the yarn and it travelled back in time through my lineage and I saw and sensed the immense hardships endured for generations that involved beginning life over again and again and again. Beginnings seemed constant at times, and rife with uncertainty and tragedy. This was generations of hopeful beginnings that were riddled with strain, tension and fear.

Once the ball of yarn was completely untangled, after I had witnessed this experience of beginnings as it was etched in my DNA, I watched as all of my ancestors gathered around the magical space where my little expressive artist was dancing and playing, and they gazed at her with smiles and tears of joy. It felt like they were seeing the fruits of their labor, and as if these same magical and whimsical aspects of themselves were liberated and able to experience joy in a way they had not experienced in their own life. I felt so much gratitude as I sent a thank you towards them, and relished in the ease and connection I felt in my body. Relaxed and whole in a way I had not felt in quite a while. 

With the space that had opened in my system, and this little wild one happily contained in her magical space, I sensed the next evolution of my directive part appear as a Wise Wizard. It still felt somewhat incomplete, as if the journey and transformation of this part is in the beginning phase of being born from its chrysalis and just awakening to what it is capable of. I felt the possibility of more structure, a skill of noticing immense detail, an aptitude of sensing what’s stuck or out of harmony, and an ability to shine a loving light on the darkness to bring curiosity and exploration. I felt its love, its confidence, and a wisdom that appeared as an expression of healthy masculine qualities, with just enough healthy feminine qualities to provide balance (*will add hyperlink).

I could feel that the left brain is essential as a leader at the beginning of sessions and must remain present and on task throughout sessions. The left brain, now akin to my wise wizard, is in service of communicating clear structure and orientation, and provides a pragmatic approach to illuminate the intention of the session. Yet it also remains present to hypothesize regarding the core limiting beliefs (*will add hyperlink) that are creating stagnancy in the client’s system. This creates clear structure for the session while being invitational and collaborative. The scaffolding of experiential containers created with an invitation and enough clarity for the client to accept the invitation to walk up, into and co-create the container.

What remained was a deep knowing that the integration of healthy feminine was still required. Regulation Theory attests to the imminence of right-brain mode of processing as key to the therapeutic process. Now that I had a place open and ready for my left-brain (aka the wise wizard) to inhabit and develop its important part in my system, I felt there was more space opening for me to truly conceptualize and embody what it is to lead from my right-brain.

I was left with a sense of awe and gracious understanding of what was keeping me stuck, and how to proceed moving forward. What transpired next curated the integrative experience I was sensing was on the horizon.