Year two of my MSW program started at the beginning of this month. Our first class of the spring semester was Social Justice & Theory, taught by Professor Yahya El-Lahib. On our first day of class, Yahya said that he will know he has done his job in this class if we all leave with more questions than answers. The timing of this class, with this professor and his skillset in facilitating, feels like synchronicity. The support and reminders I received over these past few weeks were what I needed to go a layer deeper and spiral a level up. I see myself more clearly now than I ever have before, I am embodying qualities more fully, and I certainly do have many questions that I recognize require space, grappling, and collective dialogue.
As I sit here gathering my thoughts, I feel into my intention for writing this morning. There are multiple threads at play, all important pieces to encapsulate the context and nuance of what I am experiencing and perceiving. Too many threads to speak to in a blog post, as I recognize more and more that without relational dialogue, I am creating an island of my perspective and my understanding, which is valid and might be interesting, but is inherently lacking valuable and important input, growth and perspectives from others. I am questioning how I want to present myself, how to represent others, and how to share learnings, insights and quandaries while remaining open and fluid to new information as it arises and the relational field of others' lived experiences. What I am feeling into is recognizing that the more embodied and present I am, the less solid or confident I am in writing down anything that may appear as “matter of fact” because as soon as I observe what I want to share it already begins to transform.
While I feel tempted to go into detail, the way I would if I were conversing in person with someone who wants to hear what is shapeshifting inside of me and what is influencing that shapeshifting, that feels misaligned in this context of a blog post. Perhaps some blog posts in the future would be better served as recorded conversations, maybe getting back into podcasting, as the relational piece of information sharing, learning and integrating requires more than one voice being heard. This brings me to a big thread that I feel compelled to speak to. Throughout this class I see and feel clearly the danger in Universalization. My experience, what I need, what works for me, etc., cannot be used as a Universal template for everyone. I am reminded of one of the inquiries I engaged in throughout the writing of my book several years ago, the seeking of a universal template of sorts that is the key to wellness or health or happiness. This drive to learn and grow as an individual, and then use those learnings and insights to support others comes from a genuine place, yet it is deeply misguided in many ways. Paradoxically, there is potentially a universal template that appears when we hold space for this complexity.
As I feel into that, I also recognize that what I do believe is that we all could benefit from embodying Love for ourselves and for each other. However, how we do that, what that looks like, and what might be in the way is vastly different for each person or group of people. This is where the concept of nondualism is extremely supportive. There are multiple truths, and this is not an exploration of finding the one right way. The more we can hold space for multiple truths, multiple lived experiences, and multiple ways of being and knowing, the closer we get to this essence of Love.
Throughout this class I came to realize that I have a strong reaction of discomfort when I am in the presence of what is being portrayed as “different” than me. I look for what makes us the same, I feel our interconnectedness, our one-ness (which is important). However, my lack of skill to hold space and honor difference blocks me from truly knowing and loving the person or people I am with. It erects a divide between us. How can I truly know you if I can’t sit with and honor what makes you different than me? When I notice this discomfort within me, I have an opportunity to ground myself and remind myself of the importance to practice remaining present and open to learn and know that difference is beautiful and vital to our existence.
I was watching a show a few days ago about farming, and they spoke to the importance of maintaining diversity of plants in the fields. The fields that are homogenized lose their vitality and eventually the soil becomes weak and will not produce growth. The soil that maintains diverse plant life is nourished by this diversity, while the interconnection of the roots supports the ecosystem above and below ground. I find this to be a wonderful analogy to support why diversity of people, cultures and lived experiences is vital for the health, nourishment and vitality of our humanity.
As I sit with this supportive analogy, it reminds me of the parallel to our inner experience as well. To truly be compassionate towards ourselves, we must honor our inner diversity. More specifically, the parts within that we may struggle with are to be radically included and loved so that they receive the nourishment they need to transform (if transformation is what happens organically after inclusion).
“When we stop trying to fix or get rid of our Parts, and instead listen to them with curiosity and compassion, we create a space where healing can happen.”
- Michelle Glass (2016)
“Demons do not occur in a vacuum; they are often inherited. The way to change things is to address the underlying issue, through feeding our demons what they actually need instead of what they seem to want.”
- Tsultrim Allione (2008) cited by Jenniffer Mullan (2023), p. 12
This leads me to another thread that has been integral to what is happening within me and around me. I am questioning my perspective on mental health and the (over)use of self-regulation. Yahya pointed out some literature and ideas for me to explore, including sanism and the work of anti-sanism. While this concept has been around for a long time, it has minimal research or literature due to its lack of attention in academia.
In an article titled Mental Health, Mentalism and Sanism (2015) by Jennifer M Poole and Tania Jivraj, they explore the history of the Mad Movement and the underlying message from these folks that rather than focusing on mental health stigma as the problem, we need to get down deeper to the root of the problem, which is a cultural and systemic perspective that vilifies “abnormal” mental health as something that depicts “something is wrong” and is often mediated with medication or institutionalization.
Additionally, they recognize that mental health issues often plague the individual with being perceived as unstable, dangerous and unpredictable. Self-regulation, as it is often taught, is a tool wielded to teach the person to take responsibility for their dysregulation, and an underlying message may be internalized regarding the goal to “fit in” and function in society as it is. It is important to note here that some reading this might have an automatic dualistic reaction (as this is an inherent quality of an imperialist, capitalist, white supremacist culture) that anyone who is mentally unwell either wants help to “fix it” or is so unwell they don’t realize they need help. Or perhaps there is a reactive thought that says, if society was to accept people who are mentally “unwell” and different from the “normal mentally sound” person then everything about how we function together would need to change. I have also had the thought that anyone who has mental health struggles are inherently out of balance and would benefit from interventions that lead to balance. So how is this line of thinking perpetuating a misconception of mental health?
The work of those engaged in the sanism or anti-sanism movement are not trying to advocate for a one-size fits all solution, and of course there will be scenarios when access to medication or education or more support is needed or asked for, but that is certainly not the case for everyone who has mental health “abnormalities”. Just because someone sought help at one point in time does not mean that person should be viewed as weak or less than or unpredictable as a part of their being. Along with this is the opportunity to see this incessant paradigm in our culture that views mental health “struggles” as a negative and as something wrong with the individual. These negative perceptions become internalized and perpetuated as those who struggle view themselves as weak or less than and may continually seek support trying to fix what society has deemed as an imbalance. In fact, any form of oppression can become internalized as the “abuser” of the oppression embodies this message and the “abused” takes on this belief as well.
“In her foundational article on the ex- (mental health) patients’ movement (1990), Chamberlin argues that in the early days of organizing, ex-patients (also known as consumers, survivors, consumer/survivors, users, refusers, lunatics, crazies, or Mad) identified mentalism and sane chauvinism as a set of negative assumptions which most people, including ex-patients themselves, held about ‘mental patients.’ More recently, mentalism has been defined as the systematic subjugation of people who have received mental health diagnoses or treatment. Like racism, mentalism may result in blatant discrimination, but will be most commonly expressed in “multiple, small insults and indignities” known as “microaggressions” (Kalinowski and Risser, 2005: p. 1). These microaggressions will include low expectations and professional judgements that such individuals are helpless, incompetent, violent, and irrational (Chamberlin, 1990)” (Poole & Jivraj, 2015, p. 200)
How this has landed for me is in my journey of understanding and embracing the parts of me that express with various forms of neurodivergence. I realized that I was carrying a belief that when my neurodivergence was “getting in the way” of being able to go along with what was being asked of me or what I had decided is the behavior of a well-functioning human being, I automatically perceived this as an area of my life that I needed to practice more self-regulation. Inherent in this messaging is a belief that parts of me are not okay as they are, something is wrong, and I need to further develop the skills and tools to regulate so I can show up in a way that meets the expectations of others. Important to note here that there is much of what I just shared that I still hold as important to consider. Of course I want to function to the best of my ability, and of course I want to be able to show up for others, collaborate and co-create and strengthen relationships. Of course. However, I do not need to perpetuate the message that something is wrong with me or that it is my responsibility to self-regulate when I feel “unstable” or sensitive or over-stimulated or when I hear and feel the part of me that activates brain/thought “glitches”.
A simple shift in perspective opens me up to recognizing that it is important to listen and hold space for discomfort and ground myself without that meaning I will feel “regulated” or comfortable or that the discomfort will be gone. This feels like grounding and being with what I am feeling rather than needing to pause everything to “regulate” before I can continue on. I am often reminded that we actually curate more connection and balance within our systems when we stop trying to force, vilify, or ‘let go’ of what has been conceptualized as “wrong”, and instead soften with love, acceptance and welcoming.
When I focus on grounding, being with what’s here and loving it, the outcome generally is what I had previously been trying to force through manipulation of my experience. When I carry the story that “something is wrong with me” and “I must regulate myself before I move forward” I am exacerbating the negative loops and steering myself further away from an integrated sense of self that is inherently loving and fully capable of a creative and functional existence.
While I do advocate for mental wellness and support for those who feel unstable in their own bodymind, one of the most effective steps in counseling with others has been the experiential learning and adoption of self compassion. There is a powerful shift that happens when the gentle acceptance of compassion flows into one’s system, which includes mindfully attending to the felt sense of the body, recognizing the common humanity in the experience (i,e. Feeling less alone in the experience), and offering oneself kindness and grace in the form of nurturing phrases or gestures (Neff, 2013).
An important aspect of this shift in perspective on mental health is that rather than focusing on the individual as the site of the problem that needs to be fixed, we expand out to focus on…
“oppression, power, privilege, language, multiplicities of mood, emotion and ways of being, de-categorization, contextualization, connection, and the intersection of identity with multiple forms of oppression. In this theoretical place, we find mental health approaches that include but are not limited to feminism, antiracism and anticolonial work, critical race work, critical psychiatry, antipoverty work, anti-oppressive practice (AOP), social determinants of mental health approach, queer studies, narrative analysis, critical disability studies, sociology of the body, and, of course, Mad Studies.” (Poole & Jivraj, p. 201)
The final thread I would like to speak to is one of an even more personal note. As I have been grappling with all of this, I sought out some support from my friend Linda who shows up with skills and knowledge from her long life as a learner and her chosen scope of using craniosacral tools to hold space and support others. So much of my journey in these last few years has involved reflection around distrust of community, grappling with power (i.e. imbalances, power over, power together, abuse of power, etc.), a desire to belong and to embody the discernment between boldly believing I Matter without teetering towards I Matter More.
In the past few weeks this has come to the surface of my experience again, as information regarding a leader in one of the communities I have been a part of has been accused of a pattern of sexual misconduct. As I sat with this information, I noticed my own familiar reactions of first feeling overwhelmed, followed by self-doubt, some fear, and telling myself things that equate to “I don’t matter”.
Sharing this with Linda, while on her table, I tapped into a part of me that was quite mad. I sat with her and she appeared as a little me, five years old, with her fists up ready to go toe to toe. I visualized the family I grew up in and saw my siblings and mother cowering away from my father, and little me stepping forward to stand up for everyone and protect, because no one else would. I realized this little one had her tail between her legs. She was scared, she didn’t want to do this on her own, but at that time it was what she felt she had to do. I felt so much love and compassion and understanding for this little one. And as I sat with her, validating her experience, I saw hands holding and a circle forming. This little one, in her posture of fear and fierce protection ready to battle, could finally relax as she felt this posture is not needed when she is holding hands with others who are standing up together in a loving way. I felt the embodiment of I Matter as my place in the circle of people holding hands felt important and valuable, and a very clear discernment of how that was not at all portraying I Matter More.
I sense that the pain I often feel in my low back is connected to this posture of fear and fierceness to protect, and the more I relax into the support that is around me and within me, this little one will get the message on repeat that she doesn’t have to do it alone anymore. She is, I am, we are, supported. We all matter, and we all need to learn how to take turns centering those who need more support without that inherently meaning anything about who matters more.
References:
Glass, M. (2017). Daily Parts Meditation Practice: A journey of embodied integration for clients and therapists. The Listener.
Mullan, J. (2023). Decolonizing therapy: Oppression, historical trauma, and politicizing your practice. W. W. Norton.
Neff, K. (2013). Self compassion. Hodder & Stoughton.
Poole, J. M., & Jivraj, T. (2015). Mental Health, Mentalism and Sanism. In School of Social Work (pp. 200–203). essay, Ryerson University.