I find a lot of solace from the reminder “it gets worse before it gets better.” There is so much wisdom in this phrase. It alludes to a necessary aspect of progress that feels like a crisis. In order to heal - to come back into wholeness and connection, we first have to look at what is causing pain, what has been separated, so that we see ourselves more clearly and come back into a relationship. Our wise adaptive systems are self-organizing and when some part of us is suddenly getting a lot of attention and releases what it no longer needs, space is created, and the rest of the system now has to adapt and re-organize - a metabolically expensive process that can be, at least initially, destabilizing.
Why would I begin this post in this way? As I continue on this journey, I am so grateful for the support. resources and psychoeducation I have access to that calms my internal storm as I forge new neural pathways. I still have work to do and am noticing more than ever some parts of me that have been the “trickiest” for me to access in productive and sustainable ways. But I have so much hope and excitement about this project and am able to persevere because of the internal and external support I am privileged to feel.
With that, I am also excited to get further along in this project. I have spent the last month setting the stage, building the structure needed, highlighting the paths to be explored, and intuitively taking it slow before fully diving in. This week’s post is the last piece of what I have come to call phase One. My project’s title still needs context and definitions so that you, dear reader, have a better grasp of what this container truly is.
An autoethnographic journey of a trauma-informed postcolonial approach to deconstruct the colonial self from the inside out.
I have already explored the concept of the autoethnography (see this post for a refresher), so let’s explore what comes after that.
An autoethnographic journey of a trauma-informed postcolonial approach to deconstruct the colonial self from the inside out.
Journey
In the book Decolonizing Trauma Work (2016), Linklater refers to the work of Couture (2005) who says, “traditional learning modalities eventually bring one to think intuitively, to think with the heart, to think Circles, to understand and utilize dream, metaphor, and symbol” (p. 13). The wisdom of the circle has been arising for me more and more, and the symbol of a snake eating its tail has been a common visual that I see when envisioning, thinking and articulating details about this project. To me it encapsulates the layers, the multidimensional aspects of our shadow self, resonance and frequency acting like a magnet and a mirror, and the potential for confusion. How easy it is to get caught in the protective impulse to point my finger outwards and settle comfortably in victim consciousness. This work is about catching that blame and projection and turning back inwards towards myself to get to know the hurt that is being protected.
When connecting with a friend who is allowing himself to fall into this work and the confusing aspects of learning and traversing a new landscape that is seemingly invisible until it’s not, I said to him that this blog will serve the purpose of adding some training wheels onto the bike being constructed to traverse through this realm that is deconstructing as we ride through it. We are building a bridge as we bike across it, and these training wheels will add some stability (that’s the goal at least).
I invite you to continue on reading with that visual in mind, and to make note of any other visuals, symbols, sensations, metaphors or ideas that appear for you.
An autoethnographic journey of a trauma-informed postcolonial approach to deconstruct the colonial self from the inside out.
Trauma-Informed:
Definitions and context are vital for effective communication that brings us into connection. Our words both carry and create meaning, which are influenced by the visuals and sensations that arise from individual experiences and current understanding. Let’s start with what I am referring to when I speak of trauma. Linklater (2016) makes the important note that “trauma” as a term originates from the Western world, and for many, implies a pathology that the individual is responsible for and does not include “the broader systemic force caused by the state's abuse of power” (p. 22). For Linklater (2016), more accurately and holistically speaking, “trauma refers to a person's reaction or response to an injury” and, expands to include O’Neill’s (2005; p. 75) work who writes “in traumatic situations, all those integrated components of the embodied response - arousal, attention, perception and emotion - tend to persist in an altered and exaggerated state long after the specific danger is over" (p. 22).
Similarly expressed by Dr. Gabor Mate (2022) who says, "Trauma is not the event that happened, it is the impact of that event which is the disconnection from ourselves”. Founder of Somatic Experiencing, Peter Levine (1976), says trauma is an occurrence "when a person encounters a real or perceived threat, and is unable to initiate or complete and discharge the threat arousal sequence in the brain and Autonomic Nervous System". In other words, trauma is, essentially, accumulated stress that does not exit the organism, preventing it from returning to a physiological baseline. This accumulated stress is archived in the body, and remains there as a constant undertone communicating the wounds of “a chronic disruption of connectedness” (Porges, 2021).
What I hear in these wise conceptions of trauma is the notion that what does not get processed, released, and guided back into wholeness and connection, remains as intense balls of energy that are constantly ringing an internal alarm of danger. When I refer to a “trauma-informed” approach I am expressing the need for us to retain a general understanding that we all have experienced various forms of trauma throughout our lives that are stories and unconscious rememberings of danger when in connection, and when these traumas remain unprocessed in our internal systems, they are protected in creative ways. The appearances of aversion, aggression, denial, dissociation or disinterest, are all actions that serve to both protect from a deeper wound, yet also replay the injury of disconnection. This happens to ensure we navigate the world with a lesson learned from the traumatic experience(s) that states "never again!" Our wise body seemingly separates that event in our psyche as if it is a frozen moment in time (i.e. the exile - see this past post on Internal Family Systems for more context) so that it sits just outside of conscious awareness yet it’s traumatic energy and the beliefs it creates about ourselves, others and the world is foundational in every moment. And it remains that way until the support and resources are available to be with it in the way it needed at the time of the original wound so we can release it, update it, and reintegrate.
When an internal unprocessed trauma is touched, we tend to be overwhelmed with big feelings that leave us in a vulnerable state, and in need of loving support and care, potentially the love and support and care that we needed and didn’t receive at the time of the traumatic event(s). When we are unclear on how to offer that support to ourselves, or when we are in the presence of another who is unclear and unequipped to be with these big feelings, we learn to shove these feelings back down and intensify the impulse to protect these feelings from coming up and out again.
So, to be trauma-informed is to not only understand that this is a natural process of protection we all have, it’s also impetus to learn skills of engaging, teaching, and holding space for ourselves and others so that big feelings can be met with love and guided to be processed and released, creating space for more loving presence and coming back into safe connection. This requires that we are mindful of the language we use when engaging in sensitive subjects, as well, develop deep patience and curiosity so that when others’ protective mechanisms are deployed, we can see them for what they are and stay in loving connection as a way to increase safety signals and invite them back into the conversation without adding fuel to their protective fire.
With that said, I come back to one of my foundational tenets in how to operate within this framework, and that is to be Heart-Centered with compassion. Where I find compassion difficult is where I must spend time researching, engaging and unblending so that I can move forward with an expansive compassionate lens. One such place I was finding it difficult to be compassionate was in the realm of white-bodied folks who deny the existence of white privilege, or in the more extreme case, are actively engaging in a white supremacist agenda.
As I sat with this I became curious about how I could approach this with a trauma informed lens. And one direction that arose was to explore what happens when I consider that white-bodied folks were colonized before they began being the colonizers, and have been traumatized and brainwashed to believe that many of the tenets of White Supremacy Culture are their own culture. More on this to come!
Additionally, my experience with nervous system regulation has come in handy as I engage in this project. When we include the conversation and understanding of the window of tolerance, and the importance of recognizing how to decrease danger signals and increase safety signals, we are creating tangible structure and clarity in a realm that can be quite overwhelming otherwise. More on that to come too!
Let’s move on to the next piece of this practicum project's title.
An autoethnographic journey of a trauma-informed postcolonial approach to deconstruct the colonial self from the inside out.
Postcolonial Approach:
The theory and approach of postcolonialism is nuanced and riddled with arguments for and against in regard to its efficacy in dismantling coloniality. For the scope of this project, I will share what stood out to me when learning about this approach and why I have chosen to include it.
Postcolonialism assumes that what was created in colonial times (i.e. art, literature, foundational practices and systems of society, etc.) from the perspective of coloniality is inherently racialized and continues to directly feed into the colonial narrative (James, 2014). As a theoretical procedure, it is employed to “interpret, read and critique the cultural practices of colonialism” and “how the optic of race enables the colonial powers to represent, reflect, refract and make visible native cultures in inferior ways” (James, 2014, p. 1).
When I wield postcolonialism with trauma-informed and deconstruction of the colonial self from the inside out, I am guided in some integral ways.
Postcolonialism is a “politic of transformational resistance to unjust and unequal forms of colonial practices” (James, 2014, p. 1)
Postcolonialism furthers the agenda of anti-colonialism (James, 2014, p. 1)
Postcolonialism perceives through the lens of strategic essentialism, which recognizes anti-essentialism and an anti-hegemonic view of identity (i.e. privileging differences and plurality over sameness), yet invokes essentialism at opportune times to bridge differences and create categories for understanding (James, 2014, p. 6)
Postcolonialism is tasked with pausing to recognize how the “other” or the “native” is represented in inferior ways, and how representation holds power (James, 2014, p. 6)
As an important strategy within the postcolonial approach, re-interpretation and re-appraisal are necessary as we deconstruct what we have taken to be true (James, 2014, p. 6)
When I consider my project, postcolonialism informs me regarding the ways to approach deconstruction.
When the postcolonial lens is directed inwards, I am guided to be intently curious to deconstruct my implicit biases that represent the “other” in inferior ways
As I explore my internal relationality, I am curious to notice power dynamics that include a sense of “power over” as potential parts that have taken on the energy of the colonizer (i.e. perpetrator consciousness)
To shine a compassionate light on how my system took on beliefs that perpetuate colonialism, I must explore the historical context of my ancestry. This includes re-looking and re-thinking about my history with colonization so that I am including the “other” in my understanding of my identity (Bhambra, 2014)
I must continually engage in new dialogues with “others” and ensure I am not perpetuating a Universal or essentialist claim that highlights the voices and perspectives of Eurocentrism or Individualism without inclusion of the “other” (Bhambra, 2014)
An autoethnographic journey of a trauma-informed postcolonial approach to deconstruct the colonial self from the inside out.
It is important to acknowledge that there are conflicting arguments in this field that express criticism towards the ineffective relationship between postcolonialism and deconstruction. Drichel (2013) explores this dynamic and exemplifies that while deconstruction is especially well-suited for understanding and dismantling colonialism, it also has a tendency to trigger fear and reactivity within the postcolonial field. A problem arises when our good intentions are clouded by a reactive internal system, we revert back to habitual ways of doing things, which often includes furthering the colonial agenda. Referring to the work of Micheal Naas, Drichel (2013) denotes that deconstruction is always referring to the self or autos, and as such, he goes on to say,
“deconstruction cannot but rekindle latent memories of a prior traumatized state—a colonial shattering of identity, or a wound inscribed at the heart of an identity no longer coinciding with itself—the recurrence of which is being anxiously defended against…in other words, my suspicion is that what postcolonialism’s conflicted relationship with deconstruction is about, at heart, is its own unresolved trauma and lingering vulnerability: a vulnerability that, rather than being “radically accepted,” is being defended against at all cost.” (p. 49)
Resmaa Menakem explores this theory in depth in his book My Grandmother’s Hands (2021). This was the first book I read that connected internalized trauma with the colonial history of harm we all carry in various ways. Menakem focuses on compassionate education to understand the "virus" of white-body supremacy inflicting us all, the need for change on the inside and outside of dominant power structures, and the importance of communal experiences to release stored trauma and come back into a healthy relationship with each other. Abolishing institutions or systems is not enough, we must abolish racism and trauma in our bodies.
As a white-bodied social worker, I can take the suggestion of Resmaa Menakem (2022) and create space for white-bodied people to come together to build a culture around reckoning with generations of trauma and systemic and internalized racism, as well as building capacity and antifragility around racialized topics of conversation. Using somatics, Menakem educates and guides participants to recognize generations of trauma that resides in black, white and blue (police) bodies, and the necessity to come back home to our bodies so we can stop brutalizing each other and participating in systemic racism (Menakem, 2021).
This offers me two important reminders:
One of the constellations of parts I am curious to get to know inside of me has had an experience of a “colonial shattering of identity or a wound inscribed at the heart of an identity no longer coinciding with itself” (Drichel, 2013) and the reactive defenses that protect it. I am assuming my inner flailer is a part of this constellation.
Second, this also reminds me how easy it is to slip back into old ways of doing things, and even an agenda to deconstruct colonialism from the inside out, if being approached with fear or an activated nervous system that has been triggered into a defensive stance, can be furthering the colonial agenda.
It is vital that we understand these defensive strategies and have principles and guidelines in this work that will support the process of continuing to pause and ensure that our highest self is leading the way. Circling back to the trauma-informed approach within this work, we are reminded of the necessity of recognizing the trauma we call carry, what triggers this trauma, and how to continually increase safety signals and decrease danger signals so that we can stay the course.
Drichel (2013) summarizes and expands on Freud’s analogy of trauma to highlight another aspect of this work, both detailing why it is so difficult as well as the powerful potential that awaits. Freud compared the individual to a healthy cell, both contained as an individual yet also open to interaction, wounding and recovering, or in other words, living. When trauma occurs, the cell reacts initially by creating a stronger or thicker crust around itself as protection. If that protective shell remains, what started as a vital part of recovery begins to make the cell sick. Akin to an autoimmune disease, as the body attacks itself, a recurring over-reaction to a threat, a trauma, that no longer is happening, yet the cell is defending with the belief “never again” and this becomes the cell's demise.
So, what is the antidote?
A trauma-informed postcolonial approach to deconstruct the colonial self from the inside out
It starts here, with me (with yourself).
“...there is no collective liberation without individual liberation. Understanding freedom for oneself makes it possible to understand and engage in liberatory work for the collective” (Owens, 2023, p. 55)
While the work begins on the inside, it is helpful to have a pulse or rhythm from internal to external, and a supportive space with other people who are in this work together. In experiential learning and dialogue we can create change. With the framework and context set into motion, we can approach these inquiries from a place of curiosity, inviting this heart-felt energy to flow into the stagnancy of the “old way”. Ally behavior and action-oriented practices deconstruct the embodied markers of colonialism through self-exploration and compassionate listening, both of which are not possible when the nervous system is activated in defense (Lawrence & Bunche, 1996). When we feel and bare witness to aversion and denial, my hope is that we will slow down, take a patient and smooth breath (Brunette-Debassiage, 2018), and turn towards the part of ourselves or others that is in need of unconditional love and understanding.
Deconstruction requires a collaborative effort, frameworks that add clarity and direction, and more people who are capable of sitting in discomfort. May we remember to recognize the interconnection between intrapersonal and interpersonal, and come to see that how we interact with ourselves and the world around us has the potential to change the entire Universe (Wilson, 2019).
References:
Bhambra, G. K. (2014). Postcolonial and decolonial dialogues. Postcolonial Studies, 17(2), 115–121. https://doi.org/10.1080/13688790.2014.966414
Brunette-Debassige, C. (2018). From subjugation to embodied self-in-relation: An Indigenous pedagogy for decolonization. In Batacharya, S. & Wong, Y-L. R. (Eds.). (2018). Sharing breath: Embodied learning and decolonization (pp. 199-228). essay, AU Press. Retrieved November 18, 2023, from https://ebookcentral-proquest-com.ezproxy.lib.ucalgary.ca/lib/ucalgary-ebooks/reader.action?pq-origsite=primo&ppg=264&docID=5574863.
Couture, J.E. (2005). “Aboriginal healing programs and plans: Cornerstone teachings and concepts.” Unpublished manuscript.
Drichel, S. (2013). Towards a “radical acceptance of vulnerability”: Postcolonialism and deconstruction. SubStance, 42(3), 46–66. https://doi.org/10.1353/sub.2013.0034
James, R. (2014). Postcolonialism: A brief overview. Academia.edu. https://www.academia.edu/2662908/Postcolonialism_A_Brief_Overview
Lawrence, S. M., & Bunche, T. (1996). Feeling and dealing: Teaching white students about racial privilege. Teaching and Teacher Education, 12(5), 531–542. https://doi.org/10.1016/0742-051x(95)00054-n
Levine, P. A. (1976). (dissertation). Accumulated stress, reserve capacity, and disease.
Linklater, R. (2016). Decolonizing trauma work: Indigenous stories and Strategies. Langara College.
Mate, G. (2023). The myth of normal. Random House UK.
Owens, L. R. (2023). The New Saints: From Broken Hearts to Spiritual Warriors. Sounds True.
Porges, S. W. (2021). Polyvagal safety: Attachment, communication, self-regulation. W.W. Norton and Company.
Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal family systems therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
Wilson, S. (2019). Research is ceremony: Indigenous research methods. Langara College.
