I have been working on letting go of some deeply ingrained through patterns that leave me in judgement and anger towards my family. To step out of the trauma of childhood, we need to embrace re-parenting ourselves as adults. It’s no one else’s job to heal you. It’s your duty to create the life you desire, and there is no one to blame. As I have made some major progress in this area this summer, this blog post is my healing journey from reiki table to real life.
I recall laying on Christine Wushke’s table in her basement studio/clinic space in Okotoks on July 10. I was there for a reiki session, intrigued by her expertise in the fascial system and how that would influence her take on facilitating a reiki session. I had reached out to set up this appointment because of my reoccurring struggle with anger and frustration towards some family members. I desperately wanted to show love and compassion and patience, and I knew I needed to accept and allow others to be who and where they are, yet this “knowing” was not enough to effect my repetitive reactions and thoughts. For my own sake, and for others, I knew I needed to heal whatever was blocking me from pure love, compassion and acceptance.
The session started with me laying on my back, eyes closed, and focusing on my breath. I was asked what it is I came in for, and I explained my above confusion and struggle. I added that I am not happy with judging others for not being “strong enough” to find health and happiness.
She repeated back what she heard, and then put it into a phrase of “I accept others as they are.” She repeated that phrase softly a few times, and asked me what, if anything, I noticed in my body as I heard those words.
I recall feeling my energy build in my throat and jaw, and a sensation of my teeth slightly clenched and my jaw lifting up. I explained this to Christine, and she then assisted me in exaggerating the movement slightly while repeating the phrase a few times. While allowing this movement to happen and being so open and curious to what would arise, I suddenly had a visual of little Marin, at age 4 or 5, putting up her dukes ready to fight.
I shared this visual with Christine, along with the memory of being a feisty child who literally put my fists up on several occasions ready to fight for what I wanted and for those I loved. On one occasion, at age 4, I saw my older brother (age 10) being picked on, and I ran over and stood in between him and his peers, fists up and ready to rumble.
Through insightful questions and empathetic acknowledgement of what I said, Christine guided me into a scene in my childhood, and a recollection of feeling like I was needed to protect my siblings and mother. As the adult now, I tapped into a feeling of hurt, loneliness, sadness and dis-ease in the belief that I didn’t have the role models and support that I needed and wanted when I was young.
Christine asked me to imagine the role models I would have appreciated as a young girl, and to invite them into my imagined childhood scenario. In that moment, I pictured myself as an adult, my hubby Andrew as an adult, and my step-mom Karen. I placed us in the scene in my Port Coquitlam home. The wise and calm energy we would bring into the otherwise chaotic environment. The ability to make my dad laugh and keep him grounded, to support my mom and inspire her to make positive changes for her health and well-being, and the ability to connect with little me and gift her the guidance and heartfelt mentorship she so badly desired from a young age.
I watched this imaginary scene play out, and witnessed little Marin put down her fists and open her heart. She would have been so excited and thrilled to travel time and see who she became as an adult. I was filled with joy and peace.
Christine asked me where little Marin would like to rest in my body now, and I said “my heart.” I watched little Marin, with a smile on her face, curl up into my heart, fully supported, no need to fight anymore. She then asked me what word would describe what I am feeling now, and I responded “integrated.”
Since that session, I have felt an overwhelming sense of peace and acceptance. I still have habits and triggers but they don’t feel as strong as they did before. My inner-child is at rest, no longer angry and fighting, no longer waiting for others to be stronger or for someone to show up and lead by example.
We all have wounds and thorns from growing up, and it is our duty as adults to reflect and hold space for ourselves to heal and integrate these various parts of who we are back into the wholeness of our being. While body work, therapy and a coaching program is a vital and efficient way to support this process, we can also be doing things on a daily basis.
Dr. Nicole is a holistic psychologist, and she says; “Re-parenting is giving ourselves what we didn't receive in childhood. These are the things parents are supposed to model for their children. Most parents are unaware that these are part of the parenting process or did not receive these themselves. As adults, it is now our responsibility to teach them to ourselves.”
She then goes through a list of basic tools and skills that parents can be teaching to their children, yet when these skills are missed, it is our duty as adults to teach to ourselves. This list includes:
Accountability
Discipline
Emotional Regulation and Connection
Self Awareness
Self Reflection
Ability to be Present
Of course parents aren’t perfect. Parents are simply imperfect humans who had children. There is no special skill bestowed upon them because they get pregnant. And to make matters even more complex, these imperfect humans also become sleep deprived and overwhelmed with the increase in responsibility. It is not easy!! I have absolutely no anger towards my parents for raising me the way they did. While I can see the ways that my parents influenced my mental health struggles, I can also see how they did the best that they could with the information they had, and there was so much that was amazing about my upbringing. I am not going to ignore or pretend everything was perfect, and I am also not going to blame anyone or take on the role of the victim.
Re-parenting ourselves is a process of choosing one habit at a time, and creating an action plan around a daily practice to ensure we are doing what we can to shift.
If you want further support in your re-parenting process, reach out! Whether we work together one on one, or you jump in on an online program, or you simply get a few tools and resources to practice, we all deserve the right to live this life to the best of our ability, and I would be honored to play a role in your health and well-being.
And big thanks to Christine Wushke for being one of my mentors and support during this gift of life. xo