Autoethnography - Week 2 of my practicum

This has been an interesting week, as it was full of facilitation opportunities (one on one and groups) which are an ongoing part of my Somatic Breathwork and Yoga business. Additionally, my Grandpa McCue died a few nights ago, which brought up many deep reactions around my familial relationships and very young parts of me that needed me to tend to them in ways that required a considerable amount of energy.

Friday morning was the first time this week I could slow down to review and integrate the notes I had been gathering. This allowed for fruitful reflection, practice, and capturing of insights and curiosities, as I explored some ideas around what it looks like to incorporate more of a social work lens within the current facilitation that I offer. At this point that looks like being even more intentional with inclusive language, as well as curating experiences that lead to a broader understanding of the cultural burdens and collective traumas of systemic racism that influence us all in similar and unique ways.

I have begun to think about my practicum project as a container that I am inviting people in to experience, and the steps that are required to create a clear connection to what and why this container exists, why someone might choose to step into this container with me, what tools and guidelines I suggest for navigating within this container, and what potential outcomes I am hoping to co-create and discover. I enjoy approaching this project in layers, and multi-dimensionally; creating the framework for presentation, reflecting and writing about the process of creation, moving through the framework myself to do the work, sharing openly about what I am learning, working towards larger presentations and facilitations, and generating several modes for organizing the data to share it through multiple platforms and in multiple ways. This feels so fascinating and deeply integrating for me. 

One of my main goals for this week was to gather contextual definitions of each concept that is a part of my project’s title. I am envisioning a video presentation of this project that I will share on youtube, as well as a few live presentations over the next few months to share what I am working on and invite others into the process with me (for feedback as well as participation). As I near the end of this week I am feeling more clear and aligned. 

I figured that a great purpose for this second blog post marking the second week of my practicum could be the descriptive breakdown of what an autoethnography is and why I chose that for my methodology. 

The working title for this project is an MSW self-directed practicum as an Autoethnography of a trauma-informed post-colonial approach to deconstructing colonialism from the inside out. Quite a mouth full. 

Here we go, let’s start with what an Autoethnography is:

According to Ellis et al (2011), an ethnography is participatory and relational as a qualitative methodology for a researcher to “study a culture's relational practices, common values and beliefs, and shared experiences for the purpose of helping insiders (cultural members) and outsiders (cultural strangers) better understand the culture” (p. 3).

When we add ‘auto’ to an ethnography, the researcher is now engaging in self-reflexivity to include the study of their “past experiences, point of view, and roles” as impacting their observations as an integral part of the research process (Poulos, 2021, p. 4). Through writing about their self experience in contact with their research, this helps “illuminate the many layers of human social, emotional, theoretical, political, and cultural praxis” (Poulos, 2021, p. 5). 

As Poulos (2021) succinctly summarizes: 

“[A]utoethnography is a qualitative research method that: 

1) uses a researcher’s personal experience to describe and critique cultural beliefs, practices, and experiences; 

2) acknowledges and values a researcher’s relationships with others; 

3) uses deep and careful self-reflection—typically referred to as “reflexivity”—to name and interrogate the intersections between self and society, the particular and the general, the personal and the political; 

4) Shows people in the process of figuring out what to do, how to live, and the meaning of their struggles; 

5) balances intellectual and methodological rigor, emotion, and creativity; and 

6) strives for social justice and to make life better” (p. 4).

As such, the method of the autoethnography “is both process and product” (Ellis et al, 2011, p. 1), which feels very aligned with how I have learned to facilitate and integrate. 

Why I chose an Autoethnography approach:

The wise Maya Angelou (2009) expresses the importance of this work with her words:

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” 

Autoethnography utilizes an invitational approach through story-telling and vulnerability, both of which are powerful ways of sharing and learning, as well as being strongly aligned with Indigenous ways of knowing. 

As the renowned Audre Lorde so aptly depicted in a speech in 1984, “The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” In order for me to engage in deconstruction of colonialism from the inside out, I am resolutely aware that the tools I use and the mindset in my approach need constant reflection and consideration. As Ellis et al (2009) describes, the relationality and reflective nature of the autoethnography is a method that resists colonialist research tactics that are authoritative and extractive. This aspect of the method is imperative, as I am aware of the possibility of blindly using colonialist methods while attempting to engage in decolonizing work. The more vulnerable I can be throughout this process, the more likely it is that I will notice when my tools being employed come from white supremacy culture or someone else will be able to offer me that feedback. 

“We are strongest when we are allowed to be vulnerable - with ourselves and each other. White supremacy culture does not allow for vulnerability. And that is a tragedy for us all” (Okun, 2023).

Additionally, the autoethnography inherently involves collaboration, sharing, and discussing, which are safe-guards as I continue to see what I may be currently blind to. This also supports my understanding that what I am engaging in is not brand new, nor am I the only one who has attempted and is currently engaged in this work. This project is my contribution as a blip within an arena that is ripe with creative activities and curious seekers who are in the process of learning and practicing deconstruction of colonialism. The more collaborative I can be in this journey, the more I will be supporting and learning from others. 

Lastly, autoethnography is an academic method that provides me with a framework to create a “formal” paper for presentations at conferences, which will lend to my goal of expanding my social work network, and build my embodied experience of this work in a way that will further my agenda of being a sessional instructor at Universities so I can share this and continue developing it. 

I can collaboratively build this house for you to experience along with me, and I can open the door and give you a guided tour. But only you can choose to step in.

“When someone isn’t ready to be free, forcing them to do the labor of awakening becomes an act of violence. We can neither drag people to freedom nor scare them, manipulate them, intimidate them, or use one of our favorite collective techniques - yell at them on social media - to get them to freedom” (Owens, 2023, p. 32).

Until next week, xo

References

Angelou, M. (2009). I know why the caged birds sing. Ballantine Books. 

Ellis, C., Adams, T. E., & Bochner, A. P. (2011). Autoethnography: An overview. Historical Social Research, 36(4), 273-290. https://doi.org/10.12759/hsr.36.2011.4.273-290

Lorde, A. (1984). The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house (Comments at the “The personal and the political panel,” Second Sex Conference, New York, September 29, 1979). In Sister outsider (pp. 110–113). Sister Visions Press. (Original work published 1979)

Okun, T. (2023). White Supremacy Culture. WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE. https://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/ 

Owens, L. R. (2023). The New Saints: From Broken Hearts to Spiritual Warriors. Sounds True. 

Poulos, C. N. (2021). Writing autoethnography. Essentials of Autoethnography., 31–50. https://doi.org/10.1037/0000222-003 

How it started - Week 1 of my practicum

This has been a big week.

I officially started my practicum on Monday, and I would describe the start as fairly overwhelming and chaotic. This is something I am familiar with at the beginning stage of any new project, and for that reason I was able to lean into it with trust that it won’t be like this forever. In fact, this is an important and necessary part of creation. As I opened myself to the gravitas of what my practicum was becoming, I soon realized two things:

1. This feels more like my life’s work than just a practicum. It was apparent that a vital aspect of these first few days was to distill down my scope to ensure I was focusing on a realistic goal for the next four months. And I believe I have narrowed that down to a place that feels exciting, realistic, uncomfortable and on purpose.

2. I was coming up against a familiar and impulsive reaction inside of me that says “more, more, more". I realized that while it is true that chaos and discomfort are to be expected and welcomed, what was also true was that I was approaching this project from the colonial mindset of “do more”, “more is better”, “compete!” and “prove your worth.”

And so, I slowed down. I have a lot to learn, and right now I have more questions than answers. While it is important that I have clear directives, measurable goals, and standards of practice that I uphold and adhere to, I also want (dare I say ‘need’) to lead by example in what this process truly looks like and feels like. I choose to believe (and for that reason I see proof of this everywhere) that….

• What’s true on one level is true on all levels

• Yet I also hold space for Niels Bohr’s insight that often the opposite of one profound truth is another profound truth

• And, how you do one thing informs how you do everything.

How I engage in this process of research matters to me just as much as what I am researching. I am inspired by Shawn Wilson who writes in his book Research is Ceremony (2019) that our research serves the purpose of building a closer relationship with the idea or topic of our research. Or as Dr. Sima Barmania (2017) shares in the words of one of her mentors, “the research does not change anything; it’s the research that changes you”.

With that said, for the next four months I will be developing a facilitation framework and content for practitioners to engage in the work of deconstructing colonialism (i.e. the wounds, the beliefs, the protective mechanisms, etc.) as it resides in their body and psyche. The working title for this project (at this point) is….

A trauma-informed postcolonial approach to deconstructing colonialism from the inside out

One of my next steps is to create clear contextual definitions of the concepts in that title and what it means when they bridge together. Additionally, as I create this framework and content, I will move through the process myself as this is what will change me. I have a couple of parts in me that are still carrying some “isms” and biases that I am ready to explore, learn from, and update.

And so, as I embark on this practicum, I thought a good place to begin (other than what I have shared above) would be to share a little more context regarding how I got here. This will be a part of the blog series that I will create along the way. Rather than sharing a huge amount at once, and knowing that I will be adding and editing this story as my research unfolds, I will post a few paragraphs at a time that will be released weekly or bi-weekly.

Here is how it started…..

I have been facilitating breathwork, yoga, somatics and Internal Family Systems for several years. These are modalities that supported me in my own healing journey and continue to foster leaps and bounds of growth in my personal and professional arenas. In the last four years, as I stepped into medicinal journeys with psilocybin and other plant medicines, I began to recognize my increasing capacity for love and care, and a yearning to enhance my ability to step into more spaces as a practitioner. 

As I contemplated going back to school, my first step led me to consider a master’s in psychology counseling. I consulted with a few psychologists about my current passions and direction, and heard over and over again that it was worth pursuing a master’s in clinical social work instead. 

I was admitted into the MSW program at the University of Calgary which started in May 2023. The start of my MSW journey was wrought with discomfort and inspiration as I learned more about the impact of colonization historically and present day, and the decolonization movements within Indigenous and other equity deserving populations that are equally admirable and complex. I was overcome with a desire to play a role in this important work of dismantling our current system, and as bell hooks (1996) so wisely encourages, to do so with love at the foundation, both in the action that dismantles dichotomies woven within the colonial culture of domination, and as an anchor to hold onto as dismantling will temporarily cause a loss of what is currently the ground our systems rely upon. As a future clinical social worker who strives to bridge the micro and macro, to lead with love is a reminder to slow down, to peel away the layers of the incessant and internalized ideology of a culture founded in white supremacy (White supremacy culture, 2023). As well, to see the multitude of parts that are operating within every person’s system and seek to understand their fears and pains that are the protected beneath the fire of harmful words and actions (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). I found myself occasionally on my soap box pointing outward with suggestions and accusations regarding how others needed to change. My “new found clarity” was being projected onto others with an agenda to educate and convince.

My dad is someone that I deeply respect and was able to engage with during this growth phase of finding my feet within the social justice realm. He imparted some important wisdom that I have come back to often since our conversation in the summer. He said that anytime he senses an evangelical angle in a conversation, or the sense that someone is trying to convince him of something, his guard goes up. Aligned with what I have been taught with IFS, I realized that I had been doing a lot of pointing outwards and was reminded to U-turn that finger back in towards myself, and continually take responsibility for the change I desire from the inside out. 

to be continued…..

References:

Barmania, S. (2017, June 5). “the research does not change anything; it’s the research that changes you”. Research in progress blog. https://blogs.biomedcentral.com/bmcblog/2017/06/05/the-research-does-not-change-anything-its-the-research-that-changes-you/

hooks, b. (1996). “Contemplation and Transformation.” In Dresser, M. (Ed.) (1996). Buddhist 

women on the edge: Contemporary perspectives from the western frontiers, 287–92. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books.

Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal family systems therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.

White supremacy culture. (2023). What is white supremacy culture? https://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/what-is-it.html

Wilson, S. (2019). Research is ceremony: Indigenous research methods. Langara College.

New Year - Deconstructing Colonialism from the Inside-Out

I begin my first practicum as a Masters student in clinical social work in January. There were a few options regarding the type and structure for the practicum, one of which is called self-directed, for those who desire to create their own structure/project with the learning goals of the practicum in mind. Being a creative and motivated individual, I chose this route as I am curious to explore and expand on a project I have been developing over the past several months in my studies. The working title for my practicum is “How to deconstruct colonialism from the inside out.” Over the course of the next several months, I intend to share my personal journey in creating this project and the formal resources that come from it. Part of that journey begins here as I sit on the threshold before the new year and share some preliminary thoughts and structure that is in place to support the process. 

As a Canadian born, white-identifying, cis-gender female, I have become equally absorbed in the process of decolonization and cautiously uncertain regarding my role in engaging in this work. I recognize that decolonization is an important undertaking for populations that were and are directly colonized, and I am mindful that I do not want to center myself in an arena that is not about me. I decided on an autoethnographic project to research, experience and share a respectful path for deconstructing colonization at the individual level as an important step that supports the broader goal of decolonization in our larger systems. 

Along with education and understanding of what deconstructing colonization from the inside out means and why it is important, I am playing with the idea that re-centering the heart is the embodied path to bring theory into embodied reality. We are formed in utero as heart-centered beings, born into a patriarchal colonial culture that domesticates us to prioritize cognition as the highest form of knowing. Ancient wisdom systems point us to the practice of re-centering the heart as this form of leadership is collaborative, inclusive and healing. To be heart-centered is to be right brain dominant, rather than the common left brain dominance of comparison, competition and black and white thinking. Cognition without heart-centered leadership is misguided, short-sighted, limited, and leads to imbalance and inequitable power systems. Additionally, cognition without heart-centered leadership leads to over-thinking and over-breathing as negative feedback loops, pulling us further from the intelligence that awaits within the awakened body. When we practice re-centering the heart and surrender into the rhythms of breath and movement that strengthen the neural pathways that connect heart to brain, we create the conditions necessary to feel what it is to be aligned and centered at our core. 

As part of this practicum, I am honored to have five monthly workshops, starting February 24, scheduled at YogaMCC Bowness (workshops will be posted by mid January). This series will embody steps for exploration with the intent of guiding participants through education, reflection, intention, interoception, and meditation for the creation of new neural pathways that liberate us from the various perils of colonization. I decided to set up each workshop with a focus on one of the koshas, which in ancient Indian philosophy is a map for experiencing layers of our being. I subscribe to the belief that colonization resides in our tissues in various ways, like a virus that has taken hold and thrives through our inattention and unconscious allowances. With the koshas, we have a slow and methodical journey to explore how the virus of colonization has taken hold in our bodies, along with supportive guidance to let go and create a new way of being. While these workshops are created as a series, they will also stand alone so that participants do not have to attend all five for a cohesive experience. 

I look forward to hearing your questions, your ponderings, your ideas and insights, as this journey is meant to be collaborative. I would love to have your participation in any way that feels good for you.

Decolonizing ME

I have developed a wonderful and humbling habit that I learned from the Internal Family Systems model. Anytime I feel the energy of, or notice explicitly, pointing my finger at something outside of me as an issue or problem that needs to be “fixed”, I engage in a ‘u-turn’ and point that finger back in at myself. What this does is continually redirect my blame or judgement from an external source (and ultimately something that I cannot control) and come back inwards to my internal environment as something I can take responsibility for, learn from, grow through, and change from the inside out.

My latest u-turn came from my inquiry around decolonizing somatics, as I have been sitting with a feeling of “too much” gravitas and noticing an energetic quality of pointing outwards. While I know, and feel, the importance of continuing in that direction, I had the sense that I was trying to leap to the middle of a journey and was missing some foundational steps that would help me get there. When I turned my finger to come back to me, what I realized is that it is first and foremost my duty to decolonize myself, my psyche, my body, and how I show up in the world. I trust that in doing so, the ripples of such work will set me up to engage in the collaborative efforts of decolonization.

As I get to know my lineage more, my ancestors, my roots, my unique wounds and my unique gifts passed down for generations and crafted in my unique experience and place in the world, I will have the space and understanding to engage in the same due diligence with the practices I benefit from that are not directly apart of my lineage. I lean back in time with nothing but gratitude for the many pioneers who developed various healing modalities, forged in the fire of rituals that connect with Source, and I am humbly open and present to these gifts as they move through me now. I bow to each person I work with as they are the true experts of their experience, and I am immensely appreciative for the wisdom of mindfulness and presence that allows me to balance, stay and play in the place where knowledge meets unknowable.

“The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house” - Audre Lorde

To decolonize myself I must be more clear on what that truly means. I need to understand the energy, mindsets, fears, and devastation that colonizers engaged with to build the culture and society that we still live in today. I need to see myself more clearly and recognize the thoughts, beliefs, perspectives, emotions and actions that entrenched in colonization. And I need to immerse myself more in the resources, history, and relationships of those who are racialized, those who experienced and experience colonization, and spend more time listening and learning.

I am not here to bully, or aggressively educate, or to shame anyone into stepping into this kind of work because that defeats the purpose of this work. I am here to take responsibility for myself, lead by example, express and educate from and with love, and expand my container so that others can willingly choose to step into this work in their own way and with an open heart. 

I am open and eager to hear or receive any resources or ideas you have to share with me, and I will share more as this project takes shape.

Thank you.

Decolonizing Somatics

White-Body Supremacy Virus

Resmaa Menakem is a somatic abolitionist social justice worker and author who has had an immense impact on my life. As an activist, Menakem emphasizes that social justice focused change needs to happen on the inside and outside of institutions, as well as a dismantling of white-body supremacy that festers inside our body’s like a virus. In his book My Grandmother’s Hands (2017) - which I highly recommend - he highlights that there are various forms of trauma residing in all of our bodies from generations of brutality towards each other (including white-body against white-body before the development of race and racism). He remarks that unless we do the work to release the trauma - which he astutely calls the white-body supremacy virus - stored deep in our tissues, we will continue to point fingers of blame, create larger chasms of division and othering, and protect our own hurts by hurting others.

I recognize that for many white-bodied people, conversations (or the topics in general) around racism, structural/systemic racism, privilege, reconciliation and decolonization feels heavy, uncomfortable, and overwhelming, and often brings up feelings of shame, guilt, deflection, and bewilderment regarding what to do about it. This cascade of emotion is routinely followed by frustration, anger or resentment, and intense self-protection and defensiveness with sentiments like: “why should I feel guilty about something that I didn’t actually do? I am one of the ‘good ones’!” or “how long do white-people have to feel guilty and ashamed before the system balances out?” or “there are so many variations of privilege, why are we focusing on white-privilege?” or “I shouldn’t have to feel guilty or blamed for being born a white person!” or “I don’t have privilege! I have suffered and struggled through life too!”

Sound familiar?

I invite you to pause, breathe, and stay with me……

I have grappled with these reactions in myself, and I have heard countless other white people around me express similar questions and statements.

I recognize that there are many different markers of privilege, and this focus on white-privilege is not meant to negate the existence or gravity of these other markers or the intersectionality of each individuals’ existence. I am a Canadian, able bodied, neuro-divergent, white, middle class, grad level educated, tall and slender cis gender female in a supportive relationship without children. I have markers of privilege while I also have markers of disadvantage, and depending on the context, where I am in the world, and who I am engaging with, these markers can also shift on the spectrum from privilege to disadvantage.

What I have come to learn is that these strong reactions around guilt, shame, frustration, overwhelm, anger and defensiveness are not just arising because of the conversations and challenges we are facing around race, imbalance in power, oppression, and reconciliation, these are deep emotions (or parts of ourselves) that are being touched and triggered during moments of discomfort and are torpedoing to the surface. A foundational aspect of white-privilege is a belief that we have a right to be comfortable, and if something is making us uncomfortable we can reject it, rationalize it, push it away, ignore it, or vilify it, so that we can settle back into our status-quo and “comfortable” existence. Racialized, marginalized and systemically oppressed people do not have that luxury (or privilege).

We must learn how to stay in the discomfort, soothe and calm the parts of us that get rattled and feel blamed or judged as “bad,” and recognize that transformation, connection and healing happens when we can listen, validate, and apologize without taking on lifetimes of shame and guilt. Validating, listening and supporting others as they share hardship and rightfully ask for respect, equity, inclusion, and opportunity is not meant to be a personal attack on your worth or value as a human being. If you have felt that way, or noticed a big inner wall arise when discourse on race, privilege, oppression and reconciliation have been broached, what if you paused and looked inward to see what fears and wounds in you need your love and attention?

Decolonizing Somatics

Part of my own reconciliation process is continually slowing down to recognize where I am blindly participating in systemic racism, and as soon as I am aware, I vow to do better. As a somatic practitioner, I very recently realized that ‘somatics’ - as a field of practice - was coined with the intention to Universalize multicultural bodymind healing modalities. However, the “Universal” language of Latin is used which is Eurocentric, and actually erases multiculturalism while centering white-ness. Additionally, ‘somatic’ is meant to be a “catch-all” referring to the intelligent healing systems of embodiment through movement, dance, breath, drumming, music, sound, martial arts, tuning into sensation, ceremony, and ritual, that come from wisdom lineages in Africa, India, Asia, Latin America, and Indigenous cultures from around the world. Many “modern” somatic schools and teachers that have been labelled as pioneers in this field will mention their multicultural “influences”, yet the accolades and the pioneer-status is awarded to the European and North American teachers who synthesized and repackaged what has been taught and practiced around the world for generations.

To decolonize somatics, we must re-center the cultures and teachers who are the true pioneers, and ensure that as we practice and as we teach, that we continually learn and remain open, as well as give credit to where credit is due. All of which will lead to inclusivity that honors and deepens our integrity and our connection to our Universal roots.

I recognize that this is an ongoing process and this is just the starting point. I have a lot to learn, a lifetime of reconciliation ahead of me, and a bounty of knowledge to gather and steep in.

With awareness comes responsibility. I know I will make mistakes and I will accidentally be the cause of harm. All I can do is commit to learn, listen, and honor the medicine and growth of the repair when I become aware of a rupture. My hope is that as I engage in this important process of dismantling the white-body supremacy virus that I was born with and ingested blindly for most of my life, you will step into this cauldron of transformation and growth with me.

Below are some resources to check out to support you in your own re-discovery of what decolonizing somatics looks like.

Books

My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem

Healing Justice Lineages by Cara Page and Erica Woodland

Diverse Bodies, Diverse Practices: Toward an Inclusive Somatics - edited by Don Hanlon Johnson

Articles

Notes for Decolonizing Embodiment by Ben Spatz

What’s in a Name? Somatics and the Historical Revisionism of Thomas Hanna by Lindsey Drury

Shifting and Changing through my MSW education

I have completed my first two semesters of my Master of Social Work education at the University of Calgary, and I already feel an immense awakening accompanied by the continual excitement and gratitude to be on this journey. Social Work as a profession has a deplorable history of being conduits of harm under the guise of good intentions and “helping”. Welding the racist, ableist, healthist, oppressive and patriarchal beliefs and power structures of a society that excludes, punishes, and vilifies. It has been important to reckon with this and build more awareness and capacity to sit with discomfort and recognize that my positionality places me in the category of a long line of people who acted from “saviorhood” and caused more harm, and continues in many ways to cause harm. It has been humbling, exhausting, and liberating to be immersed in this conversation and education around what needs to change within social work and how we need to be that change.

One of the big realizations this has led me to is the importance of community and collective healing, and the various ways that needs to be facilitated depending on the group, communal trauma history, and intention of the gathering. There is clearly a need for more community and spaces where we can gather to learn, grow, listen, collaborate, support, and lead together, and this is something I am feeling called towards.

If you are curious to learn more about what is possible when we come together in groups, I invite you to check out my two upcoming offerings.

The Collective Exhale

Somatic Savvy for Anxiety & Depression

Doing group work is one way that we can all push against the colonial and patriarchal sentiments of individualism, capitalism, competition, othering, and pointing to blame. It is in community that we can reckon with the parts of us that have been abused and have been the abuser. Within each one of us there is an internal family of parts that have been wounded (for generations) and we can create positive change by learning how to hold space for ourselves and for others. We foster change with love, patience, understanding, and compassion, and we build new structures of power when we rally together to cultivate resilience for hard and important conversations, and see through the abuses that have kept us unconsciously shackled.

I would love to be in this work with you.

xo

Marin

A new chapter begins....

Last summer I began the process of applying for the Master of Social Work program at the U of C. Many months of waiting to hear the news was followed by a disheartening email in March that I had not made the cut and was instead being put on the waitlist in case a spot happened to open up. Three days before the waitlist closed, and two weeks before the program officially starts, I received an email with surprising news that I had been accepted. I had already gone through a grieving process as I felt this dream of stepping back into school with such drive and clear direction was not in the cards for me after all. And now, here I am on the eve of my first day of school.

There is so much about this upcoming journey that I have fallen in love with and feel so grateful and humbled to have this opportunity. My first round through University was not something that I could categorize as inspiring. I was mentally unwell and was counting down the days until I could be done with that chapter in my life. This time I am centered, healthy, purposeful, eager, and moving forward with over a decade of rich experience that will surely weave nicely into this path as it unfolds.

Why MSW?

The MSW program is something that was not on my radar until mid 2022. I had been contemplating where my thirst for knowledge and development would take me next, and had been continually drawn towards an accreditation in psychotherapy or psychology counselling. As I networked and asked questions of those at various milestones on a similar path I was considering, I was introduced to the idea of pursuing an MSW as it led in a similar direction and had a more expansive, inclusive and relevant structure that aligns with what I have learned and experienced to be most effective and needed.

Social Work is focused on systems thinking, recognizing that you cannot pathologize an individual without taking into account their culture, their history, their environment, their family, and society at large. This is a complex and multi-faceted model of support that strives to empower and lift others up so that the true healing reaches further and longer than one event or relationship. The resurgence of social justice and reconciliation is deeply embedded into the transformation happening within the social work realm. The more I learned and experienced in conversations, research and now in Orientation sessions for the program, the more I feel myself settling into this direction as if it fits like a well worn glove.

I have often described myself as aspiring to be a bridge for others as I am skilled at listening to various perspectives, empathizing from my vast experience with mental health struggles, and showing up with compassion to the plight of the human condition. And now I also sense that an MSW is a bridge. It provides the knowledge, relationships and practice to understand, navigate and work with those who live more in the analytical world of government, rules and regulations along with the individuals and communities who are impacted by societal norms and structures in common and diverse ways.

For now I am planning to take in this experience and allow it to shapeshift me in ways that I see I need and in the areas I am blind to. I would like to have this be the gateway into a clinical practice where I can continue seeing clients and facilitate groups, and I am also open to the possibility that there is something else out there that has my name on it that I am not aware of yet.

I will take some time to occasionally distill my experience down into a blog post for those who have enjoyed what I have shared so far. And I am always happy to hear from you if you have questions or insights to share.

Off to school I go.

xo

Marin

Somatic Savvy for Anxiety & Depression

To be Somatically Savvy is to recognize the intelligence that IS your body. With this practiced skill of turning towards your own body with patience, we create space to slow down, learn, listen and allow the body to express in the various ways it needs to in order to reappraise, reorganize and release stored charges and stories.

At Yoga MCC, starting May 24, I will be facilitating an 8 week series to develop and practice self-regulating techniques that will deepen your connection to yourself.

One of the most important truths I learned on my journey of learning how to navigate my mind and body was the insight that while the mind and body are inextricably connected as one, they also do not share the same first language. Or, in other words, you can’t think your way through a feeling problem.

Somatic savvy is a series to teach you how stabilize, regulate and integrate what has become separated by slowing down and get to know the various ways your bodily systems store charges energy, express and communicate. To optimize this connection we must learn the language of the body and retrain the thinking mind to turn towards sensation with an entirely different mental model than what we have been using. Ultimately, this is integration of left and right brain hemispheres so that we can step out of the contracted and limiting space of a thinking mind that is constantly sensing danger and alarm, and open back up to our expansive essence that is far more than any one system in our body.

According to Steven A. Levine (founder of Somatic Experiencing), trauma is an occurrence "when a person encounters a real of perceived threat, and is unable to initiate or complete and discharge the threat arousal sequence in the brain and Autonomic Nervous System."

Put another way, Dr. Stephen Porges (founder of Polyvagal Theory) states trauma as “a chronic disruption of connectedness.”

These ruptures without repair are akin to flower petals that unfold from one end and become loose threads or stems waving in the wind rather than remaining whole and connected in their petal form. These loose threads leave the body in an activated state, and leads to a sense of constant noise, distraction, distancing or dissociation and an embodied experience of helplessness, congestion, confusion, and general dysregulation.

With the various somatic practices we will be engaging in you will learn and experience the process of repairing these stored ruptures in your bodymind as well as real-time protocols to self and co-regulate during future ruptures so that you can complete the cycle of charge to release and reconnect.

This class series will include topics such as:

• Difference between bottom-up and top-down processing, and how to mindfully include and toggle between the two

• Self-Regulation with senses, breath and vagus nerve stimulation

• How to befriend your Nervous System

• Moving from the inside-out

• Guided Somatic Movement

• Yoga Nidra

• Mindfulness and Meditation

This is a hybrid offering so you can attend live or zoom in from the comfort of your own home space. I would love to share this experience with you. More details and link to register here

xox

Why learn Breathwork?

I have many conversations with people that start with a version of this question being asked of me, “why would someone want or need to engage in breathwork practices?” I answer this question differently every time because, ultimately, there are so many different practices or forms of breathwork that can be used for varying intentions, and there are many reasons why someone would start to learn and practice breathwork. Breathwork is multifaceted and intricately tied to the autonomic nervous system. In an attempt to clearly detail why I continue to practice and teach breathwork as the foundation of my business and personal self care, I have composed a list of SIX reasons, and some brief descriptions to elaborate. 

Reason #1:

Meditation has been touted for generations as an important and powerful practice for stress reduction, stress resiliency, improving mental and physical health, and potentially a gateway to a spiritual connection or relationship to something beyond the contracted individual experience. Recent research has now shown that engaging in breath focused meditation has been proven to be more beneficial than simply meditating without a breath focus. Beneficial in what ways? Improved mood, health, perspective shifting, and emotional balance. The reasons why for this are plenty, a few of which are described in the points below. One main reason to consider is the exercise breathwork provides for your respiratory diaphragm. This vital skeletal muscle plays a significant role in the healthy functioning of our entire body, and like many muscles, it becomes tight, weak and tired when it is not being exercised properly. 

A well-functioning and flexible diaphragm is the ideal as it is the main pump for the lymphatic system. During respiration, the movement of the diaphragm is what circulates and removes excess water and waste material (aka lymph) from the extracellular environment. Proper movement of the diaphragm with each breath supports lymph to be sucked through the bloodstream which improves detoxification and keeps cells in what is known as a "dry state." It is vital for cells to be in a dry state in order to engage in sodium and potassium exchange, as well as absorb the oxygen available in the body. The imbalances from poor oxygenation leads to the electrons within the cell to slow and stop freely interchanging with others cells, resulting in unregulated and abnormal growth, cell death and/or disease (i.e. cancer).The speed and strength of your body's circulation, communication, and restoration is highly correlated with the health of your respiratory diaphragm.

Reason #2:

With a deeper understanding of how to breathe optimally you can more efficiently guide yourself to calm during or after stressful situations, and guide yourself into an alert, focused and grounded state to heighten your cognition and improve your memory as you step into your next task or event. Your breath is intricately connected to your autonomic nervous system. The pace, quality, perspective and narrative in our mind is a byproduct of the nervous system state we are in. This gives us tremendous possibility and power as we turn inwards to befriend our nervous system. 

Imagine for a moment that your life experience is akin to adventuring down a wild and wondrous river. When you have an intimate relationship and understanding of your breath, you have the ores, the awareness, and the skills to navigate swiftly through the river of life. Breath literacy leads to the ability to stay centered, to navigate to the edges at will, to meet the rapids and come back to calm as soon as you’re through, to enjoy the lazy river moments with ease and bliss, to amp up your speed when needed or wanted, and to surrender to the journey with pleasure.

Reason #3:

As a form of exercise, various types and durations of conscious activation and down regulation leads to a more healthy, flexible, and adaptive nervous system as all systems in your body start to get back into the rhythm of effort and surrender, activation and regulation, stress and calm, energized and grounded, etc., the natural ebbs and flows of life. Health and resiliency can be measured by heart rate variability. With deliberate breath practice you are training your heart to meet life’s stressors and to efficiently come back to baseline as soon as the stressor dissipates. A well-functioning and flexible diaphragm is key to this phenomenon. The respiratory diaphragm attaches to the pericardium (the fascial sleeve inhabiting the heart), bottom of the lungs, extending out in connection to the xyphoid process, anchored at the six hanging low ribs, the first three lumbar vertebrae, and the psoas.

At rest, as we inhale (or inspiration), ideally, the diaphragm stretches and descends laterally and downward (think of an upside down bowl that stretches into the shape of a platter), which (among other things) pulls the heart and lungs into a larger form (causing heart rate to speed up). On the exhale (or expiration), ideally, everything that moved, lifted, stretched and expanded on the inhale has the time and support to come back to neutral, rest and release as the diaphragm glides upwards, heart rate slows down (this is the basic tenet of Respiratory Sinus Arrhythmia and Heart Rate Variability). This slow and collaborative movement is an important aspect of heart health as it provides much needed support for your heart so it is not bearing a bigger load than necessary. 

Reason #4:

Improving your heart rate variability has a positive impact on your physical, mental and emotional aspects of life as it strengthens your Vagal tone. The vagus nerve is a messenger that plays an intimate role in down-regulation via the heart, lungs, digestive tract and all major organs during and after activating events. As a cranial nerve, it starts it's journey at the brainstem, and wanders extensively and collaboratively from crown to tail, impacting our senses, our perception, our cognition, our facial expressions, our tone of voice, our heart rate and breath rhythm, our ability to digest and metabolize what we ingest and experience, and eliminate what the body no longer needs. A literal mind-body connection as the longest nerve in the body. It sends signals of safety after bouts of stress to communicate body-wide that the threat has passed, the survival system can relax, and healing and regeneration can now take the lead. When we have a strong and healthy vagus nerve we embody diverse flexibility as we regulate with ease and seek and sustain nurturing social contact.

Vagal tone refers to a healthy balance between sympathetic and parasympathetic activity, mediated by a well functioning vagus nerve. When the inhale leads to an increase in heart rate, it is the vagus nerve that has signaled more input from the sympathetic nervous system. On the exhale, it is the vagus nerve that signals the sympathetic chain to “quiet down” and heart rate to decrease. Psychologically, strong vagal tone shows up as stories of possibility, compassion, unity, and self empowerment. In this state we have access to courage, curiosity, a sense of calm, peace, and centeredness, patience, clarity, creativity, and confidence. 

Reason #5:

As you practice and experience the various states of your nervous system by way of consciously controlling your breath, you get access to more conscious control throughout your daily interactions. How is that? You improve your stress resiliency, which manifests as the ability to remain present for longer with your higher cortical functions intact. As well, by sustaining your focus on your breath while meditating, you are strengthening your ability to focus in general. This skill heightens your sense of presence and your sense of control as you can shift focus and sustain focus at will.  

By consciously slowing down your breath, as well as retraining your breath to come back to a slow rhythm unconsciously, we access space to feel what is here now. It is in that space that we can retrain our body's relationship to stress and step off the habitual negative feedback loop that swiftly moves us through sensation, perception, emotion, thought, and re-action. Rather than simply trying to cognitively repeat new thoughts or tell yourself what you need to hear or just rely on acting your way into a new way of thinking, we can interrupt this cycle at the level of sensation to create space for a new story and the possibility for healing, and new habits. This encourages intense emotions to be energy in motion that we can feel and breathe with until they release their grip (generally happens within 90 seconds) and a new perspective and plethora of possibilities will follow. If we access safety and create space and the ability to restore and recover, this sympathetic activation decreases (or at least stops escalating) and space opens for curiosity, appreciation, and calm connection.

Reason #6:

With mindfulness or holotropic-type breathing, the breath can lead us in therapeutic experiences of catharsis or the conscious reconnection with parts of ourselves that have been repressed or suppressed as we adapted to our individual and collective life stressors. When we lean into tension, stress, dissonance, or contraction in a conscious, chosen and supported way, we create space for even wider expansion when in restoration afterwards. 

It is vital to recognize that some (if not most) of your thoughts are not consciously chosen by you and cannot simply be ignored, pushed away, inverted to a positive and repeated incessantly, or negated out of existence. In fact, such practices are regarded as "spiritual bypassing" or suppression, which is akin to burying your garbage in your backyard until the toxicity and mass of junk builds to a boiling point. Instead, we must get curious about why there are certain thoughts that seem to intrude or take over our being, where our impulsive thoughts come from, and how to utilize our breath to expand our sense of self away from over-identifying with any one thought while simultaneously including, allowing, and embracing every aspect of who we are. Ultimately, our breath teaches us how to expand the space between stimulus and reaction to get access to the conscious choice we desire.

When we sustain the practice of conscious connected breathing for more than a few minutes we move into the territory of what's called an altered state of consciousness. In this consciously activated state, the body will bring memories, sensations, thoughts and/or various defense mechanisms to the surface that are a reflection of moments in the past when similarly felt physiological activation happened and potentially became imprinted in your psyche. When we can oscillate in and out of these uncomfortable happenings, mindfully navigating to the edges of the window of tolerance and back to safety and regulation, we can change our body's relationship and reaction to such experiences, and potentially release them from our system entirely.

Interested to learn more? My next breathwork group offer (Collective Exhale), begins April 3, 2023. Space is limited.

If you are interested in one on one sessions, reach out to me directly at marinmccue@gmail.com

xo

Marin

I believe...

As someone who grew up in a religion that I no longer ascribe to, I often find myself checking in regarding what I believe in now.

When I was in the grips of religion, belief felt weaponized. It was something to declare confidently in prayer around family and peers. It was something to bare boldly and assuredly in testimony meetings in front of a large congregation. Yet, for me, in my own private prayers, I begged for help and understanding as I wasn’t actually sure that I believed and I so desperately wanted to.

Even after I left the church, a part of me continued to flounder and search for something solid to believe in. While that journey has been long, and full of swings from one extreme to the other, I continue to feel myself land in a more stable, spacious and realistic place regarding what my existential beliefs are.

I sat with this contemplation a couple of days ago and put pen to paper to capture what began flowing through and out of me….

I believe in this moment

I believe that if I practice being fully present, humble, compassionate and open to what is unfolding right here and right now, that I have everything that I need to relate, to connect, to grow, to be nourished by wonder, love and awe, and to continually discover and uncover the depths and simplicity of presence. 

I believe that we, as nature, are innately intelligent. And this intelligence prospers and appears as miraculous when there is a critical mass of safety signals in the external and/or internal environment. 

I believe we are intricately connected, like mycelium, and are both individuals having a unique experience AND part of a greater whole that is inseparable. 

I believe in the power and complexity of paradox, and that black and white thinking is misleading, dangerously close minded, and the source of the majority of existential suffering in the world. 

That’s what I believe for now. And I believe that it will continue to change and evolve.

I leave you with the inspiring words of Ursula Goodenough from her book The Sacred Depths of Nature

“To assign attributes to mystery is to disenchant it, to take away its luminance…

Mystery, generates wonder, and wonder generates awe.

The gasp can terrify, or the gasp can emancipate.

As I allow myself to experience, cosmic and quantum mystery, I join the saints, and the visionaries in their experience of what they called the divine, and I pulse with the spirit…

Life can be explained by its underlying chemistry, just as chemistry can be explained by its underlying physics. But the life that emerges from the underlying chemistry of biomolecules is something more than the collection of molecules. 

Emergence. Something more from nothing but. 

And so I once again revert to my covenant with Mystery, and respond to the emergence of Life not with a search for its Design or Purpose but instead with outrageous celebration that it occurred at all. I take the concept of miracle and use it not as a manifestation of divine intervention but as the astonishing property of emergence.” 

xoxox

Your thoughts create your reality....?

We are the architects of our own reality as the way we think, feel and act are curating and reinforcing a way of being, relating with and perceiving the world within and around us. How simple and empowering it is to take responsibility of our own existence with the notion that we are the author of our own story and by changing our thoughts we can change everything.

While this concept is true, it is not the whole truth, and, in fact, is quite misleading. It is vital to recognize that some (if not most) of your thoughts are not consciously chosen by you and cannot simply be ignored, pushed away, inversed and repeated incessantly, or negated out of existence. We must get curious about why there are certain thoughts that seem to intrude or take over our being, where our impulsive thoughts come from, and how we need to utilize our breath to expand the space between stimulus and reaction to get access to a conscious response.

why there are certain thoughts that seem to intrude or take over our being

To truly take responsibility as the architect of our own reality, we must first acknowledge and understand that we have been programmed through experience to survive and adapt in the environment we were born into. These programmed survival skills are based in relationship. They are the coping adaptations that we developed to get attention from our caregiver, to create a sense of safety in an otherwise imperfect and dangerous environment, to get our needs met, or to handle the potential life-threat or confusion of feeling disconnected from a parental figure. How we perceive ourselves, others and the world around us is intimately linked to what we think others think about us, and this triggers different context dependent rulesets, or neural pathway hubs, or moods/parts that we developed at a young age as a protective strategy.

95% of what you think today, you also thought yesterday. So yes we can slowly consciously choose new thoughts and repeat them until they stick, and that is an important part of this process. Yet, that still leaves a huge gap as our subconscious system is a powerhouse and anytime our nervous system detects danger signals outweighing safety signals we revert to our reptilian threat detecting system that shunts access to higher cortical processes and leaves us repeating the thoughts and actions that are familiar and impulsive.

For anyone who is familiar with the feeling of alarm or the cyclical thoughts of anxiety that seem to be unexplained by what is actually happening in the present moment, this is the result of unresolved separation and ruptures of connection from a parental figure in childhood. Such a rupture without repair feels life threatening, and what a gift it is that our psyche can adapt by curating a story to make sense of a scary moment. Without the resolution or understanding of how this impacts us for the rest of our lives, these moments in time become what blocks us from love and connection and keep us repeating the same habits and cycles that we have deemed as being detrimental to our well being.

Where our impulSive thoughts come from

In the past, when something was too fast, too soon, or too much, and subsequently was not supported, validated or resolved with the help of a parental figure, that version of who we were in that moment became “frozen in time” and stored in our body. The intent is to always remember that moment of pain and cope with it in the way that “worked”. This is the birth of our anxious thinking that tries to mediate the pain and suffering of uncomfortable bodily sensations by rattling through all possible worst case scenarios, or our self critic that demeans and reprimands yourself because recognizing our parental figure as incapable or unsafe would have been too overwhelming to comprehend. This is the birth of the inner bully, the addict, people pleaser, the impulse to push or run away, our compulsion to play small or dominate (to name a few). These are young parts within that wisely learned to cope with an overwhelming situation or environment by taking control in a way that proved to dissolve, diminish, or momentarily distract from the danger or alarm. And what these little ones need now is the loving attention, reassurance and validation from YOU, the wise compassionate adult (or Higher Self) within.

how we need to utilize our breath to expand the space between stimulus and reaction to get access to a conscious response

The path forward is to repair these internal ruptures in the moments when they come screaming to the surface. When we feel the alarm of anxiety, the familiar self-talk of a limiting belief, or the compulsive urge to act out a habit that we no longer wish to continue, we must pause to create space to feel, listen and soothe ourselves.

The first step is to recognize that these intense alterations of emotion show up in a change in your breathing pattern and an increase in your arterial C02 levels. As your C02 levels increase, your body reacts with a “do something!” signal that is felt viscerally. Depending on your C02 tolerance, this slight spike in alarm could quickly shift from fear and anxiety into panic. Hyperventilation comes quickly when the breath is fast and chest-dominant as muscles tighten preparing for action. However, another possibility if the state of alarm remains, or is already so familiar and quickly leads to hopelessness, resulting in hypoventilation and symptoms of depression and dissociation.

C02 itself is the mediator of the stress reaction. A few calm, slow breaths with gentle breath holds at the top and/or bottom of in and out is all it takes to rebalance your blood chemistry and guide your body from alarm to safety. And to resolve the triggers that are stored in the body, we must turn towards the alarm and send it the love, reassurance and validation it didn’t receive in the moment it was imprinted into your system. These are the moments that we forgot how to breathe and shifted into an automatic reaction of bearing down, holding, bracing, and controlling. We learned to control our emotions and push away from pain by diminishing our breath. Overtime, our body adapted to that along with a pattern of dysfunctional breathing which became locked into our system, maintaining balance in the imbalance.

When we can recognize that every part of our psyche is there to help us survive, with an intention of protection, we can turn towards our impulsive thoughts in a new way. Rather than living from the neck-up, trying to change thoughts at the levels of thoughts, we need to practice opening and feeling from the neck-down, where these impulsive thoughts have roots and are coming from.

Your thoughts do create your reality. With experience you will come to understand the wisdom in Stpehn Porges words (creator of Polyvagal Theory) “story follows state.” Step back and notice how your thoughts, perceptions, mood and affect changes throughout the day and how that is connected to how you are breathing and moving (or not breathing and not moving!). First pause what you are doing, thinking or saying and turn towards your body with nurturance. Engage in conscious breath holds in between slow and rhythmic breaths to get anchored with the assist of balancing your C02 (and thereby increasing your oxygen intake). And then spend a few moments just feeling and moving (or engaging in conscious stillness to notice what is moving all on its own). Feel to heal. Your body needs to feel your loving attention so that the alarms turn off and our whole brain comes back online. Only then should we get into addressing what needs our attention externally. With breathwork we we can help our body remember how to breathe as we did before we learned to try to control everything, and then our thoughts change all on their own. Change the way you breathe to change the world around you and within you.

Let's breathe together

Stress is normal and healthy, but too much of anything is no longer a good thing. Currently many of us are dealing with chronic stress and there are certain personality types that seem to be predisposed toward more stress related diseases, which have been heightened due to recent world events. If you were already someone who experienced a discrepancy between the type of stressor you are experiencing and the type or intensity of coping response you mobilize into action in your mind and body, the interconnected state of our world and the increased amount of stimulation we experience throughout the day may be pouring fuel into an already dangerous fire. 

What can chronic stress look like? 

Feeling highly anxious, quick to anger, insatiably busy, talking and moving quickly, or desperately high-achieving. Feeling like there is no time to rest or ability to slow down and enjoy the fruits of your labor. This highly sympathetically charged state is known as hyperarousal, and the discrepancy is in the fact that even when there is no danger present, the system of chronically hyper-aroused people remains hyper-vigilant, perceiving danger cues in every situation and feeling incapable to relax and recover.

Or, perhaps you relate more with those who are stuck in a hypo-arousal state, most commonly seen in people with major depression and chronic exhaustion. Perhaps feeling disconnected from life and presence, dissociated from all or parts of your body, lacking hope or motivation, or like a thick fog has taken over your brain. This is the last line of defence for your nervous system, and is where you end up after intense bouts of trauma or long bouts of hyper-arousal that remain unresolved. 

I have lived periods of my life in both of these states, and I remember the heaviness and hopelessness of my existence I felt when stuck in hypo-arousal. The discrepancy here can be described most eloquently by Robert Sapolsky in his book “The Problem with Testosterone:”

“...people with major depression, as a result of life‘s painful lessons, have learned to be helpless. When faced with stressful challenges, they give up before things have even started. They don’t attempt to cope or if they happen to stumble onto something effective they don’t recognize it for what it is.”

An integral piece of information to include here is that both hyper and hypo-aroused states are highly intelligent and adaptive as your nervous system is implementing strategies to help you survive. Although it can feel counter-intuitive initially, we must pause to acknowledge and appreciate these reactions and the system that is putting them into action. At the very least, this increases some safety signals and starts to soften our state from the threat defense system into the mammalian caregiving system. Eventually, these reactions will lessen in their severity and intensity because of the Self-Compassion practice and the space for wisdom that emerges.

Coping strategies vary

Sapolsky continues on to describe another coping strategy that highlights a discrepancy between stressor and the physiological response mobilized into action. Other than hyper-arousal and hypo-arousal, there are also those who suppress what they feel consciously, or repress what they feel unconsciously. They may be perfectionists or feel a duty-bound resolve to follow rules, or retain a structured and predictable existence at all costs to avoid disorder of any kind, or simply those who keep a tight lid on emotions in fear of what will come out and, potentially, how others will perceive them. 

Again, these reactions or “personality types” began and continued on as adaptive responses to our individual environments’ and what helped us survive. There are young parts within each one of us (i.e. inner children) that still wield these reactions out of fear of what will happen if they don’t.

Whichever coping strategy you have developed to deal with stress, an aspect that I have found vitally important to remember through the process of doing my own work in learning how to regulate my nervous system and build my resilience, is that acute stress is good for us, in fact, it is essential. Whereas, chronic stress is the precursor to an extensive list of disorders and diseases. While we need to be aware of, and consciously take action to reduce chronic stress, it is equally important to work on changing our relationship with acute stress so that we can utilize it to strengthen our body-mind systems. 

Duration, Path and Outcome

According to neuroscientist and Stanford professor Andrew Huberman, when things are uncertain (which can be all the time, especially if we have a habit of focusing on uncertainty), the brain will immediately shift to solve for the following: Duration, Path and Outcome or DPO.

Duration: How long will 'this' take?

Path: What course, direction, pace or movement patterns will it take to arrive at a desired outcome?

Outcome: What will happen at the end?

Being in a state of assessing DPOs is like having your energy constantly leaking from a faucet that won’t turn off. Now let’s pause and reflect on these past three years with this in mind. 

How long will this last? Where is the finish line? What action can I take to get out of this? What’s waiting for us at the “finish line?”

There is so much outside our control and if that is what we focus on, we are creating our own health disaster.

Now the good news ...

We do not have to continue relying on our current coping mechanisms to manage, avoid, or simply survive. There is a different way.

We have teachings, practices, skills, and tools that are available now that give us exactly what we need to change our relationship with acute stress, take responsibility for what we can control, strengthen our focus and awareness to perceive differently, and reconnect with the unshakeable inner stability that remains present regardless of the constant change and flux in life … all of which changes our inner environment so that chronic stress cannot take hold. It’s called breathwork. 

No matter what personality type you relate with most at this time, or what relationship you currently have with stress, learning breath literacy will sharpen the tools you already have and expand your sense of feeling resourced and supported when the winds of life blow with a vengeance. Using your breath as an intervention as well as a lovely hand to hold throughout your day will empower you to shut off the tap that drains you, improve your overall health and enjoy more freedom from the pull into DPO’s.

Want to practice with me?

If you are in Calgary, and interested in learning the ways in which you can relax more efficiently, amp up your energy when you need to take action, and exercise your nervous system for more health and flexibility, join me for a breathwork gathering at The Practice Calgary (330 - 5010 Richard Road SW).

When: Tuesday December 6 & Tuesday December 13, 6-730pm (come to one or both)

If you would like to attend, please email media@thepracticecalgary.com with the date you would like to attend.

A $20 deposit via etransfer to billing@thepracticecalgary.com will reserve your spot at one event.

Space is limited, and I would loooooove to have some familiar smiling faces there with me. 

Let’s breathe together.

xo

Coping Mechanisms

We all having coping mechanisms that have helped us adapt and survive our upbringing and environment. Anything from pretending to be happy even when we are sad, to pulling out that bucket of ice cream, that joint, or bottle of wine when we are overwhelmed or need to “take the edge off”, to lacing up our running shoes when we feel the buzz of anxiety and the incessant feeling to “do something.” None of these activities on their own are coping mechanisms, it all depends on the state you are in right before you impulsively take action. And, as you can imagine, or most likely can relate to, some vices are healthier than others. However, what all vices have in common is that they have helped you cope and survive situations in the past that otherwise felt unbearable.

This past week I was in a cycle of anxiety that lasted several days (and nights), and it became an opportunity for me to come face to face with all of my coping mechanisms. In the past, I vilified these habits and compulsions that I used (what felt like unsuccessfully) to avoid discomfort or soothe anxiety. Because I have healed much of what these coping mechanisms used to be called on to help me with, I had somewhat forgotten about how intense they were and how hard it is to see outside their narrow lens when in their grip. Some are very old and still in need of an update (i.e., over exercising, restrictive eating, over thinking and dwelling on “what’s wrong?”, binge-watching netflix, and pushing community away), and some I have practiced and adopted over the past decade that have changed my life for the better (i.e., breathwork, meditation, self compassion, recommitting to my basic needs, and pausing to feel before taking action). One of the hardest parts about these “old vices” is that they are tactics that kind of work, albeit only momentarily, and that’s enough to keep me coming back to them when in the grips of anxiety that doesn’t dissipate quickly.

The gift of my anxiety this week was an intimate reacquaintance with these coping mechanisms, and a renewed sense of gratitude that I only have episodes of this deep struggle rather than it being a daily ongoing occurrence. It was an opportunity to further my compassion practice by honoring and appreciating these vices for their role in helping me survive and their intention to alleviate suffering. It was a great reminder to get curious about what these coping mechanisms are trying to do for me, and recommit to other practices that help me cope, soothe and survive in a more sustainable and healthy way. Vilifying these mechanisms or trying to remove them without replacing them with something else is equivalent to vilifying a river dam for its damage to the environment and promptly rip it down, neglecting to consider that it’s also diverging water from a town nearby that will now flood with this sudden excess of water.

For example, when I notice the trend towards over-exercising and food restriction, I can honor and appreciate my body for trying to find more control and for guiding me towards the need to feel strong and powerful. While these are not inherently “bad”, too much of anything is no longer good. I can remind myself that moving slow and listening to my body also helps me feel powerful. I can feel the urge to exercise alongside deep exhaustion and choose yoga nidra instead to access the strength in my heart and soul. I can practice and choose to feed my body when it’s hungry or when I simply know I need nourishment and view this as a prayer to my body and brain that do so much for me and deserve to have the energy, pleasure and comfort that food provides.

These insights and reminders come from other ways that I have learned to cope, which is to lean into the literature that highlights our culture’s dysfunctional view of body, health and diet, and recognize that I am not alone, nor to blame, in these body dysmorphic ideas. I also recognize that reflecting and writing is a great coping mechanism for me, and finding ways to express how I am feeling to help energy move through me. Lastly, I know how important it is to have people in my life that I can be honest, real and raw with, and I ensured that this week I expressed to my community and my close friends in various ways, because we heal and grow stronger together.

My hope is that you who is reading this now, will garner some insight and wisdom in how to shift your relationship with your current coping mechanisms as well. We all need ways to cope and adapt for our protection and survival. First appreciate and honor the habits that do that for you now, the healthy and the “river dams” and then get curious about other ways to cope that will support you in slowly diverging that river elsewhere before you attempt to rip that dam down.

From my heart to yours,

xo

Marin

Yoga Nidra program for 80% off!

It is time to wake up and notice our dysregulated nervous system. And I am offering my Yoga Nidra program at 80% off for a limited time to help you do just that! Read to the end to get the promocode for this offer.

For many of us, when something happens that increases danger signals or DIMs, a cascade of changes happen to mobilize our system for action, such as, our heart rate increases, brain waves speed up, our breath shifts more to the chest as it quickens or becomes strained in an attempt to suppress some uncomfortable feelings arising, and our vision narrows, which also mirrors the narrowing in our perspective, perception of self and others, aligning with the signals of increasing danger.

On average, this triggered cascade of the fight or flight survival system happens 50-300 times per day, and for some of us, it is chronic. Reflect on these past few years and how hard your nervous system has been working to protect you!

What Happens Next?

Once a system spends a considerable amount of time "out of balance," the wise body adapts around this "new normal" and a plethora of results can manifest (i.e. fast breathing at rest, IBS, hypertension, chronic insomnia, disease/cancer, ADHD, etc.), all of which make regulation, restorative and relaxation difficult, uncomfortable and seemingly out of reach. The body-mind now resists what it truly needs because it has familiarized and created homeostasis around an imbalanced state of being.

Sometimes we need to slow down and recognize that an intervention is needed. When we stay in a dysregulated state, not only do we increase our likelihood of developing disease, we are also at the mercy of a system full of outdated programming and we fall into the trap of the illusion of separation and victimhood. Yoga Nidra is your invitation and guide to wake up and reshape your nervous system.

Why I Created This Program

I have created this online program to teach and inspire you how to rest, and to do it well. Rest is not extra, is vital, and it needs to be a priority. If you find rest to be unsettling, un-enjoyable, far from reach, or not even on your radar, then this program is for you. 

“Rest is sacred. It is vital. It is non-negotiable. No longer think of rest as a long departure from more important work. Think of it as an integrated, continuous return to your deepest work: being all the way alive. The eternal ones understand us and whisper to us now: children, in every moment, no matter what you face, you can heal yourself with rest. Rest is a life skill. When you master it, you realize it is not a departure from your life. It is the soul of your life.  A nurturing you do in the garden of each precious Breath and moment. Freedom.”

- By Jaiya John (Fragrance after rain: Mystic whispers for your tender heart)

Your program begins the day you register. 

Find out more information here: Yoga Nidra Registered Program

Use promocode/coupon: yoganidra4everyone to get this at 80% off! The Inspired Yoga and Wellness website will be shutting down on December 18, so you have until December 15 to take advantage of this content at this reduced cost. Content can be downloaded until December 18 so you can take your time to enjoy it again and again.

Here is a short-ish Yoga Nidra recording that will give you a taste of what this practice feels like.

Love, Marin

A FILTER to access your Innate Intelligence

A healthy nervous system is a flexible nervous system. What does this mean? Well, first of all, every state of the nervous system serves a purpose and is to be appreciated and included as we journey through our day and our life. We are not meant to feel open, calm and collected ALL THE TIME. However, it is also true that it is best to make decisions and take action when we are feeling our best. Ultimately, a flexible nervous system is one that moves through the full spectrum of states available and doesn’t get stuck or doesn’t remain bouncing within a narrow window of possibility.

To be human is to feel, to emote, to experience a complex mixture of desires, hopes, sorrows, and many other emotions simultaneously. And sometimes, this makes it really difficult to see through what’s here now and remember the bigger picture. At times it may feel like your vision and body has narrowed, tightened up, and can only fixate on one thought, story, injustice, pain, or moment in time. Other times we might feel distracted or discombobulated, unsure what we are really feeling and what we need, yet very clearly unable to focus or take action from a present and future-thinking stance.

While all of these, and many more, states are normal and to be appreciated, felt, and listened to, surely you would also like to have a practice to help yourself out and get back into the flexibility and flow that is your birthright. Just because we practice compassion, include and allow what is here now, does not mean that we would like to stay in what feels like suffering and is impeding our relationships.

If you are a follower of my blog or have experienced a workshop or coaching session with me, you may be familiar with the acronym I use to help slow down and dive deeper into what’s here now to garner some wisdom and access calm. This post is going to explore that a little more, and I will add in more detailed interventions to use before stepping into the practice depending on what state you find yourself in.

BRITA

BRITA is an acronym to be practiced step by step as a tool to access more safety signals and shine the light of your loving attention on your body and its sensations. I like to bring in the reminder before we begin that there is no expectation for deep insight or profound wisdom at the end of the experience. While that is a possibility, take note that this is simply a practice of interoception - feeling your internal experience. And research has shown that building our interoceptive capacity improves our emotional intelligence, increases our stress resiliency and self awareness, and decreases the chance of age related cognitive decline. So this practice has a lot of value and benefit to your overall well being and quality of life.

The cascade of reactions that happen in each moment occur quickly, and it can be hard to understand how to pause, and equally challenging to know what to do in that pause. If we are to step off the path of habitual reaction and create space for a new story, a new choice, and a new habit, we need to slow down so we can re-appraise, reframe, and restore.

Rather than simply trying to cognitively repeat new thoughts or tell yourself what you need to hear or just rely on acting your way into a new way of thinking, we can interrupt this cycle at the level of sensation to create space for a new story and the possibility for healing.

When we turn inwards and towards what we are feeling, bring awareness to sensation and notice what happens in our perceptual ideation of it - rather than simply react - we increase SIMs (safety in my system) and decrease DIMs (danger in my system). By practicing the step by step BRITA process, we have a tangible pathway to shifting our nervous system state and ultimately changing the way we see, feel, think, and act.

BRITA is a guided interoceptive practice to cultivate space to breathe around sensations and emotions by generating loving "with-ness" to calm, validate, respond and reappraise.

"The core emotional experiences of the past that have an impact on our current experience are by their nature uncomfortable. Our automatic impulse is to push them out of our awareness so that we can get on with our life. This is called suppression and is achieved through sedation and control. This is akin to a jar full of water, as your authentic self, the awareness of our authentic true present nature. And the oil in the jar is the uncomfortable emotional, physical and mental experiences. Shaking the jar endlessly in an attempt to change our experience just mixes the water and oil so we can’t see where they separate. All our endless doing and thinking results in a murky mixture. Reactivity is shaking the jar. Response is allowing the jar to come to stillness, so we can slowly scoop out the oil. Put the jar down, watch it, and allow the oil to come to the surface" - Michael Brown

Let’s walk through the steps of BRITA together, and then I will offer some examples of various states you might find yourself in that would be great times to engage in BRITA, including the slight change in breath intervention that would serve specific states.

B - Breath

R - Recognize

I - Include and Identify

T - Track It

A - Address It

B - BREATHE: Easier said than done, right? Put a pin in this step as you walk through the remaining steps. We are going to circle back to this one and I will offer some detailed interventions depending on what you are noticing in your state and breath.

R - RECOGNIZE with loving presence: Turn towards and acknowledge the state you are in or experience you are having. This creates space for relationality as you notice, name and witness what arises, rather than being blended or taken over by it. Toggle back to full attention on your breath any time you feel a narrowing or lose connection to a spacious breath. When possible or ready to do so, go deeper and meet the raw sensation beneath the emotion of protection to interrupt the cycle of limiting beliefs.

I - INCLUDE & IDENTIFY with curiosity and compassion: What sensations are readily available to be felt? Where in your body and/or mind do you notice the sensation(s)/activation? With as much descriptive detail as possible, how would you label and describe what you are feeling? How does it broadcast from your body? Does it have a shape? Is it clear, fuzzy, empty, deep or heavy? Is there an ache, a numbness, or stuck-ness? Is it dull, sharp, mild, intense, squeezing in, collapsing in, pushing out, dense, subtle or loud? Notice and then notice more.

T - TRACK IT with mindful observance and non-attachment: Be with and feel the sensations unconditionally. Witness change with calm abiding. Observe without judgement as the sensations arise, move, shift, pulse, tingle, grow, transform, open, close and travel through your body. Can you sustain curiosity, awe, wonder and love as you create space around whatever it is you are feeling? Just witness the natural flow without an agenda, without manipulating it or trying to fix it. Send your breath to any areas of your body that need support. Allow these sensations to transform back into their true nature; energy in motion.

A - ADDRESS IT with self-compassion & Discharge Excess Energy: Turn towards what you feel and hold loving space for the wisdom that surfaces when the activated part(s) within you feel safe, seen and heard. Whatever arises is doing so to protect you in whatever way has worked in the past. Remain in a state of open arms to self-soothe, embrace, allow, accept, deeply listen, while simultaneously transmuting what you feel through your heart-centered awareness and gentle reassurance with conscious communication. Check in with your basic needs (i.e. are you hungry, activated, lonely, tired?) and make an action plan once you feel calm and connected to the space beyond your struggle or "problem." Let your body shake and move, or actively get moving to support your body in releasing the surge of energy that may have built up in this activation.

Self Compassion shifts our nervous system from the reptilian threat defense system to the mammalian caregiving system. This releases oxytocin and opiates that activates the parasympathetic nervous system and lowers cortisol, calming us down. You can also try various forms of Bilateral Stimulation (physically with movement or emotionally and mentally by holding/including opposite emotions.)

"The goal of the practice is not perfection, it's to be a compassionate mess." - Kristin Neff

BREATH interventions

Let’s imagine a scenario, (perhaps you can even recall a time recently that you experienced something similar), when you felt lethargic, weighed down, collapsed, or even numb/dissociated from your body and the present moment. In order to access Box Breath, and then a calm and smooth breath to dive down to be with sensations, we first need to get some energy flowing.

Breath Technique to Upregulate before BRITA

Now, let’s imagine a scenario where you are feeling anxious, frustrated or enraged, and perhaps you can recall a time recently when you felt something like this. In these moments, we need to calm our system down a bit to create space for box breath. A friend recently described her attempts at box breath when in this activated state as feeling like the box was tiny and wouldn’t open up. So, here is a breath technique to downregulate before box breath and BRITA.

You will also find that there are times when you are feeling just slightly activated or just a little bit drowsy, but it’s not extreme. Most likely you will be able to move right into Box Breath and receive what you need to begin your journey through BRITA. The point is, it’s good to have a couple of other options and interventions so that when one doesn’t seem to work, you have another tool to pull out and try.

I hope this post offered some ideas and inspiration to feed your curiosity and your courage to slow down and move in to meet what is happening inside and beneath the surface of your experience. BRITA truly is a filter than can foster relationship saving and sustainable change. I would love to hear how it goes for you.

xox

Marin

Wound to Wisdom

How to guide from Wound to Wisdom

We all have trauma responses frozen in our body and psyche. The moments in our upbringing (and in our generational lineage) that were too much, too fast, too soon and we didn’t have the space, resources or support to process it fully or to repair what had ruptured with our whole selves present. Our body is so wise in these moments. It fragments our psyche, it numbs and dissociates from emotion and sensation, and it makes a resolution to never again be in a position of powerlessness to feel this hurt again. What a gift.

As we get older, it’s our duty to ourselves, our lineage, and humanity at large, to bring light to these shadows, to turn towards what has been separated and exiled, and to update our internal system so that we can respond with our full awareness and foster the present and future we desire rather than replaying and reacting the wounds of our past.

Easier said than done, I know. As this is something I have been practicing for some time, I know that this is a process of unravelling and updating. I playfully hear the tune and words of the Britney Spears song, “Oops I did it again” when I observe myself reacting in ways that are familiar and automated. It takes practice, compassion and patience to meet these reactions with gentleness and see the gifts of wisdom that are being presented. I hope that in sharing my latest spiral into my trauma response and how I garnered wisdom from it, will inspire you, and maybe even offer guidance, to see yourself with more space and compassion as well.

What I have been practicing…

My high level daily practice is to notice the sensations - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually - of contraction and congestion so that I can turn towards them with spaciousness and openness. This is not to belittle or stop the contractions from happening, quite the contrary. I am in awe of these contractions and I know they are in service of my survival. I also know too much of anything is no longer a good thing, and a moment of contraction that becomes hours, days, weeks, etc., is the catalyst for dis-ease on every level of my being. And more often than not, these moments of contraction that derail me from flow and presence are also the signposts of being triggered in a trauma response.

What was I noticing…

I have been noticing these past few weeks a lack of spaciousness in the way I am showing up in engagements. A bit of rush to get things done so I can retreat back to being on my own and in that space I feel myself collapse into it rather than flow with it. In some conversations I feel myself slightly disengaged, that same sense of a part of me watching the clock and counting the minutes until I can leave, and an overall sense of lacking curiosity. Rather than asking questions to hear more or to truly get to know someone, I am keeping at surface level and feeling congestion as if there is not space for me to take in someone else’s energy fully. Sure I can push down these parts that creating rush and a desire to disconnect, and I can put the hat on of a curious person and an engaged conversationalist, yet this is exhausting to keep up. There are few things in life that feel as nourishing and pleasurable than the authentic and genuine engagement and curiosity that comes from an inner system that is in resonance.

I have also felt and noticed that in the past few weeks I had suddenly created a lot of new beginnings with relationships, projects and plans. What started as a few new projects and some excitement, quickly turned into a drive for “more” as I reached out to more people for connection or support, and spun the few projects I had on my plate into another offering. A part of me wants to be able to sustain a “full schedule” and prove my worth and skill. A part of me feels proud of what I offer and my power in supporting others, and wants to do more. These intentions are beautiful and come from a good place. And I know from past experience, and from this current experience, that being led by these parts takes me into further contraction, anxiety and shutdown. This is a pattern I am very familiar with.

Where’s the trauma response in this…

The initial surge of action and commitments in my schedule touched a part of me that fears getting overwhelmed and overloaded. My automated protection mechanism that fires up when I feel the fear of overwhelm leads me to deny and avoid what I am feeling and take control by doing more. The gift in this is that what starts as a denial and pushing away of the overwhelm quickly leads to an undeniable feeling and situation of too much, at which point, I have no choice but to cancel, bail, and clear space to settle and restore.

What to do with this pattern…

With awareness comes great power. When I find myself vacating my body, craving space to collapse into, and living in the meandering and ruminating of the mind, I have pushed myself too hard and I have overridden signals that have been whispering and nudging for me to create space to slow down and listen.

When I find myself feeling more contraction and congestion that increases rather than subsides, I know I am getting wrapped up and taken over by a trauma response. Reaction is the past. Response is presence and future. In reactive moments we can get to know our trauma landscape and learn about ourselves as we uncover our shadows.

Reactivity is a trigger that leads to a disconnection from what’s happening and an automation takes over (either hyperarousal of activation/anxiety and/or hypoarousal of dissociation/shutdown) from our unintegrated past before we can fully experiencing what is. Responsiveness is the ability to feel the experience with space and awareness, patiently and willingly feeling what’s moving until the surge softens, and then choose relationality while remaining in the window of presence.

This is literally the practice…pause and feel the sensations of your reactive state and all of the ideas of action, retaliation, problem solving, the familiar stories and rumination, and soothe yourself into a state of calm connection. Only take action or speak out loud after that first step. This is how we stop the replaying of patterns and reactive loops in our physical world and relationships, and, instead, respond from your heart and the wisdom that’s been unearthed to co-create the present and future we desire for ourselves and others.

What is my real life learning and application from this latest insight…

I had launched my four part online Breath Literacy program from this state of a trauma response. It was beginning to feel contracted and heavy, and I realized I had created and promoted before being in any kind of co-creation with those who might be interested in such an offering. I had to sit with my reactive impulse to cancel it and feel into what was actually going on and the gem of wisdom that was waiting to be uncovered.

I don’t want to create and promote programs to individuals or to offer what hasn’t been asked for. I want to deliver and facilitate to groups and individuals who have asked for support and have played a role in creating what they desire. The initial surge of excitement for this project came from another project that is grounded in my core values of co-creation, community and compassion, and I realize now that this new program came from a desire for more and a denial of what I was feeling, rather than sinking in and being with what is here now.

So, now what?

The online Breath Literacy program is being removed from my calendar as a forced project that requires effort and energy to promote and gain attention, and is back in the “shop” for some shape-shifting. It is wonderful content that is full of important, inspiring and pleasurable information and practices. It just needs time to be conversed, co-created and transformed into an offering that lands in the hearts of others who are seeking this as much as I desire birthing it. For now, if you are interested in learning more about breath literacy and how befriending your nervous system gifts you insights to garner wounds to wisdom, send me a message. Perhaps I’ll curate a list of those who are interested and we can co-create a program in the near future that serves your curiosity and desire.

With love, and a more spacious mind and heart, bye for now.

xox

Marin

Practice Breath Literacy

A few night’s ago, I was laying in bed trying to relax into sleep. My thoughts were slowly meandering through the events of the day, and I found myself startled as I recalled a moment while commuting home at dusk on my bike. I had a close call with a car that didn’t see me. I noticed that this memory had a loud presence in my mind and my body began to experience more tension. Tension that had already been there was starting to feel worse and I began labelling it as not good. Suddenly I was thinking about all of the ways that close-call could have ended poorly. My thoughts then quickly shifted into replaying a memory from three years ago when I stood on my 18th floor apartment balcony watching a chaotic and bloody scene on the road after a cyclist was killed by a driver.

I tried to think about something else, anything else, but I kept getting pulled back into that memory and my body felt tight and uncomfortable. Now I was imagining how that cyclist could have been me or someone I know and love. As I came to the realization that my system was activated and I couldn’t steer my thoughts else where, I turned towards my breath instead.

It was tight, shallow, and didn’t have much of a rhythm or space to move. I brought my hands to my belly and heart and focused more and more on my bodily sensations as I encouraged my inhale to be slow, low, soft, yet full, a gentle pause with full lungs, and a long exhale with an audible sigh. With two breaths I already felt a shift happening. My body began to soften, my breath began moving with more ease, and the grip of my attention completely released from where it had been previously stuck. I began to melt into sleep with a smile on my face.

Breath Literacy

Your nervous system is the master controller of your body and mind, and your breath is the gateway to unlocking its power and potential. The pace, quality, perspective and narrative in our mind is a byproduct of the nervous system state we are in. This gives us tremendous possibility and power as we turn inwards to befriend our nervous system. Imagine for a moment that your life experience is akin to adventuring down a wild and wondrous river. When you have an intimate relationship and understanding of your breath, you have the ores, the awareness, and the skills to navigate swiftly through the river of life. Breath literacy leads to the ability to stay centered, to meet the rapids and come back to calm as soon as you’re through, to enjoy the lazy river moments with ease and bliss, to amp up your speed at will, and to surrender to the journey with pleasure.

As we turn the lights on in our inner system, we can observe and appreciate the ways our breath rhythm may have adapted over time to keep our body in balance even during the tumultuous waves of this journey. This wise system requires the occasional intervention as we can get locked in patterns that in the long term are actually detrimental.

If this sparks curiosity and desire to learn more, reach out. I would love to connect.

xo

*Cover photo by Studio Lumen

Relation-shapeshift

"Healing is about taking the time to notice what gets in the way of feeling connected to your life, your community, and your sense of possibility. Healing, at its core, is about slowing down so that we can better listen to ourselves and each other." - Susan Raffo

How to become a relationship-shapeshifter

In a day and age when we are more connected than ever, why is it that the same tools that are in service of connection tend to also be the culprits in our sense of aloneness, delusion and separation? Are the tools to blame? Are we victims of the programming of the matrix? What choices do we have other than engage and follow the rules or completely disengage?

I have been grappling with my relationship with social media for many years. At the beginning of the summer, the noise was too loud, I was overstimulated and in a state of self-blame. I needed to step away to gain clarity in what I truly needed and wanted. I have come to call this phase of my learning as the “trial separation.”

Step #1: Trial Separation

I needed space to see and feel what it was like without the constant stimuli of social media. What did I miss about it? What was I happy to be without? When and how did it pop into my mind even though I wasn’t engaging with it? What did I feel and believe about it as time passed?

After several months, I started to realize that running away, blaming, vilifying, or avoiding are not the routes I want to consciously choose. As I sat with this possibility, I heard the words arise: “It’s not you, it’s not me, it’s both, and the space between.” I began to think about my relationship with social media as needing a conscious uncoupling. This concept was first depicted from the book by Katherine Woodward Thomas titled, Conscious Uncoupling: The 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After. True to its name, this form of uncoupling is one that slows the process down to dive deep into the triggers, limited beliefs, and subsequent habits of protection that get in the way of a healthy relationship. This imbues the experience of separation with growth and wisdom, each person walking away with the skills and deeper knowing that sets them up to ensure they don’t continue these same patterns in any other or new relationship. 

As I contemplated what this could mean for me and social media, I became excited by the possibility of what I could learn and how that would lead to more awareness and self-understanding. Potentially, I could re-engage in a new way that abides by my boundaries and rules rather than that of the brilliant programming that curates these platforms as tools of addiction, comparison and competition, and a see-saw of hyperarousal and hypoarousal.

I sat down with a friend who had expressed similar struggles in this realm, and we walked through these steps together. She is currently working on a blog post to explore her leanings and inspiration from this project and I will link it here as soon as it is live. I have included a few examples (from a long list we wrote down on a large post-it note) of what we uncovered, reclaimed and created, which you will find at the end of each step. I would be happy to share if you are interested.

Step #2: Name it to Tame It

Just like a romantic couple taking a break from their relationship, sometimes a bit of space away is what is needed to quiet the noise and learn what impact the relationship is truly having. In order to create change and transformation, there must be the willingness to sift through and feel the emotions and stories that arise and are wrapped up or blended in the relationship. This is both the pleasurable and the painful to allow everything to flow through you: the beautiful and the stuff that might be hard to admit, hard to look at, and hard to sit with. Invite and include it all to come to the surface.

Examples:

“It’s noisy”

“It’s an energy black hole that requires way more effort than what it returns”

“It’s art”

“It’s a hurtful place, a place where I blend in”

“I feel foolish for participating”

“I feel overwhelmed and emotionally numb”

Step #3: Why it’s not working

Time to get real. Reflect and write down the toxic patterns that are alive and well in this relationship – that perpetuate the cycle you want to release. No need to blame or express shame. It is so human to develop coping strategies to avoid discomfort, or habits of thought and action that may soothe you momentarily yet create pain and struggle long-term. We are on the path to freedom here, so be honest and let yourself see and write down what is not working.

Examples:

“It leads me to feel, or I reach for it when I already feel emotionally numb.”

“There is a false hope I fall into that has me put less effort into other ways to connect…’If you post it they will come’”

“I consistently get pulled out of presence to think about what to post”

“Apathy towards my own contribution”

Step #4: See the Bigger Picture

We all have reasons for our unconscious patterns and behaviors. At this point, it is time to soften, get curious, and express understanding and compassion towards yourself. Even though your actions may be producing an effect you do not desire, I guarantee that your intention comes from a pure and subconscious place of protection, belonging, care, fear, wanting others to feel good, wanting to feel good, seen, heard or loved yourself. Take your time to validate your efforts as they come from a very normal and relatable desire. This is a great time to also write out a few sentences declaring and affirming what it is you truly desire. When you know what it is that you truly want and need, your efforts can more easily align and your results will get closer and closer to what will nourish and satiate you.

Examples:

“I care so much about my business”

“I believe that what I have to share it of value”

“I want high quality, sustainable, healthy relationships”

“We are bombarded with messages to simplify, automate, follow a template for ‘success’, and attract more, and what I really want is depth, to lead by example in the art of slowing down and revering quality over quantity, to operate with inclusion, and have energy and space to connect.”

Step #5: Relation-shapeshift

This relationship is ready to be reformed, reimagined, and re-engaged with. Set your new healthy boundaries to support the upkeep of new habits. You are not the victim, you are the magician that gets to co-create from a conscious, authentic, and heart-led state. Guided by what you desire, set the parameters, the container, the check-ins or accountability needed, and watch as you re-create your reality. The matrix has little power over people who no longer victimize nor vilify, instead, take responsibility, learn and grow through the initiation of meeting the program and what it triggers in you, and then step back in as the shapeshifter.

Examples:

“I will unfollow accounts that I have little to no engagement with, and curate what I see to be actually what gives me joy and keeps me connected to the people and communities that I have the space, energy and capacity to connect with”

“My passion, joy, and love for what I post outweighs all other metrics and measurements”

“I will prioritize my in person relationships and present moment experience”

“I will only post snippets of something that has much more depth, in a lived experience with others, in a blog, article, or resource of some kind”

“Before I open the app, I will pause, be still or move as I breathe and feel what is alive in me for at least 30 seconds. And I will log out of the app every time I close it”

I would love to hear your thoughts on this blog. Perhaps you want to join me in the relation-shapeshift with social media, or something else entirely. This is a conversation I would be happy to engage in on my social media, email, or maybe on the street when we see each other. I look forward to connecting with you.

Resonance

The most profound things in life tend to have the non-dualistic qualities of simplicity and complexity weaved together. The importance and power of resonance is one of those profound things.

This week I was on a zoom call called the Moon Group. Hosted by Mukara of Matrixworks, this bi-weekly gathering is curated to experience the group as a living organism as we explore and practice topics related to nervous system regulation and heart-led connection. This week’s theme: resonance. My experience on this call left me reflecting on my relationship with this concept throughout the summer, and I found myself compelled to capture some key insights.

What is Resonance?

Resonance refers to the phenomenon of two vibrating objects coming into harmony and then amplifying as one. Think of two different sounds vibrating through space, that when in harmony, converge to create a louder or fuller sound in unity. The beauty here is that neither individual sound is lost, in fact, both are needed wholly for the emergence of the resonance and amplification.

In the therapeutic and relational realm, resonance is a field of safety and connection that is conjured when we turn towards ourselves to hold space and when we attune with another person. Attunement requires the qualities of slowing down and listening with all of one’s senses. To attune, there is a pre-requisite of a regulated nervous system, as without such, we are blocked from connection. When attuned and in resonance, the field of safety expands and contracts with an aliveness, just like the breath.

My Journey with Resonance

At the beginning of this past summer I was noticing an edginess in my nervous system. I was quick to react, viewing myself and the world through an anxious and bewildered lens, and finding myself stuck in my protective mechanisms on a daily basis. I was displaying all of the common signs of a nervous system that was in hypervigilance and landing in the occasional shutdown of hypoarousal. I leaned into this and took it as an opportunity to meet these parts of me with more compassion and space to listen. I set the intention to slow down for the summer, to clear space wherever was possible, and “stand still” until I rooted back into the earth, into presence, and could make decisions and take action from a regulated and grounded state.

I stepped away from social media, I cleared my schedule, I concluded programs I was offering at the time and I restrained myself from creating or offering anything new.

In this space over the summer, I felt my nervous system unravel and surface exhausted, frazzled, ashamed, and impatient parts of me that needed my loving attention. As I held loving space for what was arising, I also found deeper and deeper solace and restoration. I felt my nervous system flexibility come back and I could notice more nuance and detail in sensations. I sat with impulses and desires and emotions with more patience and ease than ever before.

On the other end of that “retreat”, I have a clear sense of direction and a truer connection with myself, who I am now at this phase of my life.

Insights on Resonance

I have learned and experienced the importance in maintaining a sense of resonance throughout my day and in all that I do. This has me re-looking at my relationship with social media and how I can change the way I use it so that it resonates with who I am rather than overwhelms or over-stimulates me with noise and the subsequent emotional reactions of my protector parts.

I have come to a place of revering resonance with a sense of awe while also remembering that resonance with myself and others is a birthright. There is actually nothing extraordinary to resonance when this is remembered. We all are deserving and in need of resonance for survival.

My reverence and admiration of resonance leads me to taking on the task of being the consistent regulated nervous system in all the spaces I enter, because it requires at least one regulated nervous system to create the field that others are invited into. This also increased my compassion and empathy for those around me who act out in ways that could easily be labeled with disdain and anger, as there are many people who were brought into this world, and continue to live within, an environment that lacked a regulated nervous system to attune to.

I have also learned an imperative difference between true healing resonance and that of being lost or taken over by someone else’s energy. Resonance is a form of integration. It is an adding and an expansion as an emergence, not a blending, a pouring in or a taking on of anyone else’s energy. This is clear when you begin with creating resonance with yourself, and then turn towards another to resonate with them, and then include yourself as you resonate with self and the other. As Daniel Siegal says “Integration is a fruit salad, not a smoothie.”

As I first began my study and experiencing of resonance, I landed on the phrase “drop your shield, and step into the field.” Resonance is the field. The field is the space where appreciation, gratitude, compassion and love flow freely and create a shared experience of safety, presence and healing. This is the resonant field. This is where we co-regulate, heal, unravel, commune, and create a new way of engaging with ourselves and the world.

As I begin to step back into creating and engaging in a more expansive way, I am doing so with the intention of moving slowly so that I can honor resonance in every breath, word and action. If you would like to follow along and join in when the time is right for you, join my newsletter or simply reach out to say hi.

Thanks for taking the time to read and feel my words.

xoxo

Why Breath Literacy?

A problem in our modern culture has arisen as a surprising symptom of what is also one of our greatest feats; scientific and technological innovation. In some ways the convenience and comfort of consumerism has significantly improved quality of life and increased access to knowledge, wisdom and medicine that would otherwise be out of reach, yet in other ways it has contributed to our demise. As I like to say, "too much of anything is no longer a good thing."

In our collective thirst for outsourcing and seeking a magic "pill" as a remedy for what ails us, many people have lost touch with what their own body is capable of.

Rather than relying wholly on the bounty of pharmaceuticals available when seeking assistance with conditions like anxiety, insomnia, IBS, depression or PTSD, we would all be better off if we also understood how resourced we are with tools like a change of diet, more exercise, somatic therapy, meditation, the ceremonial use of plant medicine, and breath literacy.

Did you know: Research suggests that many common modern struggles like anxiety, lethargy, general nervous system dysregulation, asthma, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, psoriasis, heart disease, cancer, incontinence, constipation, sleep apnea, and insomnia can be reduced or reversed simply by learning how to breathe properly and optimally.

“(Scientists) discovered that our capacity to breathe has changed through the long processes of human evolution, and that the way we breathe has gotten markedly worse since the dawn of the Industrial Age. They discovered that 90 percent of us - very likely me, you, and almost everyone you know - is breathing incorrectly and that this failure is either causing or aggravating a laundry list of chronic diseases...

This work was upending long-held beliefs in Western medical science.

Yes, breathing in different patterns really can influence our body weight and overall health.

Yes, how we breathe really does affect the size and function of our lungs.

Yes, breathing allows us to back into our own nervous system, control our immune response, and restore our health.

Yes, changing how we breathe will help us live longer.

The missing pillar in health is breath. It all starts here.”

- James Nestor, Breath

Breathing is both regulated by and deeply influential on a fundamental system in the brainstem which is receiving and delivering information with all other systems of the body. It's like a superhighway, and how we breathe reflects the health and quality of the roads, the weather patterns circulating the system, the organization of traffic, and the efficacy of each car arriving at its desired destination.

The unconscious pace, depth, and rhythm of your breath is an expression of your brainstem's assessment of the necessary dose of energy anticipated for your body’s needs and performance and is functioning within a window of current carbon dioxide tolerance dictated by your breathing habits of the past.

Ideally, our breath becomes slower and softer at rest, expanding more in the low belly and with less volume of air moving. Conversely, when mobilized and in need of more energy, our breath speeds up, shifts to more chest movement, and increases in volume of air being moved.

An optimal breath will also shift back to a restful breath as soon as mobilization and energy needs decrease. The problem for many people is a lifestyle, culture, habits, and past traumas, injuries or emotional wounds, that all feed into keeping our nervous system dysregulated or operating within a narrow bandwidth of activation for far too much of the day, missing out on the vital component of consistently and predictably regulating after activation for a flexible and adaptive nervous system.

With breath literacy, you will improve your mental and physical health, increase your Self awareness, interoceptive skills, and your ability to self regulate to mediate emotions or shifts nervous system states as desired.

It’s not enough to just know what an optimal and functional breath looks like or cognitively understand the purpose and power of self compassion (or any other integral quality for well being). We also must honor that every part of you is working in service of safety and homeostasis, maintaining balance within the current system's boundaries. Our wise system has found balance in what it has been exposed to and we can’t just swiftly change one thing without impacting and exposing the whole system. There are many reasons why we stop breathing well, and to course-correct, it is best to make slow and steady changes. When there is force or manipulation of the breath without the equal importance of surrendering to your body’s guidance and wisdom by allowing your body to breathe in the way that feels good, we can cause overwhelm or unnecessary suffering and disruption.

So where to start?

1. Get curious about your own breathing patterns and habits.

2. Develop a daily-ish practice of pausing to relax and be with your breath. Guide it to be slow(er), feel it low(er), and soften and smooth it out like a wave massaging your internal organs

3. Try out my Free Introduction to Breathwork program

4. Reach out with questions and curiosities.

xoxo