This post has been burning inside of me and I am so ready to sit and allow this to flow through and out of me. December is the month that I love to be in deep reflection as I tie up the loose ends of the year, land on the deep lessons I needed to learn, and create space for the possibility and growth of the year ahead. While this is obviously a public forum and I am going to eventually hit SAVE & PUBLISH, this post is truly for me. And the beauty in that is that when I am pure in my intentions and share openly and honestly, we all benefit. So while this is for me, it is definitely for YOU too.
I have been reflecting on my word of the year - Eunoia - and how that has supported and guided me in big and small ways this year. Choosing a WORD OF THE YEAR has been one of my personal favorite traditions for the past 8 years. To spend a full year with a rooted intention is a powerful way to move from practice to mastery; from conscious DOING to subconscious BEING.
It was a few years ago now that my word of the year shifted from the energy of Fire, Action and Power, towards the softer side of balance. I recognized, after working with BOLD, FEARLESS, and MOMENTUM, that I am a master at DOING. When I set my sights on something, I make it happen. I do not struggle with finding the FIRE I need to pursue what I desire. FIRE is my superpower.
Well, what serves you at one point in life, and maybe even saved your life, becomes your self-made prison later on if you have not released and evolved into a new way of being and doing.
Two years ago, my word of the year was UNFOLD and TRUST. I had become very clear on my need to learn the art of slowing down. I knew, cognitively, that slowing down, meditating and relaxing was important, but I had not experienced pleasure in it and found that slowing down often sent me into a spiral of disembodiment and depression. So naturally, I avoided slowing down because I simply didn’t understand how to do it in a constructive and conscious way.
2017 and 2018 sent me on a search for teachers and experiences that could help me learn to love and understand the art of slowing down. I made my way into Yin trainings, meditation trainings and experiences, yoga life coaching training, myofascial yoga teacher training, yoga nidra training, research into pleasure, the nervous system, and breathwork experiences. Look at me trying so hard to slow down!
The insights, metaphors and perspectives I was gifted in these trainings and experiences were substantial. Meanwhile, I wrote and published a book and kept adding classes to my drop-in teaching schedule. I was very mindful to bookend my day with earth, air and flow, yet my days were all FIRE/effort/busy!
The first sign of change in this arena began to creep in when my morning and evening routine began to lengthen. I was going to bed earlier and waking up earlier simply so I could have the ample space in the morning to meditate, breathe, move, read and write. I craved this time for myself, and could feel tethers of attachment form as my ongoing healing and development took on the energy of efficiency and FIRE, as that way of being was so familiar and comfortable for me.
2019 was the first time that my WORD OF THE YEAR was gifted to me. My friend Elly gave me a gift for Christmas, a necklace with the word EUNOIA inscribed into the gold pendent dangling from a gold chain. Along with it was a definition which read: “beautiful thinking that flows from a balanced, healthy and positive mind.” Upon further inquiry, I also discovered that it is a rarely used medical term referring to a state of normal mental health. BINGO! To develop and strengthen my eunoia, I knew I needed to take care of my basic needs, continue the practice of retraining my nervous system and expand my ability to be present. From this, my business expanded into the realm of Mental Health Strength Training.
Once again, my deliberation and execution of Eunoia was a methodical and intentional practice. More research. More training. More time in my morning and evening routines to engage in the repetition needed to create the state I desire.
It was this year that I started to notice a disconnect. I am working so hard to find peace! I know how to heal and I am so inspired to teach and share, yet the fire and intensity that I used to forge my own healing path is not the same energy I need to be the support for others. I found myself angry with people I love because they weren’t doing as I do. I was frustrated with family members who were struggling because I wanted them to be more vulnerable and heal the way I did! At the time, this confused me. How is it that I am practicing peace and love, yet this anger and frustration can take over and feel so strong. What am I doing wrong? Back to the research!
All of that is simply to give context for what has arrived in these last three months of 2019….
Myofascial Yoga - Christine Wushke held a weekend training focused on Pelvic Health. I know several people who struggle with prolapse of various kinds, chronic pain in the pelvic region, degeneration of the hip bones, sexual abuse that has left lack of sensation or fear of pleasure, and on top of that, I have experienced occasional low back pain that seemed to flare up every 6 - 12 months. So, I was curious to learn and implement what I learn. We explored the anatomy of the pelvis, where stress and tension often lands, how we make it worse without even realizing that’s what we are doing, how to properly engage the core muscles, and how to move and engage the muscles of the pelvis region to create balance in strength and relaxation. Being open and connected to the pelvis area is a pleasurable experience and one that is relatively new for me. Having an eating disorder for so many years, I did not have love for my belly or lower body in general. To be connected, fascinated and curious to explore and find true alignment has become one of my deep desires, and what I often refer to as one of the many rabbit holes I get enthralled by.
My own pelvis misalignment became very obvious in this weekend workshop, as we all had a turn assessing each other’s alignment in various positions. Such a valuable practice as a teacher. I was empowered to know more about my body and what I can do to release the stuck tension and practice neuro-muscular retraining so I can move in a more aligned and healthy way.
In true Marin-fashion, I began the “healing and realigning” process in the way I know how: checklist, discipline, force, and effort. And, rather than release something else to create space for this deliberate re-patterning, I simply added it in, in between classes, coffee dates, writing sessions, and trainings. I think it is worth mentioning that while I was doing all of this, I truly did not see the fire and effort as an imbalance. I was way more balanced, present and mindful than ever before, and overall, extremely healthy and successful. It’s not until looking back that I can see what I was so obvious to many others who know me.
Three weeks ago, I was feeling more aligned and embodied than ever. I was moving differently, my pelvis felt great, and after teaching a yoga class, I spent a few minutes to do some of my deliberate healing practice. I moved into a deep backbend, deeper than I ever have before. And, it felt AMAZING! I was in awe of the progress I had made in only a few weeks. One deep back bend turned into 5. With a smile on my face, I rolled up my mat and off I went. Two and a half days later, my body recognized that I was not slowing down and had no intention to, and so, my low back seized and I was forced into slowing down. In fact, I had to clear my schedule for the day and get several classes subbed for the following few days so that I could lay on my back with very minimal movement.
What I realized while laying on my back for a full day was how magical and amazing the human body truly is. I wasn’t mad, frustrated or in fear. I was so curious and open to what this experience was teaching me. I saw that those deep backbends were not the problem. The problem arose when I did not honor the equal importance of slowing down, integrating and relaxing after a clear push outside my familiar range of motion (or comfort zone). What a gift that was to receive. A true gift in that I already cognitively knew this balance was important, but until I experienced it in my body, I didn’t fully get it. Now, I do.
I got the support I needed to release the stuck tension in my low back, and allowed myself to steep in slowing down. Within a few days, my back was fine, great in fact. But this time, I stayed with the lesson learned and began to look at my schedule, at my self-imposed expectations, and how I had allowed physical movement, research, learning and creating to become a distraction from what I had been pursuing…the art of slowing down.
This is when the story starts to pick up….two Friday’s ago (November 22), I was laying on my back at home and I was meeting the sensations in my low back. I was in the practice of being with the sensations, not trying to fix, feed or fight, not labeling as good or bad, just being with. Suddenly, a memory surfaced. I recalled being 14 years old at an all boy’s basketball camp. My older brother, his best friend, and my cousin were leading the camp. At one point, I fell hard onto my tailbone. HARD! I jumped up and ran out of the gym in tears. It was so painful. My cousin, being the late adolescent that he was, began to make fun of me. He drew attention to me and my injury in a way that brought me into shame, embarrassment, and anger, all mixed in with the intense pain in my tailbone.
It dawned on me suddenly, laying on my back at home, that may have been the moment that this misalignment occurred. And, because I was already struggling with mental health and an eating disorder at that time, the tension and adhesion’s simply mixed in with the matrix of wounds in that area. I finally could see (and feel) that healing truly is an unwinding and an untethering to the stories and emotions that get lodged into the body.
My heart burst open and I was overcome with joy, love and awe. The next day, Saturday, I went to a Sound Healing session that was hosted by my friend Saleste. Trying to describe this experience will barely do it justice. Laying on my back being engulfed by the sounds of crystal bowls and gongs, I moved into complete effortless-ness. No fear of the darkness and no expectation on the light. I found myself moving and breathing intuitively, not a contrived following of others or past habits. I felt flow. I felt the vibrations of the sound move through me unhindered and unobstructed by my own effort or desire. I was curious and expansive, and peaceful.
Two days later, I stepped into an immersive Yoga Nidra training with Tanis Fishman and the School of Sankalpa. This was one year after my first Yoga Nidra training and I was so excited to dive deeper into the practice and fine-tune my own writing and delivery of this life changing practice.
What became clear in this training is that how you show up as a teacher is how you show up in your life. And, really, how you show up anywhere is how you show up everywhere. It’s all connected.
Yet, to be in a loving space with mindful and wise council, I was able to be seen and challenged to let go of the effort and control that I did not see as my self-made prison. It was an opportunity to step into effortlessness and trust. I do not need to hide behind the research, hide behind all that I KNOW, hide behind exertion and force, and I certainly do not need to hold this expectation of healing for others. As the saying goes, the fish cannot see that it is in a fishbowl. The lessons we need to learn are right in front of us, yet it often takes the loving reflection of another for us to truly see what is there. I see it now. I see the way I have hidden my fear and my seeking for approval behind creating and effort. I see my good intentions to support others and teach them how to heal is lost in the noise of trying to do and give too much all at once. And I see the vital step of ensuring I am honoring the balance within me of Teacher and Student. I see it. And the best part, this is a practice of being, of letting go, of effortlessless, and I was so ready to receive that insight.
Now what? To honor this learning and truly integrate it into my being, I have created space in my schedule. And while I do still love to learn, read and create, what has shifted is my delivery and my comfort in stillness and silence. I am letting go of the reigns that I have been holding onto so tightly. Healing and overcoming, for me, needed tight restraints and a template to follow. And now, as I step fully into I AM HEALED, that comes with the knowing that a new skill set is appropriate. I feel as though I have shed a layer of skin that was ready to peel off but was stuck in a few places. A death and rebirth. I am so excited to see how this evolution continues, and, I am going to enjoy who and where I am.
My word of the year for 2020…….I await for the word to choose me, as I am done forcing and curating, I am ready to be the conduit.
xoxo