Threads
Review and Reflect
The purpose of this project is to reflect, integrate and present a coherent story that encapsulates my journey, what informs my current professional identity, and what area(s) I desire to further develop or focus on in the near future. It is important that I slow down and gather the pieces that I deem to be essential and lay them out to see what story or throughline wants to emerge.
I often remind myself of Daniel Siegel’s (2017) work on integration as I settle into this stage of a project. He illuminates integration as a process that leads to optimal self-organization. It requires differentiating key elements, pieces, and parts which are unique and have their own integrity, as well as recognizing the linkages between these elements that make up the whole - without blending them - as the whole becomes greater than the sum of its parts (Siegel, 2017). As an analogy, Siegel (2017) suggests we think of integration as a fruit salad rather than a smoothie. When this differentiation and linkage takes place as part of our ongoing practice we develop a way of being that is flexible, adaptive, coherent, energetic and stable (Siegel, 2017).
As an emerging social worker with a keen eye on the micro and macro levels and systems of existence, embodying these qualities of integration is important. They allow for agility and resilience as I pursue a career and way of being that is aligned with the CASW code of ethics, which stipulates that I:
Respect the Dignity and Worth of All People
Promote Social Justice
Pursue Truth and Reconciliation
Value Human Relationships
Preserve Integrity in Professional Practice
Maintain Privacy and Confidentiality
Provide Competent Professional Services
Part of what this education has taught me is that we need to be honest about where we have been and where we are now in order for us to cultivate a future we desire. As I pull apart the pieces I want to focus on for this project and mindfully piece them back together, I do so with the intent to glean more wisdom and embody the insights and lessons learned more fully.
So, what are the pieces I want to include?
Symbols:
In the book Decolonizing Trauma Work (2016), Renee Linklater refers to the work of Couture (2005) who says, “traditional learning modalities eventually bring one to think intuitively, to think with the heart, to think Circles, to understand and utilize dream, metaphor, and symbol” (p. 13).
I come back to this quote often. I love encapsulating my learnings as stories and with symbols, and to expand my attention to listen and feel into the space and experiences that teach in non-linear and subtle ways. This reminds me of the freedom I have to embrace the messiness, to try out ideas and approaches and perspectives as I allow what I am learning to take shape. I leaned on this teaching several times throughout this program, beginning with my first practicum and the self-directed project I created. The title of that first practicum project evolved as I was creating it and finished as…
Re-Centering the Heart to Deconstruct Colonial Consciousness: An Autoethnography (several blog posts featured this first practicum, starting with this one).
There are some experiences that I shared through that practicum that I will be picking up and weaving into this final project as well.
Parts:
A consistent feeling I notice and have developed space to be curious about is a sense of feeling rushed, to do more, compete, and prove my worth. In my first practicum I proceeded with a hypothesis that this part of me is carrying colonial or white supremacy culture toxins which I see and feel when I am dysregulated and trying to seek safety by utilizing strategies internally and externally that feel like “power over”. While I had some important insights and upgrades in my relationship with this part, I was still noticing this survival strategy of “power over” and my growing disdain towards it. Although I didn’t see this until very recently, I now recognize this as a polarization, as the part with aggressive, colonial survival strategies is in direct conflict with other parts in my system, such as, parts that desire peace, to be a healing presence for others, and to engage in relationships where power is shared and amplified.
Through this second practicum and ongoing learning I noticed this polarization was impacting my relationship with clients. Specifically, in moments of stress or uncertainty in sessions I would feel an impulse “to take control” and “to fix” and an equal and opposite impulse that blocked this aggressive directiveness, and along with it all sense of directiveness felt inaccessible to me.
Polarizations:
The example I just shared, along with a few other threads I noticed while reflecting and writing on this project, have led me to an important theme and skillset required to take my personal growth and professional facilitation to the next level.
I recognized that in sessions with clients I have an intense reaction internally when I hear the strife and frustrating standstill of an internal polarization. Being compassionate towards myself first, I can recognize that ambivalence or polarizations are complex and certainly are at the root of many issues people seek support with. I also wonder if my narrow window of tolerance regarding polarizations in others is in part due to the fact that I am also experiencing a polarization internally and had not figured out how to resolve this conflict yet. To be clear, I know my window of tolerance is narrow regarding working with others’ polarizations because when it became apparent that that was the glaring need, I would feel myself lose my expansive sense of presence as my perspective narrowed, my curiosity flattened, and I would be “driven” by parts that want to take control and fix it. Again, repeating what I mentioned above, other parts would then also jump in to diminish my ability to “take control” and instead help me remain open and present (just without as much creativity or confidence as I need to be a consistently effective therapist),
A polarization is akin to two parts of you trying to keep a boat from capsizing by leaning hard in opposite directions rather than working together (Finney, 2024). In this analogy the boat being shaky is the state of dysregulation, and these two opposing parts are jumping in to try to seek safety with the strategies they have access to. This leads to extreme behavior because one-part keeps leaning harder in one direction to try to settle the boat, and the other reacts with a hard lean in the other direction to counterbalance. As you can imagine, this uses a lot of energy and resources that could be conserved if a new relationship and strategy could be developed.
For me, the one who says, “I can take control” and “I can fix this!” has a bit of a “know it all” energy that can be aggressively directive. It comes from a pure and genuine place, as this part developed these attributes from past experience to help me feel more safe when around chaos or around others who were unsettled and felt dangerous. As I continued to get to know this part, I have learned this is the same part that used to be a bully when I was quite young, and as I grew and learned about holistic health, it became a logical, linear director (or dictator) that desired to help everyone around me as that is what made me feel more safe.
In retrospect I have realized that after my first practicum I had pushed this part aside, somewhat exiling this aspect of me out of frustration and shame as I did not want to inflict “power over” anyone. I viewed this part as unhealthy, and neglected to recognize that this part was carrying unhealthy and imbalanced masculine energy, and what it needed was support so it could upgrade and integrate into my internal system more fully.
It has been polarized with another young part of me that becomes very anxiously escalated by this directive energy. When there is an internal command that says “take control” and “fix this”, this other part expresses with alarm: “I don’t know how!” while trying desperately to grasp onto structure and logic, fearful of “getting in trouble” and being seen as stupid. She is a young version of my wild and magical feminine, and she has been trying to operate in ways that are outside her innate gifts.
I will share more about this unfolding relationship and upgrade in my system as the project continues.
Black-Hole:
In my first practicum I also experienced and shared in depth about an inner flailer that was connected to a visual and sense of what appeared to be a black hole inside of me. My hypothesis at the time was that this black hole and feeling of flailing was connected to a pre-verbal fear of death/unknown and the violence of colonialism intergenerationally that echoes in my DNA today. I sought guidance to be with this, as it was quite overwhelming for me to move towards on my own, and my experience was transformative. The deep fear of the unknown that is the black hole shapeshifted into an intelligence that I was able to turn towards and engage with without fear (detailed in this blog post).
This remains important to me as I have heard many clients share about their own “black hole” or flashes of immense darkness that leave them feeling terrified. My experience of becoming relational with what previously terrified and overwhelmed me has expanded my curiosity and ability to be with and hold space for others if/when they are ready to come face to face with that experience for themselves.
As within-in so with-out:
I am also curious to see how to include a mirrored expression that not only details the journey I have been on but also how that informs me regarding the template of my one-on-one sessions with clients, and the inclusion of macro level systems thinking. I have felt a bit of a full circle experience as I came into this program with knowledge and affinity for somatics and breathwork and intentionally focused on developing new skills as I continually “try on” other models of practice. I find myself feeling reassured with clarity and confidence as the foundation I came into this program with has expanded due to social work’s education on systems and the technical and clinical components of therapy. I am excited to substantiate these learnings with this opportunity to focus on integration.
Hero’s Journey:
One of the symbols featured in my first practicum was the spiral, and I continue to glean wisdom and support from that in many ways. Continuing with the spiral, I see that as informing how I have come to experience the hero’s journey. The template of the hero’s journey is what I used in my book published in 2017 and I am enjoying what feels like another full circle moment as I find myself landing on that template again, yet with a broader perspective and naturally a few more years of experience.
To symbolize this in a visual I see the first round of the spiral. A beginning point representing who and where I was at the start of this journey, and a big circle that takes me away from what I knew and was comfortable with. A hero’s journey as I am coming back home with more skills and perspectives that will lead to a leveling up and a simultaneous expanding of capacity to go deeper. This is not a continuous circle that brings me back to exactly where I was before. This is a 3D multidimensional spiral that is moving upwards and inwards.
While I play the role of a mentor for my client’s as they embark on their hero’s journey, I do so with the informed approach of Regulation Theory, Internal Family Systems, Somatics, Critical Theory, and the Indigenous wisdom teaching of relationality.
In short, regulation theory posits that a therapeutic practitioner models and mirrors secure attachment and healthy relationality (which are right-brain to right-brain qualities of attunement). In doing so, it is the right-brain to right-brain relationship that supports the re-wiring of foundational aspects of identity and relationality in their participant’s psyche. As practitioner, adding in the hero’s journey framework, it is my role to venture alongside them as they leave their status quo and step over the threshold into the unknown. I do so by balancing masculine and feminine qualities of clear structure and a linear process or a container they are invited into while also enabling my intuition, presence and ability to attune and share power with my client to guide the process. There will be moments when we need to slow down and venture beneath the words being spoken, and slowly build trust and rapport so that more can be unveiled and explored in a safe and productive way. As I hold space and listen, I also offer ideas, tools and techniques as they come up against the parts of them that are stuck in extreme roles. These parts need to be heard, validated, seen, and appreciated for their gifts and strength so they can release what’s stuck and allow their innate intelligence to guide their evolution.
Another “mirrored” aspect of this project is my belief and lived experience that learning how to inhabit the relational space internally creates a template and understanding for how to cultivate healthy relationships externally. As a social worker who strives to not only support individuals but also create change at the macro level of society and culture, my goal for internal and external is harmony and collaboration. As within, so without.
The forest through the trees:
As I got further into reviewing and reflecting for the project, I started to notice more and more of a left-brain mode of processing-oriented way of being. This felt like getting lost in the weeds; some confusion as I was zoomed in on details and “losing the plot” while grasping with a desire to make sense of this all quickly. A narrow perspective, trying to “figure it out”, and seeking meaning. This is a familiar feeling or state of being, and I notice it and can observe it now when it happens. It feels like overwhelm as I fixate on details, almost like trying to put together a giant puzzle while stuck in a zoomed-in perspective that is not conducive to seeing the bigger picture.
This is when it is important for me to remind myself to step back, soften my grip on the puzzle pieces, and expand my perspective to see the forest through the trees. This practice and ability to notice when I have been “zoomed in” for too long and need to relax and take in the bigger picture by “zooming out” has been a game changer for me. This relates to Regulation Theory and the skill of right-brain mode of processing, and Siegel’s (2023) Three Pillar Training (*will add hyperlink) that has been foundational in my personal well-being in the past several months as well.
Nondualism:
Schore & Schore (2014) write about this process of zooming out and relaxing into right-brain mode of processing as a form of “surrender”. Surrender is not a concept that makes sense or is accessible to everyone, yet. And, it is a powerful practice to work towards. Some other concepts that may be more accessible: let go, step back, relinquish the illusion of control, connect with a higher power, open to your body's innate intelligence, shift from portrait mode to taking in a sunset. When this notion of surrender remains in relationship with its opposite (i.e. effort or zoomed-in) it takes on a whole different quality than when it’s understood as standing alone. I am reminded of the wisdom in yogic philosophy that describes effort and surrender as two wings of the same bird. This is a nondualistic approach. Rather than choosing between “this” or “that”, nondualism teaches both/and. In the ancient language of sanskrit, nondualism is advaita, which translates as “not two” (Shila, 2022). Nondualism is at the core of many ancient wisdom and contemplative practices in regard to how we relieve suffering.
For many folks, the concept of surrender (or any of its synonyms) triggers a reaction, perhaps from fear of the unknown, frustration as it is interpreted through the left-brain and its desire for logic and linear-reasoning, or strong aversion as something internally is being protected and blocked with the illusion of control (and “surrender” threatens that control). Reclaiming a relationship with surrender in a way that feels safe-enough and accessible is vital. Understanding how to be with conflict and reduce harm is essential for increasing the sense of safety.
There is so much wisdom that awaits in this body when we can surrender to the present moment as it is. While vacating the body or blocking/avoiding sensations or experiences is a necessary and wise survival mechanism, when we remain in that blocked state or are unable to re-enter the somatic experience of the body after being ejected, we remain disconnected from a deep knowing that we all have access to.
Review and Summarize:
Lastly, as I reviewed my papers and projects from my classes in this program, I felt immense value in creating a bit of a summary to highlight what I have learned and what I have been curious about along the way. That feels like a good next step.
References
Linklater, R. (2016). Decolonizing trauma work: Indigenous stories and Strategies. Langara College.
Schore, J. R., & Schore, A. N. (2014). Regulation theory and affect regulation psychotherapy: A clinical primer. Smith College Studies in Social Work, 84(2–3), 178–195.
Shila. (2022, March 10). Advaita Vedanta explained - philosophy of non-dualism. VedicFeed. https://vedicfeed.com/advaita-vedanta/
Siegel, D. J. (2017). Mind: A journey to the heart of being human. W.W. Norton & Company.
Siegel, D. J. (2023). Intraconnected: Mwe (me + we) as the integration of self, identity, and belonging. W. W. Norton & Company.