We are the architects of our own reality as the way we think, feel and act are curating and reinforcing a way of being, relating with and perceiving the world within and around us. How simple and empowering it is to take responsibility of our own existence with the notion that we are the author of our own story and by changing our thoughts we can change everything.
While this concept is true, it is not the whole truth, and, in fact, is quite misleading. It is vital to recognize that some (if not most) of your thoughts are not consciously chosen by you and cannot simply be ignored, pushed away, inversed and repeated incessantly, or negated out of existence. We must get curious about why there are certain thoughts that seem to intrude or take over our being, where our impulsive thoughts come from, and how we need to utilize our breath to expand the space between stimulus and reaction to get access to a conscious response.
why there are certain thoughts that seem to intrude or take over our being
To truly take responsibility as the architect of our own reality, we must first acknowledge and understand that we have been programmed through experience to survive and adapt in the environment we were born into. These programmed survival skills are based in relationship. They are the coping adaptations that we developed to get attention from our caregiver, to create a sense of safety in an otherwise imperfect and dangerous environment, to get our needs met, or to handle the potential life-threat or confusion of feeling disconnected from a parental figure. How we perceive ourselves, others and the world around us is intimately linked to what we think others think about us, and this triggers different context dependent rulesets, or neural pathway hubs, or moods/parts that we developed at a young age as a protective strategy.
95% of what you think today, you also thought yesterday. So yes we can slowly consciously choose new thoughts and repeat them until they stick, and that is an important part of this process. Yet, that still leaves a huge gap as our subconscious system is a powerhouse and anytime our nervous system detects danger signals outweighing safety signals we revert to our reptilian threat detecting system that shunts access to higher cortical processes and leaves us repeating the thoughts and actions that are familiar and impulsive.
For anyone who is familiar with the feeling of alarm or the cyclical thoughts of anxiety that seem to be unexplained by what is actually happening in the present moment, this is the result of unresolved separation and ruptures of connection from a parental figure in childhood. Such a rupture without repair feels life threatening, and what a gift it is that our psyche can adapt by curating a story to make sense of a scary moment. Without the resolution or understanding of how this impacts us for the rest of our lives, these moments in time become what blocks us from love and connection and keep us repeating the same habits and cycles that we have deemed as being detrimental to our well being.
Where our impulSive thoughts come from
In the past, when something was too fast, too soon, or too much, and subsequently was not supported, validated or resolved with the help of a parental figure, that version of who we were in that moment became “frozen in time” and stored in our body. The intent is to always remember that moment of pain and cope with it in the way that “worked”. This is the birth of our anxious thinking that tries to mediate the pain and suffering of uncomfortable bodily sensations by rattling through all possible worst case scenarios, or our self critic that demeans and reprimands yourself because recognizing our parental figure as incapable or unsafe would have been too overwhelming to comprehend. This is the birth of the inner bully, the addict, people pleaser, the impulse to push or run away, our compulsion to play small or dominate (to name a few). These are young parts within that wisely learned to cope with an overwhelming situation or environment by taking control in a way that proved to dissolve, diminish, or momentarily distract from the danger or alarm. And what these little ones need now is the loving attention, reassurance and validation from YOU, the wise compassionate adult (or Higher Self) within.
how we need to utilize our breath to expand the space between stimulus and reaction to get access to a conscious response
The path forward is to repair these internal ruptures in the moments when they come screaming to the surface. When we feel the alarm of anxiety, the familiar self-talk of a limiting belief, or the compulsive urge to act out a habit that we no longer wish to continue, we must pause to create space to feel, listen and soothe ourselves.
The first step is to recognize that these intense alterations of emotion show up in a change in your breathing pattern and an increase in your arterial C02 levels. As your C02 levels increase, your body reacts with a “do something!” signal that is felt viscerally. Depending on your C02 tolerance, this slight spike in alarm could quickly shift from fear and anxiety into panic. Hyperventilation comes quickly when the breath is fast and chest-dominant as muscles tighten preparing for action. However, another possibility if the state of alarm remains, or is already so familiar and quickly leads to hopelessness, resulting in hypoventilation and symptoms of depression and dissociation.
C02 itself is the mediator of the stress reaction. A few calm, slow breaths with gentle breath holds at the top and/or bottom of in and out is all it takes to rebalance your blood chemistry and guide your body from alarm to safety. And to resolve the triggers that are stored in the body, we must turn towards the alarm and send it the love, reassurance and validation it didn’t receive in the moment it was imprinted into your system. These are the moments that we forgot how to breathe and shifted into an automatic reaction of bearing down, holding, bracing, and controlling. We learned to control our emotions and push away from pain by diminishing our breath. Overtime, our body adapted to that along with a pattern of dysfunctional breathing which became locked into our system, maintaining balance in the imbalance.
When we can recognize that every part of our psyche is there to help us survive, with an intention of protection, we can turn towards our impulsive thoughts in a new way. Rather than living from the neck-up, trying to change thoughts at the levels of thoughts, we need to practice opening and feeling from the neck-down, where these impulsive thoughts have roots and are coming from.
Your thoughts do create your reality. With experience you will come to understand the wisdom in Stpehn Porges words (creator of Polyvagal Theory) “story follows state.” Step back and notice how your thoughts, perceptions, mood and affect changes throughout the day and how that is connected to how you are breathing and moving (or not breathing and not moving!). First pause what you are doing, thinking or saying and turn towards your body with nurturance. Engage in conscious breath holds in between slow and rhythmic breaths to get anchored with the assist of balancing your C02 (and thereby increasing your oxygen intake). And then spend a few moments just feeling and moving (or engaging in conscious stillness to notice what is moving all on its own). Feel to heal. Your body needs to feel your loving attention so that the alarms turn off and our whole brain comes back online. Only then should we get into addressing what needs our attention externally. With breathwork we we can help our body remember how to breathe as we did before we learned to try to control everything, and then our thoughts change all on their own. Change the way you breathe to change the world around you and within you.