Although I was quite sick to start this week, I also felt excited and ready to do a deeper dive into my psyche. For several weeks I have been looking forward to my craniosacral and breathwork sessions scheduled for this past Thursday, and they did not disappoint. I wrote for two hours Thursday night to capture the happenings in these two interconnected and spiritual journeys (i.e. craniosacral and breathwork) and am still unpacking and processing the insights that emerged. While it may be a bit premature to share what happened, I also believe there is value in sharing while it’s raw, inviting you into the process of integration.
For those of you who have not experienced or do not know much about craniosacral work or breathwork, much of what I share below may sound quite bizarre. I am not trained in craniosacral therapy, and have only experienced this specific modality a handful of times. When I had my first session with Linda White last Spring at Healing Tree I knew she was someone I would continue to work with for some time. Every session I have experienced with her has been profoundly supportive.
I am trained and facilitate breathwork and have experienced sessions more times than I can count. Dawn Zentner is a breathwork practitioner I have known for many years, and while I have been honored to support her in some breathwork journeys, this was my first time being on the receiving end. You can find her facilitating by looking her up on instagram or at The Practice Calgary.
While there are obvious differences in these therapies, there are also lots they share in common. They both have the potential to be deeply spiritual, and grant us access to what is happening beneath the iceberg of our thoughts, habits, beliefs and behavior. They are somatic therapies that turn towards sensations, visuals, reactions, impulses, and thoughts with a curiosity that leads to deeper levels of awareness that we don’t normally have access to. A glaring difference is that craniosacral is facilitated by regulating/calming the body, while this form of breathwork seeks to consciously activate the body. Another aspect of these experiences that is unique for me is the fact that I have access to many tools that allow me to collaborate quite a bit in these sessions. I will happily elaborate, engage in discourse or explore possible meanings with anyone who feels compelled to reach out regarding these two powerful experiences I had on Thursday.
Before I move further, I must also acknowledge that I recognize that this project has a strong element of personal development within it, and I am mindful that this teeters towards White Saviorism when there is not an equally present element of active engagement and support in dismantling the systems that are founded on colonial and racist rhetoric, beliefs and actions (Cargle et al., 2020). I humbly acknowledge that I can do more to support and show up for equity deserving people and communities in our/their advocacy for creating change, and I am sharing this now as a way to hold myself accountable to this vital part of the work. I also acknowledge that I have needed to do this deeper dive into my psyche to understand the grip systemic racism and the history of colonialism has in my psyche, as I believe that by knowing how and experiencing liberation internally, we have a structure and framework to understand how to engage in liberation externally. The work may begin with personal development, but that is certainly not where it remains nor where it ends.
The Magic of Thursday
As I prepared Thursday morning for my craniosacral and breathwork sessions, I felt excited to have loving care and support in my exploration. I reminded myself to be open to what arises while also being clear on what I was curious to illuminate, both for my own direction and to share with the practitioners I would be receiving support from. Along with that, I had a few points of interest to weave in….
One of the clear intentions I had was to discover more about my impulse to “power over.” The way this landed for me Thursday morning was a desire to discern between “power over” and the “right use of power”.
As I desire to have my internal system operate more like a holacracy, rather than a traditional hierarchy, I found myself curious to explore and discover the qualities or elements of my internal system’s “constitution” that will serve as guidance and support in my sense of Identity.
I also noted a deep curiosity to understand more about my sensitivity to discomfort, how OCD may be playing a role in this, and how “power over” gets wielded as a reaction to discomfort
Lastly, I am curious to turn towards the parts of me that have used power over or have been exiled by power over, and to reconnect with these parts from Self.
I imagine that as you read through what transpired in these two sessions you will see how these intentions impacted my journey, and some wisdom that could be landed on. I intend to make those connections more obvious in coming weeks, but for now, let’s move into the unfiltered reflection from Thursday night as I captured the days events…
What a day! I feel myself hesitate as I sit down to attempt to capture all of the amazing insights and experiences today brought to fruition. What a gift it is to have loving support to help me move deep into my psyche and remain steady in the spaces of connections that require more time, patience and curiosity.
With Linda, she was excited to hear about my practicum project and where I was at with it. She said she had been thinking about me, and I felt honored to cross her mind like that. I shared the pieces I had written above, including some context about being mostly cognitive with the project thus far, and having moments of confusion. She picked up on that and after I had shared she asked me about the confusion. I shared more about recognizing how big this project was and how I needed to narrow down what I was looking for, or my trailheads to simplify the process, as well as recognizing that I needed to take more time to cultivate safety for myself rather than assume I could just close my eyes and go to what felt “big and scary.” That reminded me of the black hole and the inner flailer, so I spoke to that as well and the concept that colonialism enacts a violent shattering and separation of self, which is what I assumed this black hole and flailer were connected to.
She took her time to help me feel safe and grounded on her massage table, as she gently held my feet. My lower body felt as though it wasn’t present, while my upper body twinged and twanged and twitched with energy pulsing. I patiently sent love and welcoming to my legs, and around the same time Linda and I both noted that my legs felt more present. My feet however still felt cold and flat, and I mentioned this to Linda so she could bring more attention there too. She placed her hands at the soles of my feet and within a few moments I felt them melting, warming, relaxing. I also felt a slight movement in my feet and legs, similar to walking or cycling, and as I named that, I saw the visual of a figure 8. Linda asked me what that represented for me, and I felt into a cycle. I then saw the figure 8 as one part being in the present and the other part being in the past. A cycle that can reinforce stagnancy and beliefs, but also can be the catalyst for change as we update/change our present that will influence our past, or if we reframe the past that can change the way we show up in the present.
As I felt very calm, relaxed and connected, I said I was intentionally turning towards the black hole. As I saw it, I felt neutral towards it. This ominous aspect of my psyche that I often felt so much resistance to turn towards or experienced with overwhelm, appeared with ease and didn’t evoke any charge within me. Linda validated this experience as meaning I was very much in my Higher Self and differentiated from this part of me that I often experience as being blended with. I walked in it, around it, and if anything it just felt ominously innocuous.
As I remained in this black hole, I noted that it is a vastly different experience to be in there by choice versus my usual experience of being blended and tossed in there. That had me curious to explore if there was a part trapped or stuck in there. The black hole began to shift and change to be seen and experienced as a fluid, sticky tar like substance that the flailer was stuck in. It dawned on me that this part that flails was not lost and falling in a black hole, but was being held down and trapped, “power over”, by this black goo. I commented about how I realize now that this part is being held captive with power over energy, and when something touches this within me I then react by also wielding power over as a protective mechanism.
Linda asked me something along the lines of: “Rather than fighting ‘power over’ with ‘power over’, what else might you do?
I love this question so much. The part of me stuck in the goo seemed to get quite activated by this question as it appeared to be the key to her escape, and yet she didn’t know the answer and felt the pressure to have an answer. This evoked what felt like the beginning trickle of activation in my belly moving up towards my heart, a sensation that felt familiar yet subdued enough for me to have space around it, noticing it. It felt like I was moving towards being blended with the part that is trapped, yet I was still grounded and in a critical mass of safety to also feel very much still in my Higher Self. While I didn’t have an answer to her question yet, I have kept that in my back pocket and will come back to that later on. I reminded this part of me that she doesn’t need to have the answer, and its not her job to figure that out, that I (the higher Self) will answer that. I sensed that the part that was trapped was not able to leave with her or my own agency at tht point. So I turned towards the goo with the assumption that it was holding her down and I needed to get its permission or become relational with it so I could go deeper. As I did that, I sensed there was no ill-will coming from it. I sensed that it was doing the job of protection. With the experience I have in this work, I have learned to revere my protectors as a vital step in the relationship building process. So I did. I also apologized to it for being scared of it and not seeing that it was just trying to protect. Checking in to see what else it might want to do in my system if it didn’t have to protect this part the way it does, I sensed it as a mass of intelligence, and its ability to shapeshift as a matrix of interconnection.
I was then able to move in deeper and reconnect with the young part it had been restraining. I recognized in that moment that this little one, 4-ish years old, had been flailing and this intelligent goo rained down on her to stabilize my system. Why had she begun flailing? I don’t have a clear answer for that question yet. She was scared and lonely and confused, yet within seconds of my Higher Self moving in, she opened herself to my presence. I checked in with this big terrorized energy she had been holding onto, flailing in, and felt 50% of it was not mine, and instead was inherited. I began to pass that energy back through my family lineage, and heard many of my ancestor’s remark that some of it is theirs but around 50% is also not theirs, as they kept passing it back.
I sat with her for a while, taught her how to breathe into her central axis, and reminded her several times that she’s not alone anymore. I heard another part chime in momentarily that I better keep her on a short leash or be ready to restrain her. As if this little one was a wild animal that parts of my system were fearful of. I reminded my system that I am here with this little one, and yes she will need some updating, and some guidance, and some learning, but that’s okay, I am here.
I have been reading chapters from the not-yet released book The Neurobiology of Connection by Natureza Gabriel (The Neurobiology of Connection | Natureza Gabriel | Substack), and he recently shared some key aspects of infant development that are vital for the healthy growth of a human nervous system. Part of this is the recognition that human beings require their first 18 months out of the womb to be treated as similar to womb time, in the sense of close connection swaddled on their caregivers front body (0-9 months) and on their back body (9-18 months). With these images fresh in my mind, and my knowing that I did not receive that as an infant, I then imagined a 0-9 month old version of me on my chest, a 9-18 month old me on my back, a toddler me on my lap, and this 4 year old close by ready to hold my hand in between bouts of wandering and playing. Young parts of me that I have contacted through previous spiritual sessions like this one, yet this presentation of how they nested on my body was a new way for me to imagine how I can care for these young versions of me that need my attuned secure attachment.
With that, the session came to an end.
In the afternoon, my wonderful friend Dawn came over to support me in a breathwork journey. I described my morning session and the fascinating and surprising pieces that had and were unfolding. My intention for breathwork was to continue with integration as well as continue with the inquiry around noticing the impulse to fight “power over” with “power over” and what could be done in that space instead, yet also wanting to be mindful to not engage in this question cognitively.
As we began, Dawn set the space with prayer, calling in supports and guides, reminding me of my wisdom and to trust my breath. Within a few minutes I began noting sensations that were standing out in my awareness, specifically a U-shaped intense energy in my lower jaw, surrounding my face. As Dawn placed her hands on the space beneath my collarbones, I felt my energy ground down into my body and the intensity in my face began to soften. As my breath rhythm picked up in pace and volume, my spine began to rock like a wave in a building oceanic storm. Dawn invited me to soften that motion and notice what happens. I immediately felt more awareness travel through my body. I felt more embodied and connected in general. I also noticed twitches above my right eye, at my eyebrow, and it moved in a bit of circular pattern around my eye. It felt like an entrance, a portal, I said.
As I described what I was noticing, I did so with a gesture of my right hand into a strong fist that rested above my heart space. I became curious about the force or intensity of that gesture, and invited my fist to soften as well, and to pulse gently in the rhythm of my breath and the now soothing movement of my spine. Within a few moments I had a visual of a strong and violent hand thumping down on my heart like a loud drum beat or the violent yet life-saving act of CPR. Dawn asked what that represented for me and I spoke of “coming back” after a heart had stopped. Dawn asked me how that made me feel and as she did I was struck with sadness and began to cry. I felt the terror of a violent moment right before a heart stopping, and the violent act of resuscitation to bring the heart back. I recognized the beauty and intention of care and support in this resuscitation, yet such sadness that that is what so many people experience.
I noted that this feels like moments in time that we learn to engage in “power over” to fix, to heal, to save lives, and because it works or it worked once, it also perpetuates violence. I felt as though I was experiencing both the one who is being resuscitated and the one doing the resuscitating, and I felt a similar wound that was being acted out from as well as being implanted to be carried forward and passed on.
Dawn helped me tune into the warmth of my heart and the safety and support that is here now, and I felt an opportunity to update my system with “another way” to engage in these moments that appear to require violent resuscitation. I imagined the many moments in my life that I wielded “power over” and I recognized that was a learned behavior and was protecting the wound inside of me that experienced the shock of a heart-stopping moment. I began to flow warmth and love into those memories. This was less about seeing clear scenes or staying in one place, and more about feeling the energy of “power over” throughout my life and infusing this unconditionally loving energy into the space that is there.
Dawn asked me what I can bring into those spaces where I sense “power over” wanting to fight “power over”, and my first responses came: patience and choice. As I felt the nurturing rhythm of my breath, the soothing pulse of my movement, and a gentle interconnected version of CPR resuscitating my heart, I also noted that in this space there is trust - trusting in the intelligence that is there, that we are, that the earth is. In moments where I sense “power over” energy in someone else, or the discomfort inside myself that had been historically met with “power over” to fix, avoid, or inoculate what felt unstable, instead I can now invite in the re-membering to open up to the higher intelligence that is within me, within others, in the space between, and I can collaborate there, rather than charge forward as if I have to do it on my own.
I felt my awareness begin to shift towards imagining myself in the womb, continuing to vibrate with this powerful loving message of support and care, patience and trust, and then sending that same understanding back through my lineage. I imagined, without detail, moments in time that there were experiences of shock that “stopped someone’s heart” and the learned behavior of violence to fix it or defend it or turn away from it, and I sent warmth and love everywhere. Again, I was asked what is in that space rather than power over, and as I felt into it, I said Choice. I sensed this melting of energy flowing in so many directions, compared to what previously had felt stagnant and stuck. This led me to also name that this is a space to see and recognize stuck energy. We wield power over when energy is stuck. Lastly, I named this as a healing space.
Dawn then asked me if there was anywhere in my body that I noticed anything that felt like stuck energy. I scanned through and noted a point at the back of my head on the left, and while my legs were currently supported with a bolster, I have recurring tension and stuck energy in my low back and would like to remove the support of the bolster to see what happens there. Once lying flat on the ground, I felt movement in my spine, rocking up and down, and a side to side in my pelvis. Dawn offered to hold my legs to mimic or ‘take over’ this motion so I could see what happens. She lifted my legs and I coached her to find the motion that matched what I was feeling. Within seconds I felt emotion, tears, and soon after could name that I was feeling fear. The words to describe it came out as “I have lost my feet. I have lost the ground.” She brought my legs down to regulate for a few breaths and offered to do that again if I felt inclined to explore. We tried again but this time with keeping my legs on the ground while creating the same motion. Now it felt similar, but more like I was walking, very grounded, rather than free falling. And then back into stillness. I noted that as a fascinating experience to move through. I felt this steady, always present part of me as being in all three experiences of free falling, walking and stillness, and this felt profound. What had felt scary and separate now felt normalized and just a part of the experience of living.
I noted that my mind was going to potentially the first separation wound, when Source energy differentiated to create life. And the many moments in one’s life, for example, exiting the womb, where there was a shock of separation and a desperate action to “make it stop.” These intense moments of separation that could feel like momentary free falling, yet I now felt the continuity and the cycle as free falling was simply a part of the journey.
The figure 8 appeared again. I began to feel as if I were free falling, while also very aware that I was laying on the ground and safe. I also noticed that it felt like there was a well of space around my heart. Something I had never felt quite like this before. Previous journeys and experiences had led me to drop some deep protection around my heart, and occasionally feel that my heart is wide open, raw and ready for connection, yet not much nuance in between those two extremes. Now I felt this space around my heart. It had a protective energy to it yet without being a block or wall of any kind, quite the opposite in fact.
The free fall stopped feeling like a free fall so much as simply a leg of the journey. As if I was “falling” down one side of the figure 8 and trusted that the cycle would continue and would carry me up the other side. Nothing to flail about. Despite this knowing, I noticed my body begin to tense up as the feeling of free fall continued. I had to bring conscious attention and reassurance and guidance to my body to relax and allow.
And we concluded there. A short debrief and sharing of appreciation for each other. And now I sit here, writing, trying to capture it all. What a gift.
References:
Cargle, R., Hayes, S., & Plummer, S. (2020, June 30). SWCAREs: Social work so white W Rachel Cargle. YouTube. https://youtu.be/WA5ZwkfHLCA?si=3Y566IvNxRY2d5j5