"The goal of the practice is not perfection, it's to be a compassionate mess" - Kristin Neff
Authentic self-compassion is only accessible in the nervous system state where more safety vs danger is being perceived. When we are in a survival state, and don't have immediate access to self-compassion, the voice and stance of criticism, judgement, or hopelessness will appear strong and convincing.
Researcher Kristin Neff formulated three research-driven steps to access self-compassion. They are:
1. Mindfulness,
2. Common Humanity, and
3. Self-Kindness.
However, depending on how intense your internal experience is, fleshing out the mindfulness step with more clear structure and guidelines is helpful. A reminder I often come back to when I am noticing an internal experience of discomfort and some resistance to being compassionate towards it is: most emotions only last 90 seconds when you are able to allow yourself to feel it.
For this reason, I developed a step-by-step mindfulness support that increases curiosity and a sense of being relational with the body, making it easier to reach that 90 second mark.
BRITA:
Breathe
Recognize
Include and Identify
Track It
Address It
Integrating these two models, the first four steps of BRITA could provide more space and time to downregulate and open our system to receive more safety signals during the Mindfulness step. And the final step of BRITA: Address It, can be tagged on to the end of Neff’s steps as a way to expand what could be beneficial depending on the context you find yourself in. Let’s give it a try.
1.Mindfulness - notice what you are feeling in your body and acknowledge the state of discomfort, confusion, judgement, suffering and/or dysregulation. Place your hands on your body to offer loving touch and focus on your breath, guiding it into a smooth and soft rhythm with your attuned touch.
B.R.I.T.A
B - BREATHE: Focus on your rhythm and gently guide each breath to be smoother, softer, and more buoyant than the last. If struggling to slow your breath down, try box breath, humming, gentle touch and rocking side to side, or a double pump inhale, hold and slow release through pursed lips, sigh or hum (or any other technique you find supports in accessing calm).
Hold the hand of your breath as you move deeper to BE WITH whatever is arising in the NOW.
R - RECOGNIZE with loving presence: Turn towards and acknowledge the state you are in or experience you are having. This creates space for relationality as you notice, name and witness what arises, rather than being blended or taken over by it. Toggle back to full attention on your breath any time you feel a narrowing or lose connection to a spacious breath. When possible or ready to do so, go deeper and meet the raw sensation beneath the emotion of protection to interrupt the cycle of limiting beliefs.
I - INCLUDE & IDENTIFY with curiosity and compassion: What sensations are readily available to be felt? Where in your body and/or mind do you notice the sensation(s) or activation?
With as much descriptive detail as possible, how would you label and describe what you are feeling? How does it broadcast or express from your bodymind? Does it have a shape? Is it clear, fuzzy, empty, deep or heavy? Is there an ache, a numbness, or stuck-ness? Is it dull, sharp, mild, intense, squeezing in, collapsing in, pushing out, dense, subtle or loud? Notice and then notice more.
T - TRACK IT with mindful observance and non-attachment: Be with and feel the sensations unconditionally. Witness change with calm abiding. Observe without judgement as the sensations arise, move, shift, pulse, tingle, grow, transform, open, close and travel through your body. Can you sustain curiosity, awe, wonder and love as you create space around whatever it is you are feeling? Just witness the natural flow without an agenda, without manipulating it or trying to fix it. Send your breath to any areas of your body that need support. Allow these sensations to transform back into their true nature; energy in motion.
Let your body shake and move, or actively get moving to support your body in releasing the surge of energy that may have built up in this activation.
*By walking through the first four steps Breathe - Recognize - Include and Identify - Track it, we have given ourselves the space and capacity to regulate our nervous system and regain access to higher cortical functions in the brain. This is how we access space from our struggle so we can turn towards it with care, courage and wisdom, otherwise we are trying to fight or coerce our survival system from within our survival system. Now continue on with Neff’s final two steps.
2. Common Humanity - acknowledge that this is a normal part of the human experience and you are not alone in what you are feeling.
(i.e., “I am not the only one who feels this way. This is a common human experience. I am not alone in this feeling.”)
3. Self Kindness - open the door for some more safe and connected energy by using statements that provide kindness towards yourself.
(i.e., “May I remember to be patient with myself. May I remember to breathe slowly and allow myself space and time to feel this so it can move through me. May I remember that it is okay to feel many different things at once.”)
*Depending on the context, here are some further ideas to explore after completing the self-compassion process
A - ADDRESS IT:
Assess Basic Needs: example "HALT" (am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired?)
Bilateral Stimulation (physically with movement and emotionally with holding/including opposites)
If this activation arose during a conversation with someone. Now is a good time to re-enter that conversation and share what you experienced. This is an opportunity to apologize if needed and re-engage from a place of calm connection and conscious communication.
Give this a try before you feel activated so you have some familiarity with the steps. And then next time you notice you are dysregulated or struggling with a sensation, thought or emotion, turn inwards and walk your way to authentic self-compassion.
xo Marin